Upset and annoyed that ds's gf of 6 years has chucked him, leaving him devastated and not giving any real honest reason?

[McWoman]

Hi
My son (22yrs) has been chucked by his gf after a 6yr relationship. They didnt live together, and for the last year it was a long distance relationship as he took up a great new job in London, but they had plans for a future together. Now she has changed her mind, with no reasons given, and he has come home, totally devastated and extremely depressed. I would never get involved, but feel totally helpless, out of my depth, and unsure of how to get him out of his current mindset. I have suggested he seeks counselling through his work. Any other suggestions?

Any other suggestions?

When it's a little less raw, I'd point out that he's done well at his age to have had such a long-lasting relationship. He's lucky that he met someone who, presumably, gave him a sense of what it's like to be in a loving and secure relationship. But I would then emphasise that people do grow apart and he doesn't need any more reason than that. The fact that they lived together and he moved out for work suggests they've been growing apart for a little while.

Then focus on the practicalities of managing his diabetes. Show him that life goes on and that in the end, he may be better off for this break up.

I cried when DS and his gf split up - they are both really lovely people and both were so very upset by it.
But they just weren't quite right for each other - that's all it came down to. And other circumstances just exposed that a little bit.
They still speak occasionally and are on good terms and now both feel it was the right thing. Your son will get over it in time. And will one day meet the person he's meant to be with.

I suspect that in moving away, it's exposed some weakness in the relationship that wasn't previously apparent - it doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong or is to blame.

Counselling through work isn't a bad suggestion tbf - it may be he is offered something like this anyway as part of a health perk so might as well take it up. It's good to reflect on stuff with a neutral person (not your mum). Just because it's a rite of passage or a common situation doesn't make it any easier.

"he took up a great new job in London"

There's the reason they broke up. He was living in the ecxciting capital making more money new friends and no doubt telling her what a GREAT time heas having

Usually if a reason isn’t given it’s because they’ve met someone else - there’s no reason not to tell a reason unless it’s that.

Time is the best healer, wishing him all the best.

Aww bless him OP, nothing worse than watching your 'child' go through their first break up, it hurts your heart too!

He'll be absolutely fine, he's young and in London, when he gets his head around it he will find a new perspective. I don't think that you need a reason to finish a relationship, that said, I think it gives you closure of some description. Fair play to his ex gf, they are both young enough to move on quickly, no DC to consider.

Sometimes we muddle along thinking we're happy, then a bombshell, and we evaluate things and realise maybe it wasn't so.

Be there, but try to be impartial (which is difficult!) because you'll no doubt say the wrong thing!!

I wish him well OP

Please make sure he has found some good diabetic support through a GP in London. A family member with type 1 also thought he could “manage “ his diabetes and out fox it. He is now close to forty, has problems walking as his feet are in a bad way so amputation in the future is a distinct possibility, has major issues with his eyes, and has also had very painful gastric issues including an inability to digest food and rampant diarrhoea which his GP thinks are all probably linked to his earlier poor attitude to a disease which affects every cell in your body. He isn’t likely to make old bones.

He now has one of those monitoring implants linked to his phone and seems to take more notice of it than he ever did when relying on finger prick monitoring. Might be something to consider if he hasn’t got one already

The best thing you can do as a mum is to teach him how to practise excellent self-compassion and self-care when life knocks him. Life will knock him hard many times over the course of a life. Teach him to be extra kind to himself at these times, not neglectful and cruel. Maybe cook or send him some very healthy food or order him a month's trial of hello fresh or similar, to encourage him to look after his diet.

When DS's long term partner chucked him, I sent Youtube videos of animals doing ridiculously cute and daft things - not too many but a couple, just to make him smile (he does already love animals) - and I sent him some expensive tea and coffee and chocolate to treat himself with (and discourage drowning in alcohol) and lovely bath stuff.

I phoned often to encourage him to do stuff with friends, not just soul searching chats but diverting stuff like cinema and mini golf. We chatted about all the things he loved that his partner didn't and I encouraged him to indulge in all of them - go to gigs of music they hated, dinner with friends at a restaurant serving the kind of food they didn't like, a night out with mates they didn't get on with etc etc. This reinforces his sense of a positive and pleasurable self, separate from her. Doesn't kill the heartache immediately but helps.

16 is very young to meet your life partner. I know it can happen, but it's more likely that they'd grow apart.

This, definitely.

Any reason to end a relationship is a good enough reason. She doesn't need to give a 'good' or an 'honest' reason - who would decide whether or not the reason is good or honest??

The crux is, the relationship is no longer right for her. And therefore it's truly not right for him either. She's done exactly the right thing in ending it, however hard that is for him, and you, to accept.

This is life. They were young when they got together. The vast majority of very young relationships do not last a lifetime, and that's okay.

It's devastating for him and by extension that's heartbreaking for you. Of course it is. But it's life. It happens to us all.

He likely doesn't need counselling. He needs some time to heal.

