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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

276 replies

herapotomus · 29/01/2023 14:32

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 29/01/2023 14:35

I think she is still a young dc, and needs help finding things to entertain her. If I need a break from my dc I invite a friend over. Does she do anything like gaming with friends online?

I'd be asking your ex which contact day he is swapping for.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 29/01/2023 14:37

What do you say when she says you’re grumpy? I wouldn’t let my 9 year old say that to me. She can go to her room surely. She’s picking up on you not wanting her there. Explain to her that it’s important adults have time to themselves.

I think you and your ex need to establish that if plans change he tells you in advance and not in front of your child, that wasn’t fair of him.

Original poster
herapotomus · 29/01/2023 14:39

Howeverdoyouneedme · 29/01/2023 14:37

What do you say when she says you’re grumpy? I wouldn’t let my 9 year old say that to me. She can go to her room surely. She’s picking up on you not wanting her there. Explain to her that it’s important adults have time to themselves.

I think you and your ex need to establish that if plans change he tells you in advance and not in front of your child, that wasn’t fair of him.

I said yeah I am a bit grumpy as I really just want a relaxing day and it's not very relaxing when you're jumping about demanding attention.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 29/01/2023 14:39

Don't feel guilty. Unlike the previous poster I think at 9 she can find things to do to amuse herself quietly and doesn't need constant input from another person.

If she is rude to the point she is telling you tk go upstairs then she needs some form of minor punishment to realise this is not an acceptable way to respond to you which it isn't!

Iloveacurry · 29/01/2023 14:39

Ask your ex to have her one day next weekend to make up it up to you and her!

Stressfordays · 29/01/2023 14:40

Throw an ipad and snacks at her and go for a long bath. Everytime she starts pestering for attention, give her a list of chores to get on with, she'll soon learn to find her own entertainment!

Toloveandtowork · 29/01/2023 14:42

I sympathise. A tyrant! My son is like that age 11. He's being assessed for ADHD.

I'm often at my wit's end as he won't leave me alone when I repeatedly ask. He shouts and screams too. Absolute torture.
I'm getting help next week to deal with him.
Nobody should have to put up with this behaviour in their own home. Someone baiting you. It feels so highly abusive.

YearOfTheLepus · 29/01/2023 14:47

You are a person, not an entertainment servant, and your daughter needs to learn that.

Your ex needs to deal with childcare issues on his own time, not use you as convenient backup without prior arrangement.

It's time to put in firmer boundaries, op. Invest in yourself with this, because nobody else will. You teach your child to respect you, and therefore she will learn to do the same with her own life as she grows up. This is nothing to feel guilty about!

Dillydollydingdong · 29/01/2023 14:51

Hasn't she got any friends that she can play with?
My ds has 2 ADHD children. The dd6 can play with the 2 little girls next door and the boy gets on his Switch and links up with his mates.

Original poster
herapotomus · 29/01/2023 14:54

Dillydollydingdong · 29/01/2023 14:51

Hasn't she got any friends that she can play with?
My ds has 2 ADHD children. The dd6 can play with the 2 little girls next door and the boy gets on his Switch and links up with his mates.

Yea a few friends on the street but we're all out today

OP posts:
Nuisanc · 29/01/2023 14:55

She sounds like a standard 9 year old child to me

OptimisticSix · 29/01/2023 15:00

I agree with a pp about a list of chores, and about the bath too. We had four young children at home and it would get a lot so when I needed peace and quiet I would go in the bath, or to my room and tell them the first one through the door was clearly looking for a job to do and I had a whole list. Took a little while to start working but eventually they learned when I needed a rest unless they wanted to work, to give me a rest!

Spiderplantation · 29/01/2023 15:02

My son, same age, is the same.
Nothing wrong with him, in fact, he's unusually well-behaved, considerate, quiet...but he wants a lot of one-to-one connection, unless he has a screen in front of him.

I'd imagine your daughter keeps looking at you because she senses you don't want her company. Any attention is attention and the more she feels not wanted the more she'll crave it. It's a no-win vicious circle and without other adults or playdates around it's very difficult.

I'd definitely ask your ex not to spring it on you in front of her like that again. Perhaps try to do so more politely than I could manage!

Explain to your daughter that you're exhausted from work and get stressed if you don't recharge, so you can play with her tomorrow if you've had enough rest?

Biscuitandacuppa · 29/01/2023 15:11

Does she like doing any crafts? I’m a single mum to an 11 year old dd and a lone parent. I often find that arts and crafts will keep her busy and quiet for hours!

You aren’t a shit mum, it’s incredibly difficult when it’s just the two of you in a house. As my dd has gotten older she needs her space too, and often goes upstairs to jump about like a mini elephant!

forgotmyusername1 · 29/01/2023 15:11

My 6 year old hates the sound of silence and constantly wants to show me stuff

Could you say to her 'I will give you my undivided attention for the next 30 mins but then I need a little bit of quiet time so would like you to find something quiet to entertain yourself with like Reading or watching a film'

RedHelenB · 29/01/2023 15:15

Nuisanc · 29/01/2023 14:55

She sounds like a standard 9 year old child to me

This. Put your foot down, you're the adult.

Justanotherdaytoday · 29/01/2023 15:18

Iloveacurry · 29/01/2023 14:39

Ask your ex to have her one day next weekend to make up it up to you and her!

