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Original poster

Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

757 replies

turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:02

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:03

Just to add, previous visits were like this too (except DH used to drive her) but I thought things would have at least started to improve by now but they’re actually getting worse.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2023 10:06

Cancel March, doesn’t sound like any of you got much from the recent visit. You were trying to be kind and supportive and look what you got back for it. It’s really unfair on you and your DC to do it again.

She must be heartbroken but if she won’t try and get some proper support there’s nothing you can do.

RudsyFarmer · 29/01/2023 10:08

I think sadly the answer is time. Are there any local bereavement groups she could join? Sometimes there are widow groups where women can get together once a week and support each other.

DoorstoManual · 29/01/2023 10:09

How long does the train take. .?

Movinghouseatlast · 29/01/2023 10:10

Turn it around and imagine it's you in her situation. Imagine one of your children who you have brought up telling you to get on a train when they have always picked you up. Imagine being grief stricken and needing support. If you can truly put yourself in someone else's shoes then you are better able to talk to them about issues and make compromises with them

She isn't gping to be over the death of her husband in 18 months.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 10:10

It’s very sad that DHs mother is such a difficult person. Was she like this before FIL died? Still grieving and wanting to talk about FIL is not unreasonable, but the selfishness, rudeness and sulking is something else. And I’m assuming she’s only in her 60s?

In all honesty, I’m with you. No more, or much shorter visits, or you go there and stay nearby and just pop in/ask her out with you.

DoorstoManual · 29/01/2023 10:10

Point being it might be adding to her sense of isolation, here I am without a DH, no friends to go on trips with……

Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:10

DoorstoManual · 29/01/2023 10:09

How long does the train take. .?

Two hours

OP posts:
Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:11

RudsyFarmer · 29/01/2023 10:08

I think sadly the answer is time. Are there any local bereavement groups she could join? Sometimes there are widow groups where women can get together once a week and support each other.

Yes, but she won’t go.

OP posts:
DoorstoManual · 29/01/2023 10:12

That is not too long, sadly time is all that will work, does your DH have siblings to share the load with.

DoorstoManual · 29/01/2023 10:14

I would let her cry and vent and say nothing, then look at her and say well we are all out of ideas, do you have any ?

Thesaucysalad · 29/01/2023 10:14

You’re not a bad person or anything close for this.

I think DH should have a serious no holding back chat with her and explain how it isn’t good for her to not receive help and how she is making other people feel. He needs to strongly encourage her again to see a therapist or doctor. He could research good bereavement counsellors beforehand and present her with a list with numbers. It might make taking that first step easier.

I wouldn’t abandon her, but tell her how she’s making everyone feel. Kind but firm. If she’s being rude to DH, he needs say something at the time. Kind but firm. Set his boundaries. Give her more time with stronger feedback on how she is affecting other people. Then if she doesn’t change, cut down contact as appropriate.

Natty13 · 29/01/2023 10:15

Movinghouseatlast · 29/01/2023 10:10

Turn it around and imagine it's you in her situation. Imagine one of your children who you have brought up telling you to get on a train when they have always picked you up. Imagine being grief stricken and needing support. If you can truly put yourself in someone else's shoes then you are better able to talk to them about issues and make compromises with them

She isn't gping to be over the death of her husband in 18 months.

That's the thing though, if I put myself in someone else's shoes and wouldn't dream of being so rude then what? It actually makes me feel worse towards them.

Turn it round...look at one of your children and imagine sulking and refusing to speak to them for 24h sfter going to stay at their house? I can't imagine myself ever being that spiteful or sulky.

I'm not the OP but have been in similar with my exMIL and you cant help comparing to my own mother who would walk to the end of the earth to see one of her kids without a word. She's my rock and I try to model myself on the kind of mother she had growing up...therefore I would never dream to refuse to speak to my own child.

ArtixLynx · 29/01/2023 10:15

while not as bad, my mom still cries over my dad, he's been gone 9 years this year.

She isn't going to be over it in 18mo, and its not fair of you to expect her to stop grieving on your timeline just because you're fed up of her being sad.

Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:18

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/01/2023 10:10

It’s very sad that DHs mother is such a difficult person. Was she like this before FIL died? Still grieving and wanting to talk about FIL is not unreasonable, but the selfishness, rudeness and sulking is something else. And I’m assuming she’s only in her 60s?

