AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

Sorry I think you are being a bit unreasonable! You need to chill a bit and find:
cheap things you can do together (a walk, anything!)
a film you can watch together

if she has no-one else to play with of her age then yes you will need to get active and join in a bit with her choices and activities.

I understand that you want “your” time but with a young child that isn’t really going to always happen.

as I said, find ways to make this work
x

@LuckySantangelo35

"her ex does owe her time though"

I suppose that's one aspect where I fundamentally disagree with most posters then. I genuinely didn't think that being glad to see my daughter unexpectedly for one of the weekend days, or at least not making it obvious I resented it, made me a martyr, sanctimonious, a twat, nasty and all the other insults I've received. Seems I got parenting wrong.

Why is it that posters are implying or outright saying that OP needing a break is hurting her child and making her feel unloved yet the fact OP's ex drops one day from his four days of contact a month goes unnoticed?

And yes a few PPS have mentioned that four childfree days a month are better than none but more likely that is time OP uses to catch up on jobs, housework etc rather than relax or take care of herself.

It doesn't take much thought to realise that.

How many times though? How many times does she have to watch her dance before she can say stop?

Also I noticed in one of your other posts that you said your children have been taught to respect your time and privacy. Isn't that what OP is asking for? Do you have any techniques or advice to offer OP rather than telling her she is doing it wrong?

Your ex is an asshole for putting you on the spot like that in front of her.

Lesson learned, the only answer to "What are you doing X day" is "I have plans."

As to your daughter, my goodness, at her age I was holed up alone with books for hours on end. Can you not send her to her room with strict orders to stay in there for at least an hour? To read, play, do something creative, nap or whatever?

@CanofCant

Set rules and timings. Have straightforward sanctions like removing rollerblades. Being the adult. Explain why the behaviour is wrong, rather than couch it in terms of her getting in the way. Set small challenges. Others may disagree, but unless her dad has a habit of doing this, using it as an opportunity to demonstrate how much you love her and, after a bit of time resting, taking advantage of it with a little excursion or watching a film together. I'm afraid to suggest doing anything nice as posters have told me she should deal with being dumped by her dad by occupying herself in her room.

Imagine if you weren’t divorced 😂

Does she not go to school? You have evenings and every other weekend. Come on OP, yes, she wants stimulation but that's normal. Most kids have siblings to bother but yes that all will come to you.

Does she have playdates?

Does she like films with popcorn?

I'm introverted too and struggle with my three noisy children but it's just part of parenting. Given you get time to yourself every other weekend (which most parents don't) and she goes to full time school presumably, I'm going to say YABU. Your expectations are off.

It doesn't really matter if that's what she wants. Children don't have to have all their "wants" met all the time she won't explode or grow up damaged because she was told to go and entertain herself for a day.

If she really wants to practise, she can do that in her room and then maybe agree to show mum what she's practised after tea, or before her bath, surely?

There's absolutely no way I would have been allowed to take over the house like that as a 9yo - I would be expected to go and entertain myself and if I complained about being bored or messed about, I'd have been given a nice list of chores to be getting on with

There's loads a 9yo can be getting on without constant supervision - she could read a book, draw, colour, play with lego, play with her toys, play a game on a tablet or screen, practise her gymnastics, rollerblade on the pavement outside, dance around to music or even quietly watch TV with her mum.

Children don't need constant entertainment. OP works full-time and does the vast majority of the childcare - she's not a bad person because she wants a break. She's also not a bad person because she expects her 9yo to entertain herself occasionally!

I agree with this too @Hobbi - I don't think you've been unreasonable at all with your posts.

I posted a couple of pages back with some suggestions. I've got two DC who have high needs (SEN), and one in particular is absolutely constant. So I get the exhaustion, and the frustration sometimes, but there are ways and means to deal with things. And unfortunately, that's just how it is having kids sometimes - it can be wearing.

OP gets every other weekend to herself to chill and recharge her batteries. DD goes to gymnastics on a Saturday too, and by OP's own admission often plays with other children in the street. I'd say that's lots of downtime for her to recharge and relax. A lot more time than many parents get.

