AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

@Hobbi no one on here has said they don't want to spend time with their children.
Everyone has limits, I don't think OP is unreasonable to want a cup of tea without a 9 year old jumping around for attention, do you?
She was expecting a day to herself which hasn't happened, she is allowed to be disappointed, it doesn't mean she doesn't want to spend time with her daughter, she just wants a breather from entertaining her 24/7.
But well done you for being the ultimate mummy martyr. You must enjoy polishing your halo 😇

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

I never said I never got annoyed by my kids, what a ridiculous straw man. I said my default wasn't griping and being surprised about behaviours appropriate to their age and family set up.

@Hobbi

I think you are misunderstanding me. I fully accept that all children, not just little girls, are full of energy, that it doesn't last forever, that we should love every moment with our kids as we never get it back blah blah blah.

But the OP is struggling and your comments are unlikely to have helped her. You talked about how much you would relish an extra day with your children ... but the OP doesn't, she needed that day for a rest. This thread is about the OP asking for help and your post was not helpful. That's all.

@Hobbi

It was a pretty nasty post, let’s be honest.

Some absolute fucking knobbers on here, as per.

OP you're not a shit mum. By Hobbi and the other one's standards I'm probably the worst mum in the world but you definitely aren't.

Your ex sounds like a bit of a swine. Why did he schedule work on one of the very few days he sees his daughter? How do you feel about the ratio of time she spends with him and do you think you try to overcompensate? I could be completely wrong and just away with my armchair psychology.

YANBU though. Take it easy on yourself.

If my 9 year behaved like that there'd be serious consequences tbh.

Good for you OP is clearly struggling and all you've done is berate her for not being thrilled to spend extra time with her DD.

I also don't think attention seeking to this extent is normal for a 9yo, even one with divorced parents - she's not a toddler - she'll be off to secondary school in a couple of years!

If she wants to practise her gymnastics and play/sing/dance around, she can go to her room or the garden - she doesn't need to get in the way of her mum, block the TV and act out in the way that she is.

Expecting a lively nine year old not to behave like a lively nine year old just via reactive instructions is doomed to failure and not good for a child's self-esteem. Especially a child being told off for practicing the hobby her mum takes her to and who's not getting to see her dad this weekend. How is she reconciling the break up and, indeed, the friction and resentment between her parents this weekend? She may think it's all her fault. She's nine. And I never said I was a perfect mother, that's an insult you created all by yourself.

Honestly I feel you.
I could of wrote this about my daughter today. She is 11.
We have been out straight from school doing activities four nights this week.
She went out yesterday and this morning at 8am she kicks off because she's found out we aren't doing anything today. Apparently I never do anything with them and she hasn't been out in weeks. 🙄

I offered for her to walk up to her nans but she won't go unless I do. Told her she can bake,won't do it unless I help her.
She's eldest of five and nobody else minds a chill out day. Everyone else can and will entertain themselves.
She absolutely does not stop and I am at my wits end with her behaviour. She tantrums and screams.
I've spoken to school since year 1 and they think she is the most well behaved child they've ever met. 🤷🏻‍♀️

You aren’t a bad mum OP. I have a child exactly like yours. It’s hard work when they are relentless.

With your ex it’s very, very simple. You are always busy and you always have plans. Even when you don’t. He won’t get the jump on you again. You no longer facilitate childcare when he has to work. He doesn’t get to make it your problem 💐

Very similar behaviour to my niece (only child), my nephew (only child) and friend's (only) child.

Without siblings, you're the entertainer until they're 12 years old. When you have more kids, you're the usher.

There was recently a thread regarding stopping at one child and lots of parents saying how great it is.

Not that this observation really helps OP.

I'd suggest lots of playdates to get some semi downtime. Chuck them out into the garden and put your feet up for a bit. Maybe try and doze on the sofa while they watch a film, etc.

@herapotomus My youngest DC is like this, and has been ever since she was a small child. She's now an adult and is still like this. I love her dearly, but there have been many times over the past 20 years of SAHMing when I've just wanted to say "for God's sake, just stop talking. Even just for one minute." I think it must be even harder if she's your only child, as my DD did at least have older siblings to annoy play with when she was younger, which gave me a bit of a break. I think some children (people) are just hard-wired to demand attention.

In your situation, I'd start making very clear 'rules' for your DD. Along the lines of "after lunch, I am going to watch TV/have a bath/do the ironing/play the violin for half an hour. What are you going to do while I'm doing this?" You could point her in the direction of things that could occupy her.

