How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

OP, I was the child in a household like this and saw one parent withdraw, grump and make everyone walk on eggshells and the other parent try endless to be chirpy and happy. What I learned was that it’s okay to accept a crappy person in your life and it’s okay to pretend to be happy when you’re dying inside from the manipulation of someone who is never help accountable for their behaviour. I married someone just like this and spent years trying to help them.

You have tried and he has not. My advice is not given lightly but for your kids sake, leave him and go find happiness in this little short life.

Victim blaming? An idiot bringing a 3rd child into a miserable life! Why fuck up 3 childrens' lives? 2 is bad enough

Agree. My DH was diagnosed with bipolar some years ago after reaching crisis point. The symptoms sound similar and it concerns me that the OP has said things have been much worse the last three months, because if it’s undiagnosed bipolar, this indicates he’s on the way to crisis point. My DH’s condition was only diagnosed after he reached this point and it was awful at the time, but with proper medication and CBT things are so much better.

The OP sounds at the end of her tether, as I was, but with bipolar disorder you have to remember that although the behaviour presents as abusive and it’s really hard to take, it’s not personal - the sufferer can’t control it. She says she’s tried to support him to get counselling but if this is a MH condition like bipolar, it needs medication first to control the symptoms. I can’t find anything in the OP’s posts to say that they have consulted their GP, but I think if she is prepared to give supporting him one more go, this might be the starting point to investigate bipolar rather than ASD and if it is, see whether things improve with proper treatment.

@Catsarelovely completely agree asd is no excuse for bad behaviour. However if he is undiagnosed and no support it may cause him to behave badly, particularly as a man… they tend not to mask so well and have more overt symptoms.

My DH and DS were so difficult over the last few years lots of meltdowns and shutdowns. It’s been really hard. I’ve had some really extreme reactions to unexpected change, anxiety off the map, but I feel I’m only starting to process everything now that some sort of normal is returning. I’ve found transitions really hard over the last year, especially for big things like Christmas when it’s the first year we can properly socialise again and all the increased demands….

To be honest living in a house with two screaming overwhelming toddlers, a baby on the way and working full time - in the house - would have me personally on the edge of a break down after the stress of the last few years.

Which is what gave me some empathy for OP’s husband - IF he is indeed undiagnosed, unsupported, without the necessary help at home to help him (and the family) cope.

Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree but the living conditions described just made me feel physically uncomfortable and I was only reading about it! Have you found your autism was adversely affected by the pandemic?

It doesn't matter how sure you are that OP should decide to stay with an abuser & allow him to dictate what he defines as make things work. By the time somebody has already spent several years repeatedly doing exactly the same things you suggest, (bar the letter, which is a bad idea for too many reasons to waste time on) don't you think it's bloody obvious that trying them again is only going to produce exactly the same result as it always does?

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you haven't read OP's updates, so let me clue you in - all the result she gets, at best, is a week's 'remission', then back to his standard abuse.

Please take this on board OP.

The damage done long term in this area environment is horrible and potentially sets them up for an adulthood of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

It doesn't make any difference what he's suffering with when he's refusing to address it or access help. The effect on OP & the kids is the same whatever the cause.

I had one like this and eventually left him 3 years ago after 20 years together and when our children were 5 and 8. Mine used to get angry with his moods and often they came out of nowhere. It would make me incredibly sad for an hour or so then I would want to rally his spirits and make sure we had a nice rest of the day. It was exhausting and I felt I was walking on egg shells. Eventually he was angry that one too many times and my mood plunged and instead of coming back up after an hour or so stayed low for a whole year. At the end of that year we had a big blow up, he physically hurt me and I called time on it. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge after 20 years of putting up with it was the children. I didn’t want them growing up walking on egg shells. I saw him get angry with them too and I didn’t want them to think it was normal to have this potentially angry man scaring both then and their mother. It hasn’t been easy because other than this angry streak we had a lovely life together and I enjoyed his company. But it’s no way to live so I left. I am very grateful not to be living with that fear although he is of course still in our lives and now he a ‘valid reason’ to be angry because I left him. So he doesn’t always make things easy.

No I’m not contradicting myself at all
it is possible to be depressed and abusive so I’m saying it’s possible he could be both. What I am also saying is - based on what the OP has written - that the behaviours he’s exhibiting currently are not depressive but abusive. So in order to depression to be diagnosed - and not by you - he would need to seek appropriate professional help.

The reason I wrote that you needed a dictionary is because you don’t seem to be able to distinguish sulking from depression. They are poles apart.

Pointing the above out doesn’t make me “uptight” incidentally. It might be said to make me observant though…….

OP,

This is abuse.

He IS abusing you and your children.