THIS! He can do next Sunday and you get your chill day then! I have a nine year old and her dad has her nigh on the same, plus one overnight, every fortnight. Either that or keep it for a time in the future when you really need to get something done and say 'oh I have this booked next Sunday, remember when...'. I have two older children who are with me full time so don't get much of a break either but they do keep themselves occupied because of their ages.

MargaretThursday · 29/01/2023 15:20

I need my time to myself too. There's nothing wrong with that!

Would she react well to you putting a screen in her room, getting popcorn (or similar) and letting her have a film afternoon to herself? Then go out for dinner, even if it's jus McDs.

Yes, it's not the same as having the house to yourself, but it gives you a break.

StalkedByASpider · 29/01/2023 15:22

I sympathise but I do think you're being a bit unreasonable too. She's an only child, stuck in the house, and she is looking for company. When children sense that they're unwanted, they tend to try even harder for your attention which is obviously counterproductive.

It sounds as if you need clearer boundaries and structure. No matter how knackered you are, you can't expect to chill for hours while your child entertains themselves for the full day.

I'm guessing your DD doesn't have online friends she can play with on a Switch or similar? My DS plays Animal Crossing and Minecraft online - we don't have Fortnite or anything like that, but they're pretty harmless games that have a big community online. Would something like that help for the future?

The other thing I'd suggest is clear boundaries for your DD. So, either give her a job to do upstairs or give her an activity and say "I'm going to sit here quietly for 30 minutes - come back and tell me when you're finished. I want to look at it when it's all done."

Tasks with a clear, defined "finish" are better than something that's open-ended like "draw me a picture" or "clean up your room".

Also, if you ask her to stop doing something, I'd suggest something else in its place. "Please stop rollerskating in the house, it's noisy and giving me a headache. You can either roller-skate in the garden or sit and do this jigsaw."

I have two SEN DC, one of whom has high needs. Both diagnosed as autistic, plus a handful of other diagnoses. I work F/T (self-employed) and due to lack of special school places, I now home educate them both too. DS is an early bird - he talked at me for five hours straight this morning. I swear he didn't even fucking pause for breath. It started before I'd even opened my hours as he climbed onto my bed. DD will be the same until about 3-4am (she has ADHD plus autism and other conditions). The interim period I've got them both going on at me. And somewhere in among all of that I have to work too.

So I genuinely and truly do sympathise. But it's not fair to be grumpy and expect DD to leave you alone without putting in a bit of legwork to structure the day. Some DC can play on their own without any help, others find it more difficult - your DD sounds like the latter category and she doesn't have a sibling to help entertain her.

My DS isn't very good at working out what to do. DD is a bit better but any time DS isn't around she leaps at the opportunity to have me to herself. Being organised, and having tasks, activities and chores that they can do - especially anything that makes them feel grown-up - is the key to getting some time for you. My DD likes to sort out stuff so if I give her my fabric stash to organise or a cupboard to tidy, she bloody loves it.

Stillcountingbeans · 29/01/2023 15:24

What consequences does she get when she is rude to you?

When she gets in front of the TV, how sharp and angry is your tone of voice? You need to be very, very firm, and mean it. You need to get the message across to her that she is misbehaving and a consequence will soon follow if she doesn't pack it in.
When she says 'look at me do this', just say 'you have shown be before, I am relaxing now so please go and play upstairs / in the other room'.
When sending her away, remind her what activity you have planned for after lunch/later/after tea, so that she knows when she will get your undivided attention.

Noname99 · 29/01/2023 15:24

Plan out her day for her. She’s too young to do this herself so sit down with her and plan the day. Plan ‘quiet’ time and time with mum and block it for her so she can see when she gets mum time, when it’s both of you but a ‘quiet activity’ eg watch a film together and when it’s mum time but directed by her (gymnastics etc). You also need to get her out of the house and do something active - park, swim etc

Sapphire387 · 29/01/2023 15:25

Oh, I hear you. My stepdaughter can be like this. She's almost 9. For a few years, it was just her and her dad after her mum died. I think the one parent/one child thing does leave children more prone to this behaviour (not criticising anyone, and not saying it is inevitable).

Now she lives with us, including my DS and DD, she gets included in the expectation for them to be able to amuse themselves. She's learning.

Your daughter also needs to learn this. It's not ok to be constantly intrusive and expect your parent to entertain you and cater to your every whim. There's a difference between spending quality time together and them expecting 24/7 focus. Don't feel bad. Being able to occupy yourself is a life skill that she needs to develop.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 29/01/2023 15:25

go and watch your tv upstairs

I'd send her up the fucking stairs for that! Cheeky little madam. I'm sorry but she should be able to find something to entertain herself at 9 years old

Noname99 · 29/01/2023 15:27

I forgot the most important bit of the plan which is time to play on her own!! Suggest some things she can do. Plan the day with timings and the stick to it. If she doesn’t follow the plan, bedtime moves 5 mins earlier

PurelyOrnamental · 29/01/2023 15:27

Next time your ex asks what your plans are for the weekend you are obviously going to be very busy on both days! Never let him get one over on you like that again.
With regards to your daughter, she's not a baby and can understand that you need some time to yourself.
Even if I wasn't 'grumpy' I wouldn't be tolerating a 9 year old leaping around in front of the TV for attention, she's not a toddler!