Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

Ask him to move out. You're only a year into this relationship and he's got his feet under the table whilst his family treat you like shit.

Find someone else. Or be alone. Either would be better than putting up with this.

This is horrible for you OP.
He knows, whatever he says and so does MIL. He caused it and that's why he doesn't want to admit.

He's hoping to get away with you and his siblings not meeting up and talking or he would have asked. You not visiting his brother's with him (completely understandable) played into his hands. Is this the brother you used to provide free accommodation for in the past when asked?

How long would anyone of any intelligence think they could keep this up? - them refusing to speak to you... and him saying "I don't know why. I don't like to ask" and MIL saying "don't cause trouble". There already is trouble and you are paying the price.

You've supported him through job loss, even buying Xmas presents for his siblings children to save his face, which was shunned. You've been nothing but generous and supportive from the sounds of it. There is a backstory here which no one will tell you.

Is he in debt? Has he borrowed money from them, and then suddenly they get presents and he's said Oh its OP's fault, she's charging me over the odds to live there or some such rubbish? Has he alleged that you prioritise your own children?
The problem is there are endless suggestions of why they are doing it and that could drive you mad, but it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all.
Having suffered for six months over this I think you have the right to know and I'd go to the horse's mouth. Ask the siblings outright. Let the MIL know exactly what you've done for him and exactly why you kicked him out. Rip the plaster off their secrecy and tell them in a calm, factual and unemotive way what you think of their hurtful behaviour and then enjoy your freedom from these unkind people.

I’m so sorry. He sounds like an absolute rogue.

You need to chill and ignore the whole lot. That partner of yours needs a spine.
Either he finds out and tells you what the fcuking issue is

OR

he holds your hand and ignore them all.

He cannot just sit on the wall and act like they are doing nothing wrong. They are massively disrespectful to you and he is approving their behaviour by not showing them any consequences.

Dont take his mums shitty advice "dont ask it will cause trouble" so its defo something, and you need to get to the bottom of it as it may be something they think you have done or said which is not true.
You cannot be treated like this and your parner is out of order to let them sideline you like this.This means he doesnt care about your feelings and he need to waved good riddance.
Hope you get to the bottom of this behaviour
from the weirdo family.

It’s all the more bizarre given how long you’ve all known them and were friends with his mum. It feels all the more personal.

It’s a shame he’s so spineless.

For goodness sake work on finding some self respect and get that utter waster out of your childrens lives.

You seemed already invested in his family before you even went out with him.
Maybe a part of you got together with him because you knew his family and wanted to be part of that package that he provided.

Now that his family aren't speaking to you, you can see his true self.
That is, when it's just him minus his family, perhaps you aren't as attached or attracted to him as you thought you were.

It also looks like he used his ex-wife's issues to get sympathy from you.
The 'poor me, life wot's done me wrong, people need to feel sorry for me, I have it worse than most, she's being really mean to me'.

So he needs a perpetrator in his life to make himself out to be a victim so he can be rescued.

I'd suspect at some point in the same way, he is painting his relationship with you in a certain way to get sympathy from his family and keep himself a victim.

He's the whiny little boy of the family and they all tiptoe around him, because if they say anything he starts kicking off and telling his Mum that people are being mean to him.

@MsMarch

You've been dating this man for a YEAR. In that time, he's moved into your home (with your kids). I bet he's been living with you rent and/or expenses free, particularly as he lost his job? He also has children and I'm going out on a limb here... but do you take on quite a lot of their care when they are with him?Cooking/cleaning/washing etc? I bet you do. Probably at least partly because you feel sorry for them because of their (supposedly) horrible, abusive mother?*

All that is scarily accurate 😬The "I need you/I can change/You're everything to me" has been going on a while now. He has ADHD, I have made allowances due to this and have in effect made a rod for my own back which I can now see and feel very stupid for.

So glad he is leaving on Friday, it sounds like he is a cocklodger as well.

Well it seems you managed to sort out a tricky situation for him. If he hadn't been dating you and moved in he would have to live further away from his kids.

I wonder what his family will say now that your ending it.....

Sound like a bunch of wankers, OP. Causing you unnecessary anxiety. It’s like being at school. The mums just as bad. Get out. They’re weird.

I find it interesting they also didn’t like his ex and say she was unpleasant and violent to him. I wonder how much of that is true or how much is his narrative. It’s the fact he said “not my business “ which tells me he knows and he does not want to tell you.

if this is he’s been saying rhe same kind of bad things about you as he did his ex, he will ask them not to tell you. It could be he goes and sees them and complains about you. His mother will have discussed it with them too.

So I don’t think you will find out. However I’d give it a crack and ask, just say you feel a little excluded and feel family relationships are important and wonder if there is anything you’re unaware of. Don’t tell him you’re doing it. Do it one to one with them all. If he is the issue he will stop them responding. So don’t tell him.

