Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

Yes, we'll done op. The family thing is awful and horrible but the real issue is that he's been quite happy to let you be treated this way etc. I also find it interesting that he is living with you. When did that happen? After just a year with children involved rhat seems ridiculously quick and leads me to believe he was just looking g for somewhere to stay.

As for the ex, she may well be vile. But having watched someone I love behave in ways that are pretty bad but as a result of years of emotional abuse and control.... I can see how a woman's actions, while.not acceptable, might be more complex than what is immediately visible.

Good for you OP! What a strange situation. He must be at the bottom of all this, how can he not be? If this doesn't prompt him to find out what their problem is then I would assume he already knows. Surely he would rather speak to them about it than lose you?

You moved him into your home with your kids very quickly if you were only dating a year? Then taking up the grunt work by buying his family presents. What is likely to have happened is he has been bad mouthing you to his family hence the change- him saying nothing is because he has caused the shift. He must have quickly live bombed you and skipped into your family home. Send him off to his family before friday. There is no reason for him to stay any longer he has family close by

This.

Could the issue be with your kids rather than you? Could they not like their behaviour or whatever else? He definitely know the issue, certainly suspect if it wasn't told to him, otherwise, how did the discussion went that he would visit on his own from then on.

They don't want to tell you because they know it would upset you. Ultimately, not telling you has had the sane outcome.

Of course he knows. He's a liar.

I honestly don't understand why posters are trying to suggest reasons the family have taken against OP. That suuggests it's her fault and if she can just "fix it" everything will be fine. That's total bollocks. This man has been living (probably rent free as he lost his job) with her and her children while happily excluding her from the vast bulk of his life. Frankly, I'm surprised the mum is even talking to you because if she wasn't, I'd assume he's told his family that you aren't together and is lying about being a cocklodger in your house.

Well done on kicking him out. Prepare for the begging and the pleading and declarations of undying love.

Don't fall for it. Or, if you do, still kick him out and he can get you back from a distance.

Once again the first post has got it about right.

I had to double check that you had been together a year because that is very early in the relationship and I'm very surprised about how involved you are with his family. The present buying sounds like something you would do in a long term committed relationship.

He is showing that after such a relatively short relationship his priorities are with his family. Only you know if you can deal with that or if it will change over time.

Obviously there's a lot more going on. Out of interest, how did you meet this family?

hav you RTFT ? She’s known his family and been friends with them since childhood. She was ‘enmeshed’ well before she started seeing him romantically.

Actually, the more I think about this, the more I think that this man is a huge problem. You didn't even mention in your OP that you lived together or that he'd lost his job so money was tight. I suspect that's because you didn't even think it was relevant. But it is HUGELY relevant.

You've been dating this man for a YEAR. In that time, he's moved into your home (with your kids). I bet he's been living with you rent and/or expenses free, particularly as he lost his job? He also has children and I'm going out on a limb here... but do you take on quite a lot of their care when they are with him? Cooking/cleaning/washing etc? I bet you do. Probably at least partly because you feel sorry for them because of their (supposedly) horrible, abusive mother?

At best, his family are mortified and can't look you in the eye. At worst, they are colluding with him on this.

Run as far and fast as you can. But I suspect he's going to pull out all the stops from declarations of love to offers to cut off his family to emotional cries for help and lots of hair tearing, "Oh, I know, I'm so terrible but I can't help it and I NEED you to help me," possibly even up subtle suggestions of suicide. Don't fall for any of it.

This is very bizarre and understandably feels very unsettling and upsetting. You're doing the right thing OP in ending this relationship: you haven't been supported or respected at all.

I would consider messaging the family members who are doing the ignoring and plainly asking why they have cut you off. They may not respond, and I wouldn't chase them up further, but this has ended your relationship (because of your partners actions), and I would want an explanation.

But WELL DONE in maintaining your boundaries, looking out for yourself and ending this. You are doing the right thing, do not allow yourself to be made to doubt it. With or without answers, you will reach closure and peace after this is over.

@vivainsomnia I'm certain it isn't to do with my children, they're good kids and have never done anything that would warrant this.
Although neither have I, as far as I am aware.
I don't think there has been a discussion about him visiting alone, I told him when it became obvious they weren't speaking to me and since then, he has just never asked me to go with him when he's visited them (he doesn't visit very often).

