How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

YABU for getting pregnant again when your marriage is so shit. I despair.

yes, the moodier he is, the less likely you are to ask him to do his share. So he gets to sit there watching you with a moody exhausted face.

Sorry if you're past this point, but are you certain about the pregnancy?

Can you kick him out for a week, tell him you can’t tolerate this any more and you need a break from him. And tell him if he doesn’t sort himself out you will soon be gone for good. If that doesn’t get his attention and get him to pull himself together, divorce him. You don’t deserve to live with this misery.

I think a trial separation would be a good idea. It would give you some breathing space and him a reality check. It might also make him attempt to be a better parent.

You do not have to justify your pregnancy OP. The posters here denigrating it can fuck right off, the nosy, overbearing mares.

Of course there isn’t, because you say there isn’t.
No it really hasn’t fucked me off; there’s your know it all attitude again!
Your last message said as much 😂 “ I don’t believe any of the things he does are symptomatic of depression but borne out of a desire to inflict abusive behaviour on the OP. Furthermore based on the fact he’s had counselling that would compound this.”

I have defended my original comment time and time again quite easily in fact but of course you know it all and you’ll disagree because what do I know about my own opinion. That’s the difference, what I’m saying is an opinion, you come across as though you think what you are saying is fact. My original comment was just a gentle curious suggestion yet someone like you took it upon yourself to use it as an attempt to criticise and be little me because what I said didn’t match what you said.

He sounds depressed. You need to have a serious talk before your next child arrives, if possible get some child care and have the talk away from the house.
Explain how hard it is when he's permanently miserable and he needs to do something to change the situation and see his gp and maybe try increasing his exercise.
Having young children is exhausting but having a partner who makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells is probably just as bad!

@CrystalCoco Your time will come

OP Having lived with someone like this for many years I can only tell you what I learned, I cannot advise you what to do but I will share my experience, When you say he hears you.listens to you,agrees to a solution and it works for a week or so then goes back to the status quo..this bit,It means he has heard you he CAN change and does change for a short period of time ,he has got you off his case,he is pleasing himself then when he cannot be bothered anymore putting the effort in he chooses to slip right back, He is not depressed,He has shown you when the nagging gets tough he can behave like a decent parent and husband,He is choosing not to,Actively choosing to make you and the kids live under a cloud. What would you advise your best friend to do if they were in the same situation?Do they wait for a few days to grasp the crumbs he is throwing at them or do they run for the hills however hard it maybe? If he can be nice when he wants it means he gives not one shiny shit for anyone else. I promise you this, I know I lived through it and the only time I ever felt any peace was when he was not there, I couldnt breathe with the pressure of him being there,knowing he Chooses yes Chooses to act like this,That is as far removed from depression as you can get,That is control and abuse. Its up to you how you choose to deal with it but he is comfortable doing this to you and the children,know that. Mine was and once the penny drops you will know, I wish you well in whatever you decide to do, You are where I was and its a terrible place to be and I am very sorry for you,

@Ohhhhhlalala You were probably aware that AIBU can be a bit of a bear pit. If you wanted to repost in Relationships, when you feel ready, responses tend to be more nuanced & less combative over there.

Chin up, most PP get it, & are not looking to wish your children away.

If your not ready/able to leave yet then my advice is:

Build a new life for yourself without him whilst staying in the marriage.

Go out without him, enjoy your children, see friends.

completely mentally detach from him and the dream of ‘family’ as you want it. You tried it and it didn’t work. So live a single life with him on the outskirts.

When he is being pleasant then welcome him to join in. When he is not being pleasant then continue to exclude him.

He’ll either learn that pleasant behaviour equals the ‘rewards’ of being included and he’ll subconsciously modify his behaviour to be a part of it. Or he’ll still be a grump but it won’t matter to you as you’ve formed a new life and friendships with your little family and he’ll just be a grumpy housemate.