In all honesty, I’m with you. No more, or much shorter visits, or you go there and stay nearby and just pop in/ask her out with you.

She was a little bit like this, yes. I think part of the reason she doesn’t have many friends is because she is quite quick to cut people off (not in a particularly nasty way, but she had quite a low tolerance for behaviour she didn’t like and so would let friendships drift). She has also fallen out with all of FIL’s family, although I’m sure there are two sides to that story.

However - she is much, much worse now than she used to be. She used to also be kind, supportive and selfless at times as well.

OP posts:
SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun · 29/01/2023 10:18

Could DH go and stay with her next time? A bit more 1:1 and no travelling for her.

silverclock222 · 29/01/2023 10:19

Oh that's so sad. I think she need a lot more kindness, love and understanding ie go and get her - not get train, talk about FIL with her, plant something nice in his memory.

DonnaBanana · 29/01/2023 10:21

she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration)

I’d call this.. Sundays 😅. I don’t think it’s that bad if you’re taking a break away and you’re old. She doesn’t sound like an entertaining guest but she isn’t meant to be, she was just having a break away from the monotony of home. Maybe there’s somewhere better she could do that (with your DH maybe) if it got you down.

Fleur405 · 29/01/2023 10:23

I had a sudden bereavement. At times I was a bit rude to people who were trying to “cheer me up” when I made of pretty clear I wasn’t ready. I realise they were trying to help but I didn’t want or need to “cheer up” on their timescale. People are allowed to be sad when they are grieving.

Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:26

SerenadeOfTheSchoolRun · 29/01/2023 10:18

Could DH go and stay with her next time? A bit more 1:1 and no travelling for her.

I think that’s going to have to be the solution. The problem is, he doesn’t particularly want to 😬 She’s even worse when it is just him I think.

She doesn’t seem to understand that it is hard for him too. Maybe losing your father is not as bad as losing your spouse but it has still been awful for him. She just wants to talk about FIL’s last few days over and over and over again and if there is something she could have done differently and DH hates having to listen to it and finds it quite traumatic to keep going over it.

OP posts:
Identifyingasadolphin · 29/01/2023 10:26

I was your MIL
She will be likely finding this second year way worse than the first year, the reality will now be hitting for her (if that helps you understand)
Taking the train is absolutely fine
If she is online, point her in the direction of WAYUP - an online support group - where she can chat to people and read about how others deal with things - then also meet locally for coffee with people in the area she lives….expanding her network

Mysmallgarden · 29/01/2023 10:27

It sounds as if you are the only family she has. Why wouldn't you want to support her when she's grieving?
It might be a pain having her around, but you need to show some compassion. She can't stop grieving just because you're fed up with her being sad.

Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:32

Fleur405 · 29/01/2023 10:23

I had a sudden bereavement. At times I was a bit rude to people who were trying to “cheer me up” when I made of pretty clear I wasn’t ready. I realise they were trying to help but I didn’t want or need to “cheer up” on their timescale. People are allowed to be sad when they are grieving.

Where do you draw the line though? Is it acceptable to give your own son (who is also grieving) the silent treatment for 24 hours because you’re bereaved?

If she chooses not to accept help and to sit at home and cry then I think it’s very sad but it’s her choice.

OP posts:
swanling · 29/01/2023 10:32

She isn't going to be over it in 18mo, and its not fair of you to expect her to stop grieving on your timeline just because you're fed up of her being sad.

Yup. It's the height of selfishness to expect other people's grief to expire for your convenience. It doesn't work like that. Even if she had therapy that would be to support her not to vanish her grief.

As for the "putting yourself in her shoes then resenting her more because you wouldn't behave like that" - garbage.

You have never been in her position, your husband is alive, you are not equipped to even imagine how it feels in her shoes, you don't know you wouldn't be the same.

Original poster
turquoisepenguin · 29/01/2023 10:33

Identifyingasadolphin · 29/01/2023 10:26

I was your MIL
She will be likely finding this second year way worse than the first year, the reality will now be hitting for her (if that helps you understand)
Taking the train is absolutely fine
If she is online, point her in the direction of WAYUP - an online support group - where she can chat to people and read about how others deal with things - then also meet locally for coffee with people in the area she lives….expanding her network

Yes, I have read about the second year being harder than the first. It does make sense. I also have some experience of this type of bereavement as my sister lost her husband around five years ago.

She won’t access any online support unfortunately. She says it’s not her thing.

OP posts:
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