Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

[McWoman]

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

"Counselling" ?

Get over yourself.
He's broken up with his girlfriend.
He will be sad. It's a big chunk of his life so far, but you aren't owed an explanation.
It is statistically very likely to happen to any youngsters who started going out when they were 16.
People mature and change and grow a huge amount between 16 and 26 - it is much more likely that people will grow apart than grow together at that age.
He'll be upset for a bit. His friends will rally round. Life will carry on.

Voted YABU because - 22y olds. But very hard to watch as his mum, totally understand x.

It will all come out in the wash, plenty more fish in the sea etc etc as my own mum told me at 22 when the same thing happened to me. And she was right!

Life has its ups & downs

Things happen

People come and go

Life doesn't always work out how you imagined that it would

Where one door closes, another door will open

In a year, things will be different

Break ups of adult DC are tough. You can only watch and offer a shoulder.
DS's GF of 3 years dumped him out of the blue on the eve of his uni finals. That was hard to justify. All for the best in the end but it takes time.

It’s sad when a long relationship ends, and it’s natural that he’s upset. But they often do at that age and often do when they become long distance. Their lives have just gone in different directions. Possibly she found wanted (or has found) someone who was around more. Who knows. As everyone has said, he needs to grieve and give it time.

This. He has saved himself the heartache of a divorce.

It will take time, but he will realise this when he is ready.

The reason the girl he started dating at 16 has broken up with him is that they started dating at 16. They have now grown up a bit, realized who they are as people and what they want out of life instead of being in a teenage romance.

sometimes teenage romances last, but most of the time they are just temporary.

If they are in LDR maybe she wants to be in a relationship with someone who is available to take her out and have fun together. They are still young. He will find someone else on time.

Sounds to me like she’s met someone else and doesn’t want to admit it. Hence her reluctance to give him a reason.

It’s extremely common in long distance relationships and at this age. I don’t think there’s any reason to make too big a deal out of it by suggesting counselling. He just needs time to lick his wounds and get over this change. Soon he’ll be out and about rediscovering the freedom of single life again and the chance to meet someone new.

Time is great healer. I was dumped at a similar age after a relationship that started in late teens. People change a lot at that age and it is far from unusual. I was gutted and miserable for a while but I got over it and it wasn't the end of the world. Just be there for him if he needs you.

Some of these responses are extremely flippant, it makes no difference that he's still young, how is that useful to him? People kept repeating this same useless phrase to me when my husband died at a young age, l felt like silently screaming.
Young love is very intense, he's been through alot of different stages since they met, he is probably still in love with her. I have a lot of empathy for him as l went through something similar at his age and l still remember those awful feelings well, many years down the line.
My son is 21 and been with his girlfriend for almost five years, it's not that uncommon at this age, my nephew married his first girlfriend who he met at uni after 9 years, they are very happy.
I would let him know your there for him, but also give him his space, he has a lot to process. Time is a great healer but he will only appreciate that further on down the line.

This.

She doesn’t need to give a reason when its so blindingly obvious that

1. She isn’t the same person she was at 16
2. Their love wasn’t strong enough to survive a years long distance relationship
3. She’s never been able to enjoy single life as an adult. Literally never been a single adult!

Sad for your son but it happens to many. Time will heal - well actually 99% if the time he’ll be very sad aboutnit until he falls for someone else and then this girl will be forgotten.

She doesn't need any reason at all. She doesn't owe him.

I look askance at people who allow young teens to become deeply involved in romantic relationships. At that age they should be focusing on their education, their career prospects, learning adulting skills, etc., not becoming enmeshed with another teenager.

You have every right to be annoyed and upset.

I was that son of yours (I'm female) as I was dumped in my early 20s after a long relationship that started in my teens. We were actually engaged. I was distraught as he was my best friend as well as everything else.

And yes, his name was mud, as far as my parents were concerned.

I think the best advice you can give him is that time does heal.
And if he wants to talk, to you or his dad, let him talk. It can help to just get it all out even though you can't provide any answers.

And encourage him to get out and do stuff in London with his friends.
If he's relied on seeing this girl since he's moved away, how is he fixed for friendships now?

My feeling is that his mates should put an arm round him and help him pick up his life.