I don't think expecting a parent to engage with her child one day per weekend is a big ask. She didn't have DD on the Saturday, so that should have been her time. And as I said earlier, if OP really is absolutely knackered for whatever reason, there are some things she could try rather than sitting on the sofa and watching TV for hours while expecting her sole child to go away quietly and not disturb her.

The ex and his reasons for not fulfilling his contact time are neither here nor there - it's whataboutery as currently we're talking about OP and her parenting. I don't think anyone really thinks that the ex has been fair or handled this well, but it's not relevant to this post.

@hobbi posters have suggested similar rules to you, you've been called names due to your insistence that OP should be overjoyed to having her plans leveled. Her ex demonstrated to his daughter that he doesn't crave time to her. OP takes her to clubs, plays with her, is a constant audience to her and deals with all the usual trials of raising a child.

Her ex has her for four days a month and thought nothing of dropping a day. That's shameful. That's a parent that doesn't consistently care about his child's feelings.

OP sounds burnt out and already feels unecessary guilt and you weren't helping with the tone and words you used toward her. That's why people reacted the way they did.

@StalkedByASpider

Thank you. My 23 year old is asleep on the sofa after walking the dogs for me. I was about to wake him and apologise for being such a terrible parent. What with all the liking him and everything.

I don't think expecting a parent to engage with her child one day per weekend is a big ask. She didn't have DD on the Saturday, so that should have been her time.

She also had her DD all of last weekend, all week, and will have her all of next week, plus the full weekend.

I really don't understand why OP is getting slammed here when it's the ex who's dropped 1/4 of his contact time this month

Yanbu to want some peace. But she needs boundaries. Being rude to you like that is not on, and there’s no way my kids would have been rollerblading in the house.

Ah you just sound like you enjoy being nasty and sarcastic.

What an unpleasant and unnecessary dig.

Awful as well as stupid post. Martyr yourself all you want, most humans including extroverts need down time.

The other PP talking about how the OP doesn’t have her kids full time as her ex has her DD every other weekend is a fool and probably has involved grandparents up the road looking after her kids half the time.

Some people are so full of shit on here it’s untrue.

It's time she started doing some chores.
When they are done properly she can have some pocket money. No chores done properly - no pocket money.
Get her cleaning and tidying. She'll soon be quiet then.

Hobbi just came on here to tell us all about her epic parenting skills.

@Hobbi your ‘kid’ is 23, life was different in the olden days. Also, I often find people who blow their own trumpet the most about being a good parent or try to act superiorly, are the ones whose children have a very different story/perception.

@CanofCant I may have not communicated it very well but I wasn't suggesting OP should be delighted, although saying I would have been maybe implied that. I was suggesting that focusing on her being in the way when her dad dumped her wouldn't address the attention seeking. Whether her ex is BU is another story. His job may be precarious, I presume he pays towards his daughter so a one off to protect his income might have to be taken on the chin. If it becomes a habit, that's different.

Good ideas from other PPs
Find something you can both watch, ( think we watched Tintin to death )
Think she is winding you up and she does need some form of minor punishment, she’s walking all over you and will continue to do so
Think her dad should do more esp as you work too. Can you/ would you want to suggest 50/50 care
Dont ever tell her dad you haven’t got anything on, he ll just do this again.

Hoping things get easier soon

Oh do one you weirdo.

@smellyshoes81

I not once suggested I was a great parent. Please don't lie.

Some thoughts:

Definitely don't tell your ex you aren't busy ever again

I agree with the people who say that some undivided attention for a bit would probably make her calmer later - it sounds like she is desperate for your attention

In general, more explicit structure for the day - in the morning, something together, then some separate time etc so she knows when to expect what

This may not be affordable but we hold back some of our annual leave for term time days off which we use to get some chill time - it does mean spending more on holiday childcare but it's worth it to us - the odd day or half day to yourself might just make you feel better. Another option in that space is using some cheaper 10-2 type holiday activity clubs just to give you some school holiday time out. As a fellow introvert, I find "banking" some time to myself really helps