AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

She wants some attention. Why are you watching tv rather than engaging with her?

Hope you’re ignoring the trolls and negative comments! No one knows your full circumstances, only you. And you’re still a person with your own health and well-being to protect, not simply a Mum.

Well said!

It doesn’t sound like your a shit mum but it does make me feel a bit sad for your DC. Did I read it right that she cycled home on her own at 8.30am? If so I would guess that had something to do with trying to crave attention/push boundaries - feeling unwanted by both her parents. I do also have a dislike for this whole “my child free time” attitude on MN. You made the choice to have a child, it’s a full time commitment. How do you think single Mums with zero contact from Dads cope? Or family’s where Dads work crazy hours to provide and Mum doesn’t get her every other weekend ‘off’. It’s not a very nice attitude to hear so I can only imagine how the child must feel when they pick up on it.

Please set boundaries and stick to them no matter what or you will have hell to pay when she's a teen. She absolutely CANNOT speak to you with disrespect or tell you what to do. "I am not one of your schoolyard chums, I. Am. Your. Mum. And you will not speak to me that way. Go to your room and shut the door."

Also, no, you are not a bad mum.
See if the two of you can find some things that she can do on her own. A dance class or art or gymnastics or Sports? Something to run out her energy and change her focus. Get her on a routine. School. Snack. Sport/hobby, tea when you hear all about each other's days, bath, bed at the same time every day so you can build in an hour of alone time. I have a nephew like this. He never stops talking. Never. He is constantly in your face making noise, singing, talking, asking questions, look at me, guess what happened at school, watch this, etc. He's exhausting. His physician says it's anxiety driven, so routines that promote consistency help.

It’s pretty normal. In a couple of years time you won’t see her for dust she’ll be doing her own thing in her room and you’ll probably feel a bit lonely! All you can do is try to bargain with her or watch a film or something quiet.

I’m like you OP, I like downtime and with 3 DCs it’s hard to get any. I tend to concentrate a couple of hours on them first thing e.g crafts, games, park etc. then tell them all it’s time to chill. They can go on iPad, plays games on switch etc for a bit while I sit down with a cuppa or do some ironing etc. Also sometimes I suggest watching a movie together and let them choose.

Been there done that. I think sometimes it's because they are an only child. But, at 9, tell her your going for a bath or watching a programme and unless it's an emergency to go busy herself.

I also think, for what it's worth... be pleased she is well and with you. Some parents don't have that option for various reasons.

At 9 here emotions are changing and she has a foot in childhood and another in teenage ish areas.

Her behaviour does sound very hyper so maybe a chat with the GP?

Maybe try explaining to her what your expectations are Inwill say to my son right Mum needs some Mum time, off ya do not disturb me unless it is broken or bleeding, in this time he is also allowed to go and whatever he wants (within reason) then we meet up half an hour later and do something together. I will say I have a serious debilitating mental health disorder so time to centre myself has been something that we have always done

Heaven forbid a mother should watch TV. I like to spent every waking minute gazing into my children's eyes lest they feel abandoned by me not paying them attention every second of the day.

YOU arent a shit mum us mums need me time every week or else we burn out youre not being grumpy. But she needs to be able to entertain herself or find her boring stuff to do and keep doing it. Nip that attitude in the bud dont let her talk to you like that or else thier will be consequences my grandaughers are 8 and 5 and perectly capable of entertaining themselves. My daughter wont take no shit of them

I find kids are a bit like dogs. Take them for a long walk/trip to the park, fresh air, burn off some energy then stick a movie on and they are relaxed and quiet. I sympathise though I have one like this and I’m also an introvert so it’s very draining. When I need some time and I’m going a bit crazy I go for a bath and lock the bathroom door!

😀I am amazed by the posters saying oh she needs attention and is insecure etc etc. I think she needs a few boundaries in how to treat others including her mother and her expectations of never being anything other than the centre of the universe. OP, I think you are as entitled as anyone else to have a bit of your own time respected by your daughter and you will be doing her a big favour by setting those boundaries

OP,

I presume she is NT.

If she is, she sounds like at times, a rude demanding PITA that would test the patience of a saint.

Of course you wanta break from the endless twittering on.

Consideration towards others is an important trait to encourage in children and it sounds by tolerating her behaviour you have failed to do this.

She is 9 not 3, of course she should have a basic understanding that you want and are fully entitled to your down time, and she needs to develop the basic courtesy to respect this.

You are failing her by allowing her to grow up thinking that what she wants NOW is all that matters.

Firstly deal with how she speaks you, firmly.

I presume she can read the clock?

Mark out time for yourself that is YOUR time and when you expect to be left in peace.