I wouldn’t waste time trying to find out. I get right now it’s eating away. But give it time and distance from this man and you will worry about it a lot less. You should be incensed his family are treating you poorly at all rather than care what is rattling around in their heads.

I note you said he would now be putting on a charm offensive. Is there any chance you’re the victim of a narcissist / fantasist? Having ADHD doesn’t preclude narcissism. I’m just thinking if he’s telling them you’re doing whatever his ex did and they didn’t distance themselves from her, perhaps they’ve decided to do so now you’re acting the same way. Once bitten twice why.

I also agree with the post above about people, who are abused acting out of character. Obviously we can’t say if this is the case with his ex. But I would be wondering, especially as he’s manipulated you into being his new mummy.

• twice shy

I would try to find out, simply as there is significant reputational impacts and they all live close by. She has kids. If he’s been saying bad stuff or they think something bad, I’d want to put that right.

Bet his mum is the shit stirring one. I know a family like this (so accurate it could actually be them). They cut people off suddenly and silently and ostracise people. I'm on the periphery but in a position where I can watch and hear a lot of what goes on and it's the mother.

She acts like their best mate, is glam and gorgeous and takes people under her wing, telling them they're all family very quickly. Then she drops dangerous little lies in here and there. It's a situation made up of secrets and blood ties and mind games.

If the brothers names begin with M and A fucking run OP. Yes his ex wife was also a bit mental and I saw her punch him once in a pub but she was being gaslighted and bullied by them all. They pretended to be frightened of her.

I'm so sorry, OP. All I wanted to say is that good friends would challenge you on what you've done wrong in their eyes and give you a change to defend yourself.

Just clutching at straws here but is it possible the older brother who stayed with you either had feelings for you or told them (the mother and sister) you had feeling for him/slept with him all whilst you were letting him stay, and they now feel you have moved onto the other brother so have closed ranks on you.

WHY WHY WHY does it matter? His family have treated her badly. And instead of him stepping up and saying, "hang on, this isn't okay" he's been passive and happy to let it carry on. While living rent free in her house.

ARGH.

Not quite the same but my DH (boyfriend at the time) had a flatmate he was pretty close to. When we got together, we'd often go double dating with flatmate and his girlfriend.

Until I found out that the flatmate was an absolute shagger behind his girlfriend's back and I put an end to the double dates, I genuinely could not look at her and NOT want to warn her. Anyway, DH began to feel likewise not long after and the friendship drifted.

Could it be something like that, not necessarily cheating but something that they are pissed off at him for keeping from you and won't be party to him lying to you or covering for him?

That's (a little bit) different then. They haven't stopped you from visiting them
I agree. Maybe it's him who prefer to go on his own fir various reasons so as suggested, he's making it up that 6ou gave better things to do but to visit and they are as offended as you are now.

OP HAS DUMPED THIS MAN AND IS MOVING OUT ON FRIDAY.

THE TURGID FANTASIES PEOPLE ARE COOKING UP BELONG IN A JOAN COLLINS BOOK NOT REAL LIFE.

What the fucks "turgid" and why are you shouting?

They all know why you are being ostracised and your DP does too. I would put money on him having been a catalyst for it. How dare they all make you feel so anxious and guilt ridden when you have done nothing wrong. Especially when you're housing their bloody family member and subsidising him. He's had it all hasn't he? A roof over his head, meals, bills paid, you running round doing his life admin, and he even had you squirming and soul searching about why you're not good enough for a reply from his sister. Do not let him draw you back in to this horrible relationship and horrible dynamic. They'll make you into a shell of yourself. And if they suddenly come up with some reason why you mortally offended them to such an extent that they cannot even bring themselves to breathe your air, just know that they are gas lighting you. What offence could you possibly have committed without knowing that was so outrageously awful that you can't even remember it? What about all of their offences racking up towards you?

@vivainsomnia That wouldn't explain why they all stopped talking to me/responding to my messages. We communicated independently of him so if they wanted me there, they would invite me directly. Although I do think it probably suits him quite well not to have us in contact with each other as he can now say whatever he likes without the worry of getting found out in any lies.

@Moanycowbag It's the younger brother who stayed with me in the past. There was never anything sexual on my part but he did remark when I started dating my partner "how come I never got a chance?" I laughed it off at the time but wonder now if there was something behind it.

@Coyoacan This is how I feel. If I did something to upset or anger them, the mature way to deal with that would be to tell me so I could either apologise or explain my reasoning. The fact that they've chosen to behave like this instead has made me realise I don't want them in my life. Finding out what caused the issue won't actually make any practical difference now because even if it turns out to be something I was at fault for, the way they and he have dealt with it has effectively ended our relationships. Annoyingly, I would still like to know but I'm just going to have to make my peace with never knowing.

@itsnote There are definite similarities but no, initials don't match.

@Mummyoflittledragon He definitely has some narcissistic traits (unbelievably selfish at times and never takes responsibility for his own actions) but not a full blown narcissist.