AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

[herapotomus]

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

Pretty sure it is. So you can't claim you work full time unless you work 24 hours 7 days a week?

Horrible cruel post from you @Hobbi

OP is explaining how drained she feels and how she needs a break, your post is unnecessary

I used to say “mummy is going to sit and have a cup of tea in peace so you need to go and find something to do. Dc learned to leave me alone for that period. Any interruption would be met with “I’m drinking my tea”. (Unless there was blood or vomit). I have 11 year old twins who don’t shut up. They have a constant monologue. It’s exhausting.

No, it seems that OP would like some time to herself to recharge. There’s nothing wrong with that. Not wanting to spend every possible moment with DC doesn’t mean one sees them as a chore. Motherhood doesn’t subsume the right to private time and introspection.

She does play with her friends in the street and goes to gymnastics on a Saturday and dancing on a Monday. But in the house, unless I am playing with her (which I do) she just does as posted.

You're not a shit mum.
You just need a break from your attention seeking 9 year old.
My DD was exactly the same at 9 ... always putting on displays and shows, standing in the middle of the room demanding attention when I just wanted to curl up with a book and some peace.

Agree with other posters that bedtime should mean no more up and down, no wandering around, stay in her room and in bed. This should give you a couple of hours of peace in the evenings and may help each new day seem achievable.

You are a human and your needs still matter.

@TossieFleacake I wasn't being unkind, I said I didn't understand the mindset. I'd miss my children if they had to spend time with their dad away from me and would love an extra day if I didn't have other responsibilities planned. The OPs apparent attitude to spending time with her child could well be the cause of the behaviour. All of MN seems to be people complaining about the partners they chose and the children they to have.

And what are the consequences for this behaviour?

Oh, do please shut up. If you’ve nothing constructive to contribute, just go away.

It's incredibly healthy to want (and need) time to yourself.

It doesn't mean you don't love your children, miss them or see them as a chore

"Pretty sure it is. So you can't claim you work full time unless you work 24 hours 7 days a week?"

Oh come on 😆

I'm not bothered that you said you have her "full time" when her dad actually has her EOW. But that comparison to work is ridiculous.

I have my kids full time. As in every single day. Nobody picks them up 2 Fridays a month keeping them until Sunday or Monday. That's what the pps are referring to when they're saying you don't have her full time. Obviously.

I think your duaghter and ex have some boundary issues? Some ideas I have are, start a new policy that you don't discuss what you do on your weekends with your ex and with your dd. "What did you do this weekend, mum?" Your answer: "Grownup things." With your ex: "What are you doing this weekend?" your answer: "Oh I'm busy, out and about doing various things. Why do you ask?" If your ex is nice you could try asking him to reciprocate the day off you gave him. If he's not, you can say, 'I did this as a one-off but in future if you wish me to watch her on your contact weekend then you'll have to ask at least 3 days in advance and if I'm able to do it then I'll expect you to reciprocate by having her on a weekend you don't usually have her."

Rollerblading in the house is something you can cancel. It's not really safe, it's loud, it's probably not good for your flooring, etc. I noticed that when you told her to stop, she did not obey you but instead gave YOU an instruction to go upstairs to watch tv. This suggests to me that the authority in your home is somewhat reversed and that she is not showing respect for your authority. You also say that even after she goes to bed, you don't get any rest because she is up and down asking for things. She should not be doing this.

I have a child with ADHD and anxiety so I'm familiar with these behaviors. It's difficult to quell them because children with ADHD can be extremely persistent. One of the hallmarks is manipulative behavior actually. They crave attention because attention is stimulation. Asking for constant attention can also be a self-soothing behavior for anxiety.

I would start with the rollerblading. First you have to come up with a consequence if she doesn't stop rollberlading when you tell her to. It must be reasonable, proportionate, and enforceable. For example, telling her that you will take her rollerblades off, is not enforceable because you would have to physically stop her and physically take off the rollerblades and if she resisted then it could become problematic. So a consequence would have to be something like, we will not do our usual tv show at night. (Notice how with this consequence, you only get ONE action that you can give a consequence to. So you will be working on one unwanted behavior at a time.) It must also be reasonable and proportionate: taking away tv for the whole week is not reasonable or proportionate. By the next day she'll have forgotten what she did and will feel even more anxious about her relationship with you. A bigger consequence does not always produce a greater shift in the behavior, so, "no playdates for a week!" does not work as you might think. YOu need a consequence that is small enough that you can give it consistently each of the 785 times she repeats the bad behavior until she figures out you really mean what you say.

What is the point of this derail?

