Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

I totally get where you’re coming from, it does sound like it’s to do with her personality as well as her bereavement and when you’ve got young kids it’s really hard to take on someone else’s stuff as well. Re the train thing though, did FIL used to drive her everywhere? If so, I can see why it would feel really depressing and lonely in her position to have to start getting the train (which is usually a grim experience in this country as it is). Especially on the way home, to an empty house. I’d want DH to drive her tbh (but I would also expect her visits to be planned so that he didn’t have to take AL to do so, that’s not reasonable when he has children).

I sympathise. My mother has been like this since my father died 35 years ago. She has lost friends over it, and it is partly the reason our relationship is so poor. Like your MIL she would do little to help herself, seemingly preferring to wallow, the irony being she was contemplating divorce when my father died. I have never been allowed to grieve, she sincerely believes as I was a child I was unaffected, and she'd be offended if I said I'd had a traumatic childhood as a result of his death. A friend of hers was widowed at around the same time and I always thought of her as having her own identity whilst my mother has been a Widow ever since.

Look up complicated grief, but them put your DH and your immediate family first. You shouldn't have to suffer because of your MIL.

We were in a similar position years ago. MIL did get the train for a much longer journey. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. MIL was horrible to DH, she took it out on him alot, completely disregarded his grief and had no empathy for anyone else. I'm really sorry but it was like this for years. The visits were difficult and it was hard supporting DH through his grief and then coping with his mums too. Things changed very slowly, and now there is a really good relationship all round and the visits are nice. It was very hard and took a huge amount of patience. I found it difficult to remember how awful it was for her when she had no thought at all for DH but things are very different now. I did make it clear that at no point would the nastiness be tolerated in front of the children as she did say horrible things to us. She was angry for a long time and expressed that towards us, I guess because we would always forgive it even though it was awful. We both just held onto hoping that time would make things easier and it has.

Totally agree with SausageInCider.

I think you are being very unkind OP. Your MIL is grieving. She is showing you by her behaviour that she is in deep pain. Offloading her to counsellors or groups is not the answer. I think you need to try to behave with more compassion towards her.

Have you posted about her before, there was a similar thread a few months ago. Assuming she is in her 60s a 2 hour journey should not be a problem and this is something she should be trying to do.

Yes she will still be grieving but so is your DH. She needs to start thinking about how she needs to live her new way of life. Baby steps but some steps need to be taken

I can't see anything wrong with a six hour round trip to go and pick her up every now and again. It shows love and concern from the only people she has in her life. Go early, spend most of the day there and have a rest, drive back. I used to do this for my beloved aunt, who was like a second mum to me after my parents died.
Your thread title is the giveaway here. You don't actually want her. Very sad.

When you say she refused to go out, where were you planning to go? When did your DH ask her to get the train, was it a last minute change?

I think the thing is when your life has suddenly changed so dramatically and is now unrecognisable, you feel very lost and scared. She needs certainty and yes, sounds silly, but probably finds it hard to get a train alone after doing everything with your FIL for however many years. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t do it but just it needs to be made clear that’s the plan before she agrees to the visit.

Maybe try another visit but with a clear structure. Do you want to get the train down on these dates so we can do this? She may say no at first but eventually she will come around.

And yes other posters are right, she needs to speak to other widows, they’re the only people that truly understand this kind of loss.

My Dad died 18 months ago and my Mum is left on her own with my Dad being her world. My Mum would have been like this and was for a while, but we have bit by bit been sensitive and brought her back out of her shell and was able to show her that she can still do nice things.

18 months is early days, comments like "she made all the conversation about FIL"....I'm a bit shocked that you can't see she is grieving and wants to talk about him. We talk about my Dad all the time, he comes up in a lot of conversations. It keeps him relevant instead of anyone thinking he has been forgotten about.

She shouldn't stay with you again as you don't sound understanding of what she's going through.

Time is the only healer here. 18 months is like 5 minutes. She will likely never be the person she was before, but bit by bit she will find herself again. She will want to talk about him a lot, does she have anyone else to talk to? I am in a similar situation when I am the only one there for my Mum, its not easy when I am grieving myself, but I understand how much worse her loss is and she's coming through the other side now. Patience is key.

DoorstoManual · Today 10:14

I would let her cry and vent and say nothing, then look at her and say well we are all out of ideas, do you have any ?