If he takes the latter option of being a grumpy housemate then overtime you’ll be so unbothered by him that you’ll split up without any heartache whatsoever on your part as you’ll be living a happy life without him already. It’ll just be the practicalities to sort and not any emotions regarding him.

I completely agree @KettrickenSmiled however only a few months ago OP was in the mental headspace to think another child was a good idea with DH even with baby twins in the house, she must have been pretty positive to take on that challenge..... Worth a try in my opinion simply because of that.

If it doesn't happen then of course OP should protect her mental health and that of her children.

Whoever said you don't go to therapy with people that abuse you - I agree if you feel you are being abused however OP has said "it almost borders on abuse" and she is currently adding to her family with DH.

You don't just drop people like a hot potato if they suddenly start to struggle mentally - you try and help them while also protecting yourself.

Mental health issues will affect a huge proportion of people for periods in their life times.

I have defended my original comment time and time again quite easily in fact

Chaz, whether you are fucked off or not, no need to exhaust yourself defending an opinion multiple times, I'm sure whoever agrees or disagrees with you is persuaded of their own take on it by now. Shall we get back to supporting OP, instead of scaring her off with (holding own hand up here) our own bad tempers?
She's got enough of that at home poor joke, hope you are doing ok-enough today OP, & taking a break from H even if just popping out for an hour.

You’re absolutely right, and that was my intention with my first comment particularly when lots of others seemed to go in quite hard at this lady. I apologise. I truly hope whatever is going on is sorted one way or another soon and OP has a happy life with her lovely children.

Couldn't agree more Cream.

OP - when you have time for reflection, you might find this link enlightening - fairytaleshadows.com/how-narcissistic-abuse-cycle-keeps-us-from-leaving/

I think unfortunately you have only two options OP which are to divorce him and have to deal with all the ramifications that will entail or stay and accept that you will always be hostage to his moods. If you stay I would do what pp’s have suggested and try to make a life for you and the dcs that doesn’t involve him - take them to visit family or go out at weekends etc and try to ignore him as much as possible.

The having sex with him once a week shocks me - being with such a selfish, nasty arsehole would make my fanny permanently clamp shut. I hope you realise that you really don’t owe him sex? Especially when he’s making you so miserable.

I feel for you x

Thank you for your measured response SoTired, who could disagree with your reasonable & nuanced post?

One issue is though, that often the very last person to the see abuse is the victim herself. Although I prefer the term survivor, as it takes astonishing strength, resilience, & smarts to survive living with it long-term, even when you have not yet been able to make the leap away from it. (I would say especially so. Leaving is usually applauded, but ... staying takes guts & fortitude, & people outside the marriage cannot know or understand all the complex factors interplaying that make the leaving decision so hard.)

What a stupid response, its nothing to do with denigrating it, in your desperate haste to be seen as supportive to the OP you are not thinking of the poor child being born into this .

Does he know he’s driving his family away?
I hope you’ve talked to him and told him how close you are to leaving him.

Put a boot up his arse, don’t let him ruin your next weekend, you’ve not explained how he sulks but next time he’s sleeping until noon or refusing to get dressed or stomping around like an ogre, take your children out…

even if it’s only to your mum for the day, but don’t let him win this battle of wits by letting him dictate how your family fun time should be spent, and stop breeding with him!

Start looking at an alternative to living with him, life is too short to waste it living with a pig like him.

you were making a “gentle curious suggestion”’with this were you?

“I cannot believe 90+ % of people on here saying what a horrible man, he needs to sort himself out, you need to leave, you shouldn’t be around someone so moody, why would you have a baby with him? Would you all be saying that if we were talking about a woman who was feeling low/miserable/no energy/no interest in her family??? I highly doubt it! Disgusting comments on here from people who think it’s not for this woman to support her husband in getting help one way or the other and for her to just leave! How would that work with future visits with the children 🤦🏼‍♀️”

i’d hate to read something you wrote if you’re were really angry then!

nothing in this is helpful to the OP before or after any of her other posts

It is NOT up to anyone to support someone who is abusing them. He is abusing his wife. His pregnant wife and his two