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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off or am I just a shit mum?

276 replies

herapotomus · 29/01/2023 14:32

I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits but also I have to deal with some intense mood swings and attitude some of the time which I know is just part of being a parent and I can deal with. What really irritates me is that she can't entertain herself ever, I do lots of activities with her but whenever I sit down to have a cup of tea for ten minutes she's always jumping around in front of me, found gymnastics, saying, 'mum look at this' whilst doing something she's showed me a million times. My enthusiasm is wearing thin. When I say to her that I'm chilling and to stop bouncing about she looks all butt hurt and calls me grumpy which then makes me feel bad.

I have her full time but she goes to her dads every second weekend. I'm an introvert and there is constant chatter from her, I don't even really get down time at night as she is up and down, up and down asking for things. So I really, value and NEED my time when she is at her dads as it really is the only time I get to just be myself in peace and recharge and then I'm more able to deal with things when I have her.

Anyways, this Friday her dad picked her up. On the doorstep in front of our daughter he asked me what I was doing Sunday. I said since I'm busy Saturday, Sunday I'm doing absolutely nothing and will just be a chill day before back to work for the week. He said 'oh okay, I need someone to have daughter as I need to work'. My daughter then says to me, 'well you're not doing anything so can I come home?'

I obviously said yes because what am I meant to say, 'sorry no you can't come home because I want peace from you?' What would that do to her? So I said yes of course you can come home but I'm just going to be having a relaxing day in the house so we won't be doing anything.

She got dropped off at 8.30 am this morning and I could just scream, she has purposely been trying to wind me up, cheeky, chatting constantly, jumping about doing gymnastics whilst I'm trying to watch tv, rollerblading in the house right in front of me. And then looks at me as if to see my reaction. When I tell her to stop she says, 'go and watch your tv upstairs'. I just want to scream, she is nine!!!! Why should she dictate to me where I can watch tv? She's not a toddler, she is 9, why does she insist on jumping around right in front of the tv. I am so irritated today. I have had no relaxation and I am so pissed off that her dad asked that in front of her!!

She keeps saying that I'm grumpy, I fucking well am, at my wits end today and just want some fucking peace. The thing is even if she gives me peace I then feel like a shit mum and full of guilt.

AIBU?

OP posts:
WashableVelvet · 29/01/2023 15:29

No advice as ours is 3 years younger. DC gets like this when doesn’t get enough exercise and time outdoors. Does fresh air and physical tiredness stop working by 9??? Eek!

Original poster
herapotomus · 29/01/2023 15:30

WashableVelvet · 29/01/2023 15:29

No advice as ours is 3 years younger. DC gets like this when doesn’t get enough exercise and time outdoors. Does fresh air and physical tiredness stop working by 9??? Eek!

Well she'd cycled from her dads to my house which is around 3 miles so has had some exercise time outside

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 29/01/2023 15:31

She sounds like my 8 Yr old who is being assessed for adhd, do you have any concerns about that? Only I’m learning if it is adhd you have to parent quite differently, the normal approach won’t necessarily work.

SecretVictoria · 29/01/2023 15:31

What are the consequences for her being rude to you? Why does she even think it’s acceptable to rollerblade in the house? You need to put your foot down with her.

NotTooOldPaul · 29/01/2023 15:32

herapotomus
I'm a single mum to a 9 year old girl. She's amazing and lovely and I do love her to bits

To me that is the bit of your post that matters.
You love her.
In my opinion that means you are a good and loving mum. There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of peace away from her.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 29/01/2023 15:32

If I'd behaved like that at nine, I'd have been sent to my room to "think about my behaviour".

What consequences are you giving her when she's playing up like this?

imsureineverdo · 29/01/2023 15:33

Put your foot down at bedtime. Entertaining her in the day will be easy if you get your evenings to yourself, even if it's from 8pm. Once she's been to the loo and had a drink of water there's no reason for her to be "up and down"?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 15:35

That’s why I think parenting is so hard when you’re an introvert. I’m similar and have a ds8 (nearly 9).

One of the reasons for our divorce was that I never got any down time, where as exh always took loads for himself. Found myself chasing him about to try to make him share weekends fairly.

The thing is as a single parent you need the free time, as you’ve had the kids alone the rest of the time- it balances out the sharing that a couple in a healthy relationship would do as they go along.

I think you should ask your ex not to ask what you’re doing in front of your Dd, but to have the conversation separately with you, and well in advance, as it could be awkward. What if the answer was that you had a date?

But also I think I’d say that you’d like any swaps to be arranged with more notice.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 15:36

My 8 yo is being assessed for ADHD also I should say.