You’d have to be a really awful person to do this to someone struggling with bereavement

There are some really awful people on here sadly, who clearly have no idea of what bereavement can do to a person, and have obviously never lost anyone themselves.
Your posts are all about you, op, so yeah, go ahead, shut the door, leave your mil to her grief, that way your life won't be impacted at all, will it?
We're only in January and you're whining about how awful a visit in March will be...yeah, that's pretty heartless... YABVU

It's odd though that your DH decided the round trip was suddenly too much for him at the point when she'd have appreciated it most ie when she's grieving and has lost the only other person close to her. She needs more reassurance about being part of your family and your DH gave her less.
Everything you have said about her sounds like grief - she's quiet, sad, wants to talk about her DH and his last days. She expects you and your DH to understand as you're family.
I think cancelling the visit would be harsh. Your DH has you to support him with his grief every day. He just needs to centre his mother's grief for the few days she is with you. It's about making her feel she still has people that care about her, giving her the opportunity to talk about FIL. You can steer those conversations to happier times. Look at photos. Discuss if she wants a memorial or to start an anniversary tradition. Follow her lead on where she is in her grieving.

Don't be silly. Professional therapy isn’t at all “off loading”. That’s like saying the OP should do the operation if MIL’s appendix bursts.

In terms of making all the conversation about FIL, what I mean is that if one of the kids does a nice drawing, rather than saying how good it is she will start crying because it makes her sad that FIL is no longer around to see it. Or when it came up that someone we know died of cancer, rather than saying how sad it was she said that she thinks that’s a better way to go than FIL’s death because at least it wasn’t such a shock.

I don’t just meant mentioning him frequently which is obviously completely normal and something DH does anyway.

Did you also know that anxiety and seeming unreasonable are 2 major parts of grieving?

No he did it for over a year after FIL died. Before that, FIL did all the driving.

No she doesn’t really have anyone else to talk to. As above, she won’t go to any groups, counselling etc. She does have a couple of close friends but I don’t believe she speaks to them the way she talks to DH although I don’t know for sure. I don’t think they would put up with it.

@turquoisepenguin A lot people are suggesting you’re being unreasonable and it’s too soon. No matter how depressed/bereft you are rudeness is not acceptable. A two hour train ride is fine and it’s v entitled to expect your partner to do a six hour car ride.
its fine for her to grieve, but grieve, be rude to those around her.. refuse to take accountability and get any help.. nope! In my experience most people are capable of having a few days making the best of it and not crying constantly after 18 months. I don’t think YABU. You partner needs to be have a firm but diplomatic chat.

My Mum also wouldn't/won't speak to anyone else. She knows people who had counselling who ended up a lot worse and having a full on breakdown, but she is coming out the other side now and we are just getting to the 2 year anniversary.

That implies you think she isn't grieving after a year. She is. She still needs reassurance from the only family she has left.
Perhaps you need to read about Circles of Support and about losing a partner. Your responses show a lack of understanding about both.

I know this. I also know the personal responsibility and being in self are major parts of being content.

There’s absolutely nothing the OP can do that will make MIL ultimately happier. If they collect her, something else will be the focus etc. Unless/until MIL takes responsibility herself, she will remain this sad.

No he’s been talking about her getting the train for about six months, she said she would do it last month but was too nervous so he agreed to pick her up (and called in sick to do so because it was last minute!!)

This time she said she would get the train and DH actually met her part of the way so that they could do the last bit together.

I completely agree she needs to speak to other widows but I don’t know how she will come round to that.

I think one thing that needs to be worked on is communication. She is lonely. It hasn’t worked for any of you her coming to stay. Maybe it’s little steps dh should go to her. Just for a couple of nights. He needs to let her talk even if it about her husband. Maybe she needs to talk. She needs to stop holding it against him. The train thing clearly bothers her as she is used to being driven. Maybe to her it is another change? Does she have family near where she lives. It’s a big step but would moving nearer to you help at all? Then you could see her more regularly but in small doses? It might work better for everyone?

It's been 18 months.......

She is suffering from a bereavement reaction and depression. The fact that some other widows on this thread coped better is irrelevant. She hasn't chosen to be like this and she can't just snap out of it. She is experiencing a mental illness. People with depression frequently turn down help, because the depression makes them believe that they won't and can't get better.

Even if she joined an external support group, she would still look to you and your DH for support because you are the only people who share some of the experiences, memories and loss of FIL.