AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

You keep saying that the 9yo is only "practising the hobby the OP takes her to" - but you haven't explained why that means she have to take over the living room to practise?

She has a bedroom to use for that kind of thing!

It sounds to me like you don’t really enjoy her company. Kids can be boring……..and self centred……..and annoying. That’s normal. And if she senses that you don’t want to hang out with her and you’d rather watch tv then it’s also totally normal that she will try to get your attention in any way she can. Even if it’s negative attention.
Could you try to really engage and show proper interest in what she does? Really acknowledge her? If she feels seen, she’s less likely to be so demanding all the time.

Thank you for the beautiful words. I will stop now as folk are wilfully ignoring probable causes for the behaviour that is causing the OP problems and, unbelievably, suggesting the ex owes her time from the burden of having a child. For better results, I suggest saying all of this in front of the poor kid.

Oh @Hobbi , please give it a rest. We all know what you think now and the thread isn't actually about you...

I hear you, @herapotomus. My almost nine year old id fine but my four year old is, always has been and probably always will be a nightmare in the same way. I'm lucky enough to have a lovely husband but that doesn't necessarily help because we are absolutely unable to have a proper conversation when she is around. You're definitely not a shit mum, you're a very normal one. Nine is just about old enough to be able to have a sensible conversation about this, so maybe try sitting her down and explaining, in very careful language, how her behaviour affects you and ask what you can both do to improve things?

I’ll swap you for my newborn (who naps no
longer than 30 mins at a time and is otherwise
in my arms constantly) and my 3 year old for a day!

What's this supposed to mean? She sbould be somehow grateful? OP has, presumably, also experienced parenting a newborn and 3 year old.

Hobbi is a knobbi

@SpinningFloppa

sorry you are so bitter about your own situation that OPs terminology triggers you so much but actually getting a day a fortnight “break” doesn’t mean she’s not the full time parent which clearly she is. Does parents working and kids going to school mean most of us aren’t full time parents? That’s ridiculous logic. You sound like a martyr which is sad really.

@LuckySantangelo35
Sorry, you're right I didn't answer, it was an oversight. Of course I'd feel some resentment - yesterday DS2 came round unexpectedly and I resented our usual lazy Saturday routine being interrupted, so I obviously had my moments when they were younger and reliant on me. It's the feeling that her ex owes her time because she doesn't like spending time with her that rankled and the studious ignoring of the obvious reasons the child could be seeking attention.

Again. It’s not a competition. This is not helpful.

This is my view, but I got called a 'twat' for it. 🤷‍♀️

YABU

She’s just been at her dads and I presume you work FT too, so you only see her a couple of hours every evening and EOW.

As a single parent with literally no help having a break EOW would be a dream.
But my work is my break.

She was excited to see you.

Give her some attention and then let her do her own thing.

Do not feel ashamed for sticking a movie on or letting her have screen time if you need an extra hours break.

If you are struggling to cope with her even though you don’t have her FT then could you ask her dad to have her more and just explain to him how you are struggling.

@herapotomus can you arrange some play dates send her to some friends houses to play? take her to soft play let her run round whilst you drink te? sign her up to dance classes. could she use some hobbies?

Careful, considering the child's needs gets you called a 'twat' and a 'nob' on this thread.

How witty.

@Hobbi

her ex does owe her time though

🤷‍♀️

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv

I don’t think you’re a shit mum but you do sound incredibly lazy if your just sat in front of the TV on a Sunday and expecting a 9 year old to not want to speak and spend time with you.

Careful, considering the child's needs gets you called a 'twat' and a 'nob' on this thread.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t surprise me.
Some posters have a very low bar when it comes to parenting.

Yet I can guarantee if this was a reverse and the dad had started the thread he’d be called every name under the sun.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

Perhaps she wants her mum to see her dance. Just a thought. 'Get out of the way of the telly, you're not supposed to be here' is obviously a much better message.

It's obvious that you love your Daughter to bits. You are also allowed to enjoy quiet time even when you are a mother.

And whilst single children can need more entertaining than those with siblings close in age you are not required to entertain her all the time.

I'm stating these obvious points to reinforce that you are not being unreasonable.

You are allowed boundaries. This is a reasonable position but some negotiation may help. Let's do x and then you can entertain yourself while I chill. "Buying time" by asking another child around is great at 9 when they need minimum supervision.

You are not grumpy. You will be grumpy if you don't get some peace. Say it. Make DD laugh but make sure she understands.

There can be consequences for not doing as you asked and rewards when she does.

It is reasonable to remind DD that her room needs tidying / homework needs doing.

It is OK to remind DD that she is not doing as you asked. That is the 68th time you showed me that handstand

Roller skating indoors is a never event.

Why don’t you have house rules and consequences for when they are broken and when she is rude? I would never have been allowed to roller skate in the house as a child! You say she is being cheeky and winding you up but don’t suggest you have put in any form of discipline to manage this behaviour? Do you just let her do whatever you want? If she can’t be quiet downstairs send her to her bedroom until she is ready to be in a shared space; I’m not saying you should expect silence but it’s reasonable not to let your kids rollerblade in the house and not to be jumping around whilst you’re having some time out. Will she not settle in front of the TV or with an iPad or a book for half an hour in her room? Will she not self-occupy at all?

@Hobbi

im sure her mum has seen her dance LOTS of times

I don’t think it’s fair for you to watch tv and ignore her. Any child would take that as an invitation to make a pest of themselves. Will she watch tv with you if it’s something you both want to watch? Or will she watch some rubbish on an iPad to give you a break? Can you find a new hobby that’s tiring that you can do together, in the hopes she’ll be a bit worn out and calmer afterwards? Maybe bouldering? And yes tell your ex he needs to have her one day next weekend. But I sympathise, children who won’t stop talking are exhausting.

I can understand your frustration. At 9 she doesn’t need constant entertaining, and parading around in front of me on roller skates would annoy me. I’d ban them in the living room. Don’t put up with backchat. If you don’t correct it now god help you in a few years. Let her dad know that you need your break every other weekend so please don’t ask you for her to come back early in future, or be ready to say you’re busy both days. Can he have her a bit more? It’s hard work being a single mum, mine are teens now and ones at Uni, the other I barely see as in her room but I’ve not forgotten how full on it is. Don’t feel bad for needing a bit of space

This is a great response to the OP. No cat's-bum-faced WELL I ACTUALLY WANTED MY CHILDREN UNLIKE THE REST OF MUMSNET in sight.