SpinningFloppa · 29/01/2023 15:37

You don’t have her full time if she does to her dads every second weekend sorry but I’m a lone parent to 4 full time and their dad doesn’t see them if she’s going every second week for the weekend that isn’t you having her “full time” as you get breaks.

PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 15:38

SpinningFloppa · 29/01/2023 15:37

You don’t have her full time if she does to her dads every second weekend sorry but I’m a lone parent to 4 full time and their dad doesn’t see them if she’s going every second week for the weekend that isn’t you having her “full time” as you get breaks.

How is this relevant to the post?

afinishedkiss · 29/01/2023 15:38

I hear you OP, that would do my brain in.

PurelyOrnamental · 29/01/2023 15:38

@SpinningFloppa you do realise it isn't a race to the bottom don't you?🙄

PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 15:39

OP, she’s being rude. What are the consequences for her rudeness?

SpinningFloppa · 29/01/2023 15:40

She said she had her kid “full time” no she doesn’t if she stays at her dads every second weekend!

creamwitheverything · 29/01/2023 15:40

playdates with friends could be helpful . You have a friend over for your dd then your dd goes to friens another day, It means they can play together in her room,you can have snacks fo rthem and they are occupied it equals a bit of peace for you, It worked for me with my dd , Infact mine was so clingy and demanding we called her needy macneedy! She will say now at 11 yrs am I being a bit needy macneedy and giggles, It seems a weird but draining stage they go through that seems to last forever but it honestly wont last forever,,,just fking feels like it at the time!!!!!

HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 29/01/2023 15:41

This is NOT typical behaviour for a 9 year old girl. Mine were like this for about a year at about 4 or 5. They grew out of it by then. At 9, your children should be out playing with other children, or having them round to play, or be involved in little clubs - hobby groups/sports group/brownie guides etc... Does she not do anything except mither you?

The very idea of shoving an ipad in her face and saying 'entertain yourself (as a pp suggested) is ridiculous. Hmm She obviously needs some kind of mental stimulation/something to occupy her time and her mind. One person (you - the mother) can not, and should not be responsible for the mental stimulation of a 9 year old girl, ALL THE TIME. And you should not be responsible for entertaining her (all the time.) At this age, as I say, she should be forming friendship groups and hobbies of her own. Why is she stuck with you all the time?

You're obviously not a bad mother btw. The behaviour you describe would try the patience of a saint. It is NOT normal behaviour for a 9 year old girl though. To be honest, she just sounds very bored to me!

Cherryblossoms85 · 29/01/2023 15:44

Firmer boundaries. Rollerblading inside is absolutely not on. Find some of the rest of your post strange though.

getreadyy · 29/01/2023 15:46

Rollerblading in the house? Nope.
Up and down at bedtime? Nope.
Wanting to play and chat? Normal.

You need to put down some ground rules.

ChippyTea16 · 29/01/2023 15:47

No advice but just wanted to say you’re not a shit mum OP. The phrase you can’t pour from an empty cup springs to mind. I would have thought a 9 year old could understand that she shouldn’t be expected to be entertained by you all day. Agree with pp you should ask her dad to cover another day to make up for the day he’s missed. And make something up next time he asks what your plans are!

Hobbi · 29/01/2023 15:47

I do t understand all the posters saying your ex owes you a day. Isn't spending time with your children a positive thing? It's not respite. He asked if you had anything planned and you said no. You got to see your daughter when normally you don't. It seems you see her as a chore.

Bpdqueen · 29/01/2023 15:48

My kids would never dare tell me they was bored as there was always plenty of chores for them to do. I use to find saying if your bored go tidy your room worked a treat, they would soon then find things to entertain themselves with

PousseyNotMoira · 29/01/2023 15:49

SpinningFloppa · 29/01/2023 15:40

She said she had her kid “full time” no she doesn’t if she stays at her dads every second weekend!

So what?

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 29/01/2023 15:49

Hobbi · 29/01/2023 15:47

I do t understand all the posters saying your ex owes you a day. Isn't spending time with your children a positive thing? It's not respite. He asked if you had anything planned and you said no. You got to see your daughter when normally you don't. It seems you see her as a chore.

By your logic, her ex should should want to have her the extra day as it's a positive thing to spend time with her.

So she's just doing him a favour, really Wink

creamwitheverything · 29/01/2023 15:49

Another thought ..does your dd have any involvement with grandparents on both sides.or cousins etc? Might be worth if you could cultivating some of those relationships, reason being is it helps with confidence and feelings of security for your dd. and might lesson her dependance on you a little too?

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