I used to do my cello practice for half an hour after lunch, and all the DC knew that they could disturb me if the house caught fire, but not otherwise.

Or, when she's already in full-on mode: "I know you want me to look at you standing on one leg, because nobody has ever stood on one leg before, but I'm reading my book at the moment, but I will finish reading when I get to chapter 12, which will take me about half an hour. I'd then love to watch you stand on your head/perform your latest dance."
That way, she has less of a need to do the whole "mummeeee, look at meeeee" thing.

If she persists in interrupting, tell her it will take you much longer to get to chapter 12, and you'll be able to give her your full attention much sooner if she does something quietly on her own for a bit.

Bedtime - no attention at all. I know it is awful when they're rattling around in their rooms, but you can't respond to any need for attention after bedtime. Calm and firm.

I'd also remove the roller skates from the house and tell her they are for outside use only.

I feel you and this is so normal. Don’t feel guilty though! You are human and do enough and she sounds hard work (not in a mean way). I don’t really know the solution other than have a daily schedule you pin up and in the hours you are having me time ignore her. To be honest 9 year olds especially girls really should be more independant and understanding.

It sounds exhausting and of course you need a break and some down time (it’s not a competition like some posters think).

It’s fine to let them have screen time to chill out. Does she watch any programs/films? Does she have an IPad she can play on? Needs must sometimes!

And yes your ex now owes you a day. Shitty thing to do.

I would agree to spend an hour doing an activity together and then lunch then from after lunch until tea she plays in her room.
Leaving her the whole day to entertain herself is not something I would do.
If she then tried to disturb your peace in the afternoon want her there will be consequence.
Also the running up and down at night must stop.
She will object at first no doubt but be persistent.

@Hobbi

omg martyr alert

are you seriously saying that if the plan was for your high needs kid to have a day at their dads and you’d been looking forward to chilling out and just pleasing yourself and then that suddenly couldn’t happen… would you not feel even a smidgeon of disappointment?! Really??

@Hobbi OP's child, from the limited info on this thread is not just behaving like a 'lively 9 year old' at all, from her description of the child's behaviour I would have expected her to be much, much younger.
I am sure most people would agree that practicing gymnastics or dance in front of the TV is probably the worst place imaginable just from the safety point of view.
Conveniently for the child it also serves to get mums full attention once again (because mum is never allowed to take her focus off her child......think of the self esteem issues she'll have 🙄)
Just admit it, it made you feel good to stick the boot in and explain to the already frazzled OP how you were a much better parent for wanting to spend every second with your little cherubs.

Next time he asks you a question like “what are you doing Sunday” then the answer is “full on weekend thanks” End. of. conversation.

OP,

I agree you have two separate problems. Now you are forewarned always to ‘be busy’ when your ex asks if you are. Unless he changes his tune and proposes something you find mutually beneficial, and always stays in credit with you.

DD might be an extrovert or otherwise hardwired in ways that clash with your temperament. PPs gave good ideas for coping with that. But rollerblading in the house? Telling you to go watch television upstairs? Just …. no. Allowing DD to talk to you this way isn’t doing her any favours. She needs a mother, not an equal or, worse, someone she (thinks she can) boss around. I agree you need a system of small, easy to implement consequences for a certain level of behaviour.

'High needs kid'? Where's that in the post? I'm saying openly treating the times she's at her dad's as some sort of respite is unlikely to boost her self-esteem and address attention seeking behaviour. From the daughter's perspective, 'I see your dad has seemingly said he has something better to do and now you're in the way of the TV. Oh, and don't practice the hobby I take you to, it's annoying.' One can set boundaries and negotiate attention without sending out that message. My youngest was prone to a tantrum and both boys had their moments as facetious and surly preteens and teens. We weren't perfect parents, or martyrs. Just didn't expect young children not to go through perfectly normal emotional and social development stages and to magically understand adult relationships and emotions.

@Hobbi

Just stop now.
Your posts make you sound like a sanctimonious twat.

@PurelyOrnamental
It certainly didn't make me feel good, what gibberish. It also didn't make me feel good to see all the posts about her ex owing her time with the burdensome child. I hope the child doesn't pick up on that, attention seeking, especially regarding hobbies is one symptom of low esteem.

Tbf to the op if the dad only has her every other weekend that's what like 6 nights a month or even 4? It's not a lot. My ex has our child 2 nights a week after school and sometimes as few as 1 in 6 weeks so although there is contact I do feel like I do most of it alone.

Sorry 1 in 6 weekends

@Hobbi

yes high needs as in struggles to entertain herself

and you didn’t actually answer my question