Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

YANBU
If my husband's family suddenly stopped talking to me he would definitely demand to know and if they refused to say he'd cut them off and have my back (and vice versa).
If he took the same stance as your partner I'd be extremely suspicious and devastated.

You are going to have to as them, no way could I go about my life and ignore the fact the inlaws had something against me. Could your dp have bad mouthed you to them?

OP something has happened and from the reactions of the other parties involved, it wasn’t you who did something directly.

Think about it, MIL has at least 3 kids so knows how to be a peace maker but instead chooses not to get involved. DP probably knows but is choosing to to get involved.

His siblings still talk to him so it can’t really be something major you have done or they would also play the loyalty card, in reverse.

His mum won’t say as once it’s out it can never be taken back. Think has one of your kids/family members done something they have an major issue with but know you can’t be split?

Has something been said about a member of their family, think racism, sexuality, disability? It’s clearly something they just find completely unacceptable. Given that there’s no discussion nor wish to have one.

I’d go directly to the sister, at this point you have nothing to loose. She either has an issue with you or someone close to you, but this situation cannot continue. It’s better to have it out and have answers than wonder forever.

They all know. You’re the only one who doesn’t

This!

I agree with previous posters, this has got to be down to ‘DP’ - telling that he says it’s ‘nothing you did’.

1. He’s been bad-mouthing you & siblings have believed him
2. He’s done something they know about ie cheating, & they are not happy socialising until it’s sorted
3. He told them you we’re splitting up but then got made redundant so wants to sponge off you & they’re uncomfortable with this

Even if it isn’t his fault, he isn’t your partner because he hasn’t got your back. He’s directly told you that your bullying & unhappiness are ‘none of his business’. I expect if you told him to sort it out or fuck off, he’ll take ‘fuck off’ as the easier option. Good luck, you sound like a nice person who could do a lot better.

This has made me so angry. They're all gaslighting you basically. I couldn't be with a guy who thought so little if me he wouldn't even attempt to find out what the issue is. But I'll bet he knows. He knows what's wrong and despite this making you so sad and it EFFECTING YOUR CHILDREN he still hasn't told you. This is absolutely disgusting. Question what else he won't tell you in the future. I'd be running for the hills

Thanks for all your input, ladies. To answer a few questions, I witnessed some of his ex-wifes awful behaviour so I know there opinion of her is based on fact. However, I do now wonder if their behaviour may have contributed to hers somewhat.
I believe he doesn't know why they aren't speaking to me, I don't think he has ever even mentioned it to them. Which is actually a pretty good indicator of how much, or little, he thinks of me.

My children don't know they were excluded from Christmas gifts as partners mother bought them gifts and his children were given their gifts from the other family members when they went to visit.

I'm not desperate to stay in the relationship (although I can see why it may seem that way) and really don't understand why I have allowed myself to be treated like this, apart from the fact that I love him.
I'm far from perfect and it is possible I may have unknowingly done something to upset the family members but to simply cut me out without a word is childish at best, spiteful at worst. For him to not even bother to ask why shows a lack of concern for me and disloyalty which I don't deserve.

I am tempted to ask his family for an explanation but as they have ignored previous messages (wishing happy birthday/merry Christmas etc.) I think they would probably just ignore me again and I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeming like I am chasing them. I know that may seem silly but it feels like I would be giving them more importance than they deserve and even if they did reply, no answer they now give will make a difference to the outcome.
I told him last night that our relationship is over and have given him until Friday to arrange somewhere else to live. He told me the usual "I'm sorry, I'll have your back in the future" but I'm finally accepting that his words don't match his actions and I have a right to expect the same loyalty from him as I give. I know I didn't have to give him 5 days grace to find somewhere else but I would feel unkind to ask him to leave straight away. I am prepared for him to now begin a charm offensive to get me to change my mind but it won't make any difference, my mind is now made up. I bet he STILL won't ask them what the problem is though!