My DD is also 8 and being assessed for ADHD. Her behaviour is exactly the same. Wants to be entertained all the time, dancing around, constantly chatting (she doesn’t stop to catch a breath)

I’m also a lone parent and have my DD full time, apart from the time she’s at school but I work from home and study so I don’t get a minutes peace.

What I find helps is giving her chores to do whether that’s folding laundry, putting clean dishes away, tidying her bedroom or putting her clean washing away. I even get her go help with simple tasks around the house such as hoovering (we do it together) before anyone questions me 🤦🏻‍♀️ it really helps a lot. But if she gets too much I send her to her room for 10 minutes to do some reading.

@Hobbi

Your post is unkind, whether you meant it like that or not.
Hooray for you that you that your children don't drain you to the point of exhaustion.
Hooray for you that you cherish every waking moment being taken up with entertaining your kids.

Your post just celebrates yourself, it offers no support or advice to the OP and is therefore unnecessary.

Have you actually told her that you need a rest and expect her to entertain herself for X amount of time? What would she do if you went for a long bath in the afternoon for example?
Kids need to realise that their parents are not robots and we don't always have the same boundless energy that they have!
The thing is though, if we don't teach them this they don't automatically know when we are running on empty, it is fine to expect them to give you some peace during the day and not dick around at bedtime.

You described my 9 year old. I would do my best to give my attention but sometimes it was very difficult. I ended up saying, do some chores. It helped that he had a friend a few doors down to play with sometimes. Also it is ok to give them the tablet/computer. I would also say firmly. It's my turn now, I'm having some quiet time (repeat calmly as many times as was needed). I would say it's important mums don't get stressed and I stay healthy. That means I have to have some time for myself. It can be intense.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast

I may have misread the post but I thought OP had time to herself yesterday. I also read that the child does gymnastics and it seems she wants to practice - my nieces were always practicing their dancing lessons and while it was vaguely tiresome, everyone recognised it as a snapshot in a preteen's life that you'd never get back. As it seems I'm in the minority, having actively wanted to spend time with my children (who incidentally were taught to be good at respecting my time and space), I'll concede that my attitude is perverse and being constantly annoyed by normal nine year old behaviour is the default.

My DD and my niece are exactly like this, it is really tiring. My DD is an adult now but never grew out of it really, jumping and talking to you constantly. DD has ADHD.

My niece now is 24/7 handstands and WATCH WATCH you cannot even go to the loo my poor Dsis is shattered. Some kids find it really hard to learn to entertain themselves but keep persevering, perhaps some kind of craft or hobby, reading or something you can get into?

THIS....

When my children can't seem to entertain themselves for ten minutes with any of the gazillion toys/books/games/computers etc we have and I'm sure that I have given them plenty of love and attention, first I sit with them and ask if there's something on their mind. If they say no....they're just bored....then I tell them they can empty the dishwasher, hoover the stairs, fold the laundry, change their bedding. It gets rid of them very quickly 🤣🤣🤣

i meant to add I have other younger DC and they were not like this so I was always asking them ‘are you ok?’ if they were ever quiet and entertaining themselves I would worry they were upset 🤣

"What is the point of this derail?"

Erm. Answering the OPs question. I pasted it right there in that post, did you read what you quoted?

What was the point of you posting that?

You can want to spend time with your children and want time to yourself at the same time.
You can love your kids and find them annoying at the same time.

If a 9yo wants to practise gymnastics, they're free to do it in their room, or the garden - what they don't get to do is to take over the main living space in the house, block the TV and behave rudely towards their mum

The faux naiveté of "oh it must just be me who never gets annoyed by their kids" is a bit ridiculous, really.

It wasn't meant unkindly. Attitudes may have changed, my children are grown up. But little girls being full of energy and wanting to practice their hobby seems very, very normal to me. Little girls with a fractured family needing a bit more attention and boundaries also seems par for the course. Certainly not indicative of ADHD before you've tried being the authoritative and loving adult in the relationship.

You’re the adult in this situation op, you need to be way firmer with boundaries and consequences.

At the risk of generalising, this kind of ‘relationship of equals’ seems to be a very common dynamic in only child DD/single parent households. Maybe remind yourself (and her) that you’re in charge and she does as she’s told.

I have an only too btw so no judgement, but there’s just no way I’d allow my DD to speak to me like that. This boundary has been very consistent from toddlerhood and I’m pretty sure she just wouldn’t dare behave like this in the house now, as she knows what the consequences would be (no WiFi password/loss of devices very effective imo)

Your current approach has the makings of a very difficult teen situation in the future so I’d really recommend nipping it in the bud now if you can.

Can you arrange a school friend to come over to play at the weekends, or after school? This really helps with my DD.

Good luck op.