OP I was in your son's position at his age. I think my mum felt how you did (his mum too). I've no great advice but just wanted to say that it did take me a long time (years) to totally get over it but I did get there in the end. I'm sure your son will too. What I would say is not to comment on his relationship, or even talk about it, unless he wants to - much better to talk about the future than the past. My mum would often say things like 'its such a shame, you were so good together' and I think she hoped we'd get back together. But the relationship wasn't perfect, we had grown apart, and actually although I was devastated, deep down I knew it was best it was over even though I didn't want it to be.

Oh and whatever you do, don't try to minimise it.

My mum would come out with cliches like 'plenty more fish in the sea' and 'you'll have bigger disappointments' which were totally off the mark and made me angry as well as sad.

Your first serious relationship coming to an end is so tough, but "normal" tough and I don't think you'd do him any favours by pathologising it, unless there are other MH concerns.

www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-Your-First-Love

And, being able to end any relationship at any time without having to justify those reasons to others outside of the relationship is an important freedom. For both him and her.

If they were together for 6 years, there was a lot of momentum there and most of us don't give up that easily. Best just to trust that she had her reasons. I expect she did communicate them to him, but he can't really share that clearly just now. It could be as simple as "I was 6 years younger when we met, I'm older and different now, with different wants"...and that's ok isn't it? Reaching for the reason doesn't really serve anyone, because any reason is fine (except having a gun to her head etc, but that seems unlikely).

If it were my son I'd be reminding him:

Losing your first love is a really tough right of passage that most of us will experience.
Focus on self care and forward looking behaviour.
That 22 is young. Still a child's brain, biologically. Him and his ex-partner are still growing into their adult brains (happens around 25). So it's not unusual to grow apart at this age -it can be brave to admit this has happened.

I have been through the ups and downs of 3 DDs' relationships - it is awful - you just want to wave a wand and make it all go away! He will get over it, but he just needs you there to be his rock.

He applied for and accepted a job in London which meant them no longer living together and spending most of the time apart. He put his career before his relationship, which isn't a bad thing at 22-years-old, but a natural consequence of that is this drifting apart. They were both naive to think he could do what he wanted and she would follow him. She's probably realising now that she has her own life to lead. They're going in different directions in life. Wanting different things. It's very normal. It's why most teenage relationships don't last. People change as they grow, and those changes aren't always compatible.

Spot on.

I went through similar with my son. He had been with his gf since the age of 15 and she finished with him when they were 22.
He was destroyed, lost loads of weight, couldnt focus on anything.
I can't say I was upset or annoyed, that would be ridiculous, as anyone is free to leave a relationship if it's not working from them.
Ds wouldnt eat, went running for miles and ended up gaunt.
The only thing I could do is listen with out criticising Chelsea. I never slagged her off.
I just made small meals, encouraged him to come out on family do's. I didnt constantly ask him how he was. Sometimes I sat in silence hugging him while cried.
Like your son, this was ds first relationship and of course it ends. When he was nearly over it we talked about how his behaviour could have contributed to the break up. Not blaming, just using it as a learning curve. He has now been with his "new" g f for several years and I can see a huge difference how he behaves. He has learned from the past and matured.

Similarly, I was the 22 year old female who dumped the fiancée I’ve been with since my teens. The thought of ending up with the only boy I’ve ever dated filled me with dread. He was nice, good looking and my family loved him but I needed to be young and explore what else was there. He took a long time to recover but now has a wonderful family (as do I!) - time heals and life goes on.

She doesn’t really need a reason. It’s sad for your son but she’s not obligated to provide a reason or excuse. I’m sure if she was your daughter you’d be telling her she doesn’t need a reason to leave a relationship that isn’t making her happy or fulfilling her anymore.

Do you know where he got the idea from about his insulin. Young people love trying new fads hopefully he will see sense.

He’s probably going to be better off in the long-run…now he has a chance to enjoy his freedom and sow his wild oats. I think it’s important to do this when young before settling down…even if he doesn’t feel he wants to right now. People who don’t are more likely to feel they’ve missed out later…and possibly more likely to feel the urge to sow them later when they’re not actually free to do so. That’s just my opinion though! He should at least take the time to explore who he is when not part of a couple, now that he has the chance.