@rogueone In hindsight, yes, it was too quick.
My children have never met anyone else I've dated but as they knew my partner I didn't feel I was moving him in before they knew him well.
Circumstances were such that if he hadn't moved in with me, he would have had to move some distance away which would have made it difficult for him to see his children, us to see each other and him to keep his job.
I now wish I had not seen these difficulties as mine to solve but at the time, I trusted that we were a partnership and my support would be reciprocated if the roles were reversed.

@Justalittlebitduckling No cheating, we were both single for over 2 years before we got together. Nothing financial that I can think of either.

@knittingaddict I went to primary school with partner and his older brother. I met his mum at University when I was in my early 20's (she is 20 years older than me but we became close friends). Met his sister and younger brother through his mum and developed friendships with them too as they are around my age.

@MsMarchAll that is scarily accurate 😬The "I need you/I can change/You're everything to me" has been going on a while now. He has ADHD, I have made allowances due to this and have in effect made a rod for my own back which I can now see and feel very stupid for.

How hurtful and callous. Cutting you out and excluding you from everything……..

You deserve so much better

I cannot believe he would stand by and allow you to be treat so badly

This type of treatment is meant for murderers, rapists and worse

Perhaps you tried too hard with them which made them want to back off altogether.

I don't think there has been a discussion about him visiting alone, I told him when it became obvious they weren't speaking to me and since then, he has just never asked me to go with him when he's visited them (he doesn't visit very often).

That's (a little bit) different then. They haven't stopped you from visiting them. Were you never tempted to just go with him and see what happened?

Another day on MN, another cock-lodging man child, with no sense of any loyalty to, consideration of, or obligation towards the woman bending over backwards to make his life better. Dump him like toxic waste, and don't be blackmailed by appeals to "be kind". Forget them all. If the individual friendships you have formed with his family members aren't enough for them to at least give you the courtesy of an explanation, then none of them are worth it either.

@saraclara I place the blame for that squarely on him. If I was in his position, I would have said "DP and I were thinking of popping over today" so they would then have to verbalise if they didn't want me to visit and hopefully explain why. He didn't and has simply allowed me to be sidelined. Equally, if there wasn't an issue, they would uave verbally imvited myself and my children. I wouldn't invite myself along, just not in my nature, especially after all attempts to communicate have been ignored.

Another day on MN, another cock-lodging man child, with no sense of any loyalty to, consideration of, or obligation towards the woman bending over backwards to make his life better

And another woman moving some bloke into her children's home after a few months. Let's not pretend we have no agency here.

OP Just read the whole thread now and for what it is worth I think every minute you have spent worrying about these people is a minute taken away from your children.
You do not need this kind of headache in your life. You have tried to get to the bottom of it and can't. People know what is wrong and will not say so you have no option really but to end this relationship and move on to a happier life.
He sounds like a wet blanket anyway

It's such strange behaviour op and hurtful
Ghosting like that is just cruel

I wonder if he will now fight your corner though will likely reinforce to these crap people whatever narrative they've developed around you as a person

Circumstances were such that if he hadn't moved in with me, he would have had to move some distance away which would have made it difficult for him to see his children, us to see each other and him to keep his job.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry to have been "scarily accurate" but it's easy because I've seen it all before on here and in RL. And the above paragraph, had you posted this at the time of him moving in, would have had me and a million other MN posters telling you that it's a huge red flag.

Men like this are very very very good at making the woman feel it is her problem to solve. Usually by providing a home, food, childcare as well as sex on tap and no requirement to give the same back, usually due to the man's mental health or other challenges.

He knows but won't tell you, for whatever reason.

As your relationship is now over, you can ask the SIL or BIL with no qualms about 'causing trouble'. I'd be on the phone now.

Of course he knows op, and if you’ve only been together a year and this happened last July then it was only 6 months into the relationship? The mother has given a hint, she’s told you it’s going to cause trouble if you ask.

it could be he’s bad mouthing you in some way about your treatment of him, or he is seeing someone else and they don’t want involved.

either way he knows.

This.

I'd withdraw from the relationship. You don't need a bunch of weirdos in your life, including him.