If she insists on interrupting you needlessly, put up your ✋ firmly and keep reminding her of respecting your right to time and space.

Start being a lot firmer and don't be surprised if you get drama and tantrums because of these new long over due boundaries.

I repeat, that if you don't you will find yourself with an ever increasingly demanding brat that will alienate friends and could be very challenging during the teen years.

Both my daughters had classmates like your daughter, overly indulged by their exhausted lovely mothers who honestly just want a break from them.

This is not normal.

Pull back from this now and start enforcing consideration of YOU, before you regret it.

You sound like a great mum.

@MeinKraft don't be ridiculous. I meant that if my child was clearly desperate for some 1-1 attention, I would not try to fob them off for the sake of tv. Poor kid.

The timings of the first post suggests the DD had been like this for hours. You were just felt like writing a dickhead response.

I haven’t read the whole thread but sounds like your daughter is a sensory seeker and you’re a sensory avoider! No wonder you feel exhausted and overwhelmed.

the blurt foundation (Google) do a lovely child friendly sensory self care toolkit, perhaps you could both do one together so you can understand each others sensory needs. Then schedule time within the day to get those needs met eg: 1pm is daughters “whizzy” time - lots of vestibular input, ending in proprioceptive deep pressure/heavy work activity. 4pm - Mums sensory time, I need quiet time, less visual distraction, deep pressure/weighted blanket/ cup of tea (whatever the toolkit highlights for sensory self care). Doing it together will help your daughter to understand we are all wired differently and need more/less sensory input to feel calm and content. Try to avoid critical language towards her but reflect to her what your body needs to feel calmer, just like she needs more movement to feel calmer.

ignore the ignorant and hurtful “perfect” Mums on here. It’s hard being a single parent and it’s absolutely okay to feel exhausted and crave alone time to recharge, in fact I would argue you’re a better Mum for recognising these needs and asking for help. You can’t pour from an empty cup and children are biologically wired to take what they need from our cups first.

take care :)

@herapotomus you are so lucky to have this child who wants to share their time with you. Enjoy it. Watch a film with her instead of TV on your own. Get her to read books. Channel her energy into music or something similar.

Make the most of your time with her. She is growing up and if you carry on pushing her away like this then you will find that she no longer talks to you much when she's a teenager.

It sounds like you are so lucky to have her - many people would love this attention from their child.

Fuck's sake, if you read OP's posts you will see that she gives a lot of time and attention to her daughter. On one occasion she just couldn't keep up. She was disappointed that her ex had let her down.

Instead of trying to empathise, people keep sticking the boot in days after she first posted. Numpties.

I feel for you. It's a long time since I had a nine year old, so my views are probably hopelessly out of day, but why can't you tell her some of what you said in your OP?

You're not a toddler, you're 9 years old. Why do you insist on jumping around in front of the TV when you know I am trying to watch it? Who do you think you are to tell me to watch TV upstairs in my room when it's my house? That's what parents tell teenagers to do, not the other way round. Why don't you rollerblade in the garden? Why do you need to show me the same gym moves time and time again when I told you I would need to have today to relax - I am allowed to do some things I like too.

(Well you get the idea.)

Basically it's a matter of making her understand that you are not responsible for her 24-hour entertainment. Allowing for a certain amount of fresh air and exercise (which you say she has) she should be able to entertain herself for periods of time without constantly butting in on what other people are doing or demanding their interaction. As for telling you you're grumpy, cheeky thing - you are understandably irritated and next time she is out of sorts ask how she would feel if you just told her she was grumpy.

Also what struck me is that you say she kept looking at you for your reaction - that proves that she knows it annoys/upsets you and she's doing it anyway. I think this needs pointing out - ask why she's showing off.

However I do think this needs to be done calmly and in a matter of fact way otherwise she is getting the reaction she obviously wants by behaving how you don't want her to. Just be no nonsense and if she can't behave then maybe the roller blades etc get put away. Otherwise maybe some ignoring might work as she is obviously constantly wanting your attention, try giving her some when she has been amusing herself for a while and withholding it when she is being a pain.

@PollyPut

Please read the updates from the OP and then reconsider this response.

The OP clearly describes the time she spends with her child, she is not 'pushing her away' and the OP asking for a short amount of time to herself is extremely unlikely to impact their relationship.

@herapotomus

Yet on the thread posted tonight, you have a 9 yo son who's a bully and your DH was threatened. Which is it?

Please answer herapotomus
Youre wasting peoples time

Here your a single mum with one daughter
On Other thread you’re married with a bullying 9yr old son !!,,,

😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤

Congratulations OP on your new marriage. Did you meet him after you posted this thread? If so, that was very fast! And how did your 9yo DD turn into a boy?