He is highly abusive.

Stop trying to fix him.

You desperately need to look after your mental health.

Have you family and friends to help?

He needs to leave the house.

Tell your GP and HV the truth.

Ring Women's aid for support.

You are so vulnerable and cannot be trapped in a house with an abusive man for your mat leave.

You cannot fix him.

Please take it very seriously.

You have to protect yourself.

Reported ... bore off

Be honest funnyface - have you RTFT?

If the MH condition is undiagnosed bipolar disorder, none of what you’ve suggested will help. It will only push him to crisis point and possibly he could hurt the OP as a result. Therapy as a first step is useless for bipolar, it needs a proper diagnosis - which includes diagnosing any personality disorder that goes along with it - and proper medication to control the symptoms. The symptoms the OP has described are very similar to how my DH was behaving before his diagnosis, and if this is bipolar, the first thing to understand is that however abusive the behaviour seems, it isn’t personal and the sufferer can’t control it. That is in no way suggesting that the OP should continue to accept it, if her DH refuses to seek help. If my DH had refused help, it would have been impossible to stay, as much as I love him.

You seem to like soft targets
I’d also suggest you equip yourself with some actually knowledge of the complexities of relationships where abuse like this exists as well as the interface between abuse and pregnancies in that it is ramped up.
trust me, it’s not as easy as being clever enough to avoid getting up the duff with one of these fuckers again as they’re wrecking your life.

This is such brilliant & constructive advice it's well worth repeating.

Take heed OP. All your kindness has given you is more unkindness back. It's time to stop pandering, & start erecting a protective shield around yourself. Temporarily, the PP advice c/o her therapist to model "not caring" to yourself, coupled with the techniques above, should create enough shielding for you to at least be able to breathe a little easier, & plan your next move.

Yeah, you don't even know you're still doing it do you?

I'm sorry (genuinely) about your ignorance, & simultaneously happy for you.

You still haven't answered the question of why you lied, but feel free to let it slide, OP doesn't need to know & I've already got a pretty sound notion about what motivated that pass-agg "sorry".

I think sit down to ascertain what is making him miserable and what you can put in place to change. Maybe a new job, career, move to sunnier climes. (Friend sold everything, put dc in the car and went touring Europe to find a different lifestyle and it was the best thing she has ever done)
Encourage him to see a doctor.

Or has he always been a bit like this. Has it just grown worse as the years have passed.

In which case still encourage him to see a doctor but fundamentally there isn’t anything you can do and it will just get worse.

I know someone similar who was always a bit of a misery growing up and complained about everything he had to do.
His mum really was in despair as he took to his room and got more and more depressed.
Diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed even just the initial lower dose was like night and day
He still didn’t really want to do certain things but he did do them but now didn’t complain and he laughed more and actually wanted to go out.

You seem to like soft targets

Well said @Whiskeypowers
That, plus every sentence you've posted on the thread, frankly.

I explained my post earlier if you RTFT 🙄

@KettrickenSmiled Er, unfortunately not the meaning of my username. I can’t leave a complex situation because I have a terminal diagnosis, and I was told I had roughly five years left in December 2021. I don’t think I’m going to make it to five years anyway; the pain’s getting worse and fortunately, we have assisted suicide here so I don’t have to hang on until the bitter end. But this is why genuinely my advice to people like OP is to do whatever you can to embrace a life worth living, whatever that looks like for you, and not to spend it with people who hurt you, regardless of their reason or justification, because I’m not able to do either of those things, and I regret it fucking endlessly.

OP - I was in a relationship like this for almost three years like this. It almost broke me. It also turned quite nasty towards the end (very abusive) so please be careful.

It's been almost 4-5 months now since I split with ex and I honestly, couldn't be happier.

So sorry to read this. ❤

OP, how pregnant are you at this stage. Sorry to play devil’s advocate, but do you want to continue with a pregnancy with this man? It sounds like you’re going to be going it alone as it is.

My comment doesn’t mention anything about him being abusive as I chose to focus on other comments that were aimed at the OP being pregnant, advising her to leave and I mentioned he could be unwell and need support (it sounds like we agree in that situation he would need professional support). At the time of my comment the OP hadn’t said anything about attending counselling previously or his other behaviours. That’s your misunderstanding from reading my comments, I’m aware of the difference I felt it was harsh for people to jump on this woman about leaving her husband, a man she chose to spend her life with and share children with all because of her initial comment saying he’s sulky and I decided to respond in a slightly different direction that apparently gets people at my throat….wow the wonders of mums net

Just build a life, which would be complete with or without him.
Your hobbies, your sanity etc.
If he's a miserable git, more children will not make the situation better.