@wheresthewine36 stay strong. No one needs this aggravation, you are better off out of it.

If you are at the point of ending the relationship anyway I would at least ask them outright?

Completely excluding you and your kids is out of order and there must be something serious at the root of it.

OP before you end it I don’t understand why you don’t ask his family what the issue is. Or even after you end it. If it were me I’d need to know

You have been together a year and for 6 months of that they were ostracising you.

I would def walk away - who wants this bullying shit. He has no control over it and isn't taking your side so he will just have to be upset when you walk. Boohoo.

This. Sorry you have such shits to put up with x

Glad you have done this… if it was me and he started a charm offensive with me I would say you need to find out why they have been ignoring me…. But then once I had the answer I would still make him leave. That way you know but also are rid of the whole awful lot of them!

Well done for kicking him to the kerb, I can only think of two reasons for his families behaviour, he's either said something to cause the rift and doesn't want you to find out, or his family are vile and he's no backbone. Either way you've down the right thing.

First of all the silent treatment is pathetic.

People who do this are manipulative and immature and don't have the guts to tell you to your face what the issue is. So I would say it is no loss that you don't have to interact with them anymore.

Your partner is also spineless and failing to stand up for you.

I would say that this has giving you a chance to see what this family is really like and to find out that when things get tough your partner cannot be relied upon.

I would walk away. You don't need this constant childish mind games in your life.

Well done ending the relationship. If he turns on the charm offensive now you'll know uts because he just doesn't want the hassle of finding somewhere else to live.

Also if he suddenly comes up with a reason for their behaviour, be wary. either he knew all along, only asked them because he doesn't want the hassle of moving out, or never asked them at all and fed you some bullshit to shut you up. There's literally no scenario where I could trust what he was telling me now.

Well done for having the balls to finish it. Serves the gutless wonderful right

I agree with this

You are assuming that because you all go back a long way they have your back and in fact it’s clear that’s not true.

It may be that they feel it’s all moved forward too fast and I have to say I think the rush to blend the families is quite unwise and they may be worried about the impact on the children. That would be my assumption.

Or it may be something else. But PPs are right that your OH knows and is deliberately keeping you in the dark. You need to say that the relationship is over unless he levels with you.

Sorry hadn’t seen your update. Well done.

Now is the time to ask his siblings what their problem was with you,you have been treated dreadfully and if it was me, I would want to know what (if anything) I had done to break a friendship of 30 years with the whole family. I hope you find some answers.

I think his mum has said something to them about you, and caused bad feeling especially the way she said not to ask them.

Ask them.

You didn’t cheat on someone else to start this relationship? That’s the only reason I can think of that anyone would behave like this. Something financial?

If you were friends with the sister beforehand I would message her and call this out and ask her directly. Sounds like you’ve got nothing to lose at this point.

He's a Dodgy guy who's been bad mouthing you I suspect. His family ought to know better though

Huge well done to you OP, hats off to your determination and self respect!
Even with awful behavior like that, many women would prolong the agony of keeping the relationship. But you've seen things clearly and made your firm decision.
Don't buy into anything he does now - he had 6 bloody months to make the VERY BASIC gesture of asking them about the issue and sticking up for you. I actually can't believe it never occurred to him to do so, especially knowing full well how it's made you feel. Who allows their supposedly beloved partner and partner's children to be treated this way?
If my family did this to my DP, I'd be immediately questioning and also making clear that I won't be seeing them again of they continue.
Sorry that you'd had to waste your love and time on this selfish, insensitive and uncaring man.
As to his family, I don't get PPs advice to start asking them now. Why would you want to do that. They will most likely ignore you and you'd feel even worse. Or they'll say something insulting and again, you'd be feeling worse. Exactly what you said, don't give them satisfaction of thinking they are so important and you're still affected by them and still trying to work things out. Whatever their reasons, they are not your friends, have treated you badly so just walk away. You don't need any of them in your life really.