Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

Actually quite a few are saying exactly that. Moving on, moving forward and the suggestion that at 18 months she should be further along all come up quite frequently.

Nope @pam290358, not a single person has said that.

I didn't mean literally nobody. I was responding to your rather aggressive assertion of "so what you're saying"...

So what you’re saying is that the OP’s mother in law should be moving on with her grief after 18 months, but you’re having a go at the previous poster for remarrying six years after losing their husband

That is not what that poster is saying at all. She can't be held responsible for what anyone else said in this massive long thread. It is hard to read and glean all the responses and their intentions as you have to pick your way through close to 100 posts by that one poster referenced alone, so I'm sure some have said that.

Yes, they have and you don’t have to read very far back in the thread to find a couple of examples of it. This has obviously been a very contentious thread and I can see why a number of people have left it. Think I’ll join ‘em.

And yet none of those people are actually helping the OP. They're just squabbling over what grief was like for them and not answering the OP at all

This bit of a post from @HeadNorth sums it up.

I think the issue with this thread is that we all experience bereavement - it is a universal human experience. Some posters have decided their personal experience makes them particularly expert on the subject, free to opine at length and patronise all those who disagree. This is not helpful or constructive.

I’m disappointed to read so many judgemental, unsupportive and even quite rude messages.
Luckily they’re not all like that and some can actually see what the OP is actually saying and are trying to answer her question.
shouldn’t it be obvious that our grown up children need to focus their lives on their own growing families and livelihoods (just as we had to when we were parents of young children?)
As parents we are delighted (usually, maybe not quite so much in this case) to have the support of our adult children if life becomes tough. But are we all, as individuals, meant to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives.
This MIL doesn’t appear to have any network of friends of her own but surely that is her choice? As is her refusal to try to create one by attending classes/social functions/ U3A or whatever would bring her back into contact with the world of people.
I think her behaviour is not only rude and self indulgent, but very narcissistic.
To expect her son and his family to drop everything, bring her to their home so can ignore them and upset their children means what exactly? She’s clearly not enjoying the visits so is it all about power? Kicking up a fuss about hopping on a train in your early 60s ridiculous and I’d she thinks so little of her son and his family that she can’t be bothered, they should stop inviting her and let her lead her own life. Being manipulated and guilt tripped helps nobody so my advice would be:
let her visit if she’s willing to get the train, invite her to join in whatever you’re doing (park etc) but let her watch TV in the day if that’s what she wants. Don’t pander to her any more than you would any other house guest. If she likes to be around the noise of everyday family life, that means she’s enjoying the visit.
If not, there’s not much point in extending offers of visits.
Your husband can phone her weekly to let her express her feelings etc but there’s no need for her to come to visit until she feels more sociable and asks if she can come.

I am in the same position as your MIL but a little older. Of course she is still grieving and will have spells of feeling tearful and angry. However I think she’s being very selfish and inconsiderate. She sounds very self centred and unconcerned about how she’s affecting anyone else, particularly the children. Is she actually frightened of catching the train? Does she need to change trains on the way? Could someone do it with her a couple of times to help her get used to it? I would be very clear with her about what you can do and can’t do e.g. you’re very welcome to visit but we can’t pick you up. If she wants to stay in watching TV just go anyway and leave her. I have found the second year difficult because it becomes clear that this is the new reality but I am surprised at the number of people who think that being distressed is an excuse to disregard other people’s feelings. She could have another 25 years of life and needs to make the best of it. If she won’t try you can’t fix it for her. Just be clear what you can and can’t do to help. She needs to take some responsibility for herself.