I bet this will be the making of him, being in a relationship your entire adult life will be a huge change and of course he’s sad and upset, but he will move on and he will be happy again and he has the chance to be young, free and single. No wonder his girlfriend finished with him, she probably wants to enjoy young single life without pressure and thinking of others.

Relationships end, especially those that began when both parties were just 16. No doubt both have changed a lot since then and for her moving to London has opened her eyes to new opportunities and made her reconsider the relationship. Sometimes "I don't want to be in the relationship anymore" is the main reason and as shit as it is, that's all there is to it.

Of course your son is sad now. I think it's a bit too early to be thinking of counselling, the feelings he is having are completely normal and I don't think therapy is necessary unless he continues to struggle longer term.

However I think YABU to be angry with the girl. It's no help whatsoever to anyone and in a way none of your business. Speaking as someone who was "the girl" about a decade ago, the mother in that situation sent me death threats and threatened to report me to my work (for what, breaking up with someone?!) and honestly, looking back made a bit of a prat of herself.

Support your son emotionally but honestly making a song and dance of it won't help.

Relationships end all the time!! Maybe she didn't want to do long distance, maybe she found someone else!!

Jeesus stop being a mum and be a normal person with common sense.

So what his gf dumped him. It happens so just support him and get over it.

However I think YABU to be angry with the girl. It's no help whatsoever to anyone and in a way none of your business. Speaking as someone who was "the girl" about a decade ago, the mother in that situation sent me death threats and threatened to report me to my work (for what, breaking up with someone?!) and honestly, looking back made a bit of a prat of herself.

Support your son emotionally but honestly making a song and dance of it won't help.

Very important point. She is not a villain for ending the relationship.

I think it’s highly likely she’s either met someone else or has realised she’s enjoying her single life and the long distance relationship has become a bit of a drag and she wants to be free to meet new people and go on dates rather than have a boyfriend who isn’t always around when she wants to see him or do things. Perhaps it’s kinder she doesn’t tell your son that.

It’s a shame for your son that they’ve broken up but they’ve been together since they were kids and pretty much had a long distance relationship for a while now.
He needs time to grieve over it and then he needs to move on. This is actually a blessing as it might encourage him to go and experience other things.
As difficult as it is since she’s been part of your life for a while now, it’s not your place to need answers- I don’t mean this in a nasty way.
She may have given him answers and it’s not what he wants to hear. Just be there to support him and encourage him to hang out with friends, not just sit in and dwell over it.

Thanks for that. He has regd with GP there, will mske sure that he sees the diabetic nurse , and maybe gets a body stick on monitor.

Thanks, those are great suggestions that I think will def help.

I have a DS who is exactly the same age as yours and he and his GF just celebrated 6 years together yesterday. I wish they would break up. She is a lovely girl but I fear they will marry and eventually feel they have missed out on so much being tied to each other since they were so young.

Sure its really hard to breakup but with time,mates,food leisure he will be ok
Better be find out she has doubts before they have kids,flat and big commitments

Be there for for him maintain contact no platitudes and do denigrate the ex to him
regard health he’s an adult man he need to learn a routine maintain medication monitoring and a good lifestyle

I think you’re being a little harsh on her- people grow and change and things fizzle. They are so young there doesn’t need to be a particular reason other than she decided that she no longer feels as she did. It’s sad for your son though but he will get past it. Just be there x

Why are you annoyed ? Surely it's up to her

All you can do is be there for him if/when he is ready to talk. It is very sad, even though they were both young, partners do become part of the family too. It happened before children came on the scene and he has his whole life ahead of him. Questioning why she finished things holds no real purpose. There is a vast difference between one's attitude to life at 16 than there is at 22, and so on. He will recover eventually and knowing you are there for him makes things a little easier I am sure.

As a parent you know your child in that capacity,conversely the ex knows what he’s like as a partner. A parent will never truly know or understand what their child is like As an adult partner . There are enough deluded & devoted parents who think their child is a great partner, fabulous catch and any woman should be glad to him him, you don’t need to join their numbers

OP you've clearly adjusted to what people are saying - it's harsh when you've grown up with someone as a gf/bf for six years from so young and it doesn't get much easier at any age with so much time invested. In your place I'd make sure he'd got his T1 diabetes under control including a monitor which alerts him (and a friend?) when he's dropping since a pressure job in London and recovering from a break up isn't a great combination.

I have an 18 year old with a lovely gf he has been seeing for 2 years now. They are at unis in the same city and joined a the hip. I foresee them sticking together through 4-5 years of uni. The pair of them are absolutely besotted with each other, he is a big softy and I suspect he (or she) will be in a similar situation in the future after uni.

I think it would healthier to develop and learn what type of relationship/person they are best suited to by having a few different types of relationships with different types of people. They also see each other a lot which is infringing slightly on them socialising independently and learning more about themselves. But, they are adults so their choice.

OP hopefully your ds will, eventually, see this as an opportunity to meet someone new and exciting. He just needs to let it sink in for now.