Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

Irrelevant to the point I’m making.

Would it be easier if you went up to her and stayed nearby? So you can find a happy balance and have somewhere to escape to

I think it would be a great solution to be honest but she’d be very annoyed. She lives in a detached four bed house so it would look very pointed!

You sound like you have been kind and supportive and that the problem is more that she is a prickly and difficult person than that she is a widow.

Can your husband try visiting her in March, to see how that works - he can see how she is managing at home, do any bits of DIY etc, and she won't have the option of not talking to him.

Is there any sort of charity work she'd get involved with, to get her out of herself a bit?

I really feel for you, it's a very difficult situation.

Just to answer a question that has come up a couple of times, no she wouldn’t consider moving to be near us. She has said that outright, without us suggesting it, as she says she doesn’t like where we live!

Her current house is not really suitable for her (too big) but she won’t even think about downsizing, so moving to a new area would be completely out of the question.

@SausageInCider

One persons pragmatism is another persons awfulness, I am a very pragmatic person but believe it or not it is possible to balance it with kindness, my DM was exactly the same until she reduced my sister to tears over lunch, my sister said you have four children and we are also hurting, so we as group resolved to listen and then ask her what she wanted to do.

Like I said pragmatic not harsh.

Kind of isn't irrelevant. You are suggesting MIL needs to take responsibility and be content....its only been 18 months since she's had a MAJOR trauma in her life. She won't know her own name most days. I agree that patience is key here.

Jeepers I hope you’re not my daughter in law. I’m thinking Cold fish.

I’d stop worrying about it , invite her to stay on weeks when you can get out and about so she either joins in or wallows home alone . Unfortunately you seem to have my MIL , except FIL died about 10 yrs ago and aside from not crying constantly she is still as bad .

You do need to set boundaries. The train thing will have to be overcome or she’ll just not have to see you so often.

Totally agree. Mil was lovely before and after fil died. It's definitely a personality flaw.

64 is still pretty young. My dh is in his 60s and very active. She should be getting the train it's not far. She sounds very self centered.

And yet, most bereaved people don't behave like this. It is not OK to treat your nearest and dearest like your emotional punching bag however devastated you feel and especially your own son in his own home.

@DeadTing I know people who’ve lost children or lost people in the most horrendous circumstances who are still polite and grateful. After 18 months an adult should have enough emotional maturity/regulation to be decent for a few days and make the best of it. Jeez, there are so many widows out there with no family at all.

Maybe she wants to be collected so that she can have time on her own with her son.

Would you be so rude and selfish as Op's MIL?

It depends on the grief and distress. Is it rude and selfish? Or is it grief and sadness? Love has to span all of this.

I don’t see anything wrong with her getting the train, especially if it’s quicker than driving and it’ll do her good to get some independence and realise she can do these things. A 6 hour round trip is exhausting and expensive. If she won’t take any responsibility for herself then I wouldn’t want to be around her much either. It’s exhausting trying to prop up anyone who is suffering mentally but won’t do anything to help themselves.

MIL saying in general that she doesn't like your area is completely different from you inviting her to move closer because she is on her own and you want to support her.
But I think the underlying issue is that you don't want her to move closer or to spend time with her. It sounds as though your ideal situation is very short occasional visits where she pretends she is happy so there are no emotional or practical demands on your family.

A two hour train journey is nothing. I do more than that regularly to see my adult DC.

Honestly OP, I think DH should go and visit her on alternate visits. That way she can’t really guilt him about the travelling, and you and the DC aren’t exposed to so much unpleasant behaviour. If he chooses not to, that’s down to him.

Keep encouraging her to get appropriate support. Not sure what else you can do really?

I’m not saying the poor woman needs to be content now, but that she won’t ever be content if she solely relies on others to make her happy.

If my DH were rude to his mother would that be ok, since he’s grieving the death of his father? If he decided he just wasn’t going to speak to her for 24 hours after she’d suggested he come to visit her, is that acceptable?

She literally said “I could never live here, it’s really not for me at all”

I don't think it's reasonable to make her take the train. Your husband can do a split journey and stay over if it's too much.
Also, how about having him go to stay with her for a bit, instead of her coming?

Sudden bereavement is tough.

But I don't think that it's right for a widow to expect that a son must step in and do all the things that a husband did. If you are bereaved and may have a couple of decades - or more - ahead, then the painful reality is that you have to learn to do things on you own and/or reconnect with others.

It doesn't sound as if your mother in law has even begun to face this.

This is tough for your husband. But in your shoes, if your attempts to offer support and hospitality have been rejected in this way, I'd want to focus on my own children - and aim for fairly low contact eg keeping in touch enough so that you'd be aware of any more serious decline in her mental and physical health.

My mum was in the same boat. My dad dropped dead completely unexpectedly when they were both 62 (they met as 19 year olds at university). Mum was given some advice by HER own dad when HE was widowed, "say yes to everything, even when you don't feel like it." She followed it, and went on all sorts of weird and wonderful outings with kind and well-meaning people. It really helped her.

She's 67 now, and seemingly thriving. Always seems to be out doing something, having made a real effort to make friends and push out of her comfort zone.
She says you just have to try and get on with your life. Dad wouldn't have wanted her to mope for the rest of her days.

But in the case of your MIL, you can't really do much to help, especially from a distance. And presumably your DH is still dealing with his own grief over the loss of his dad, which adds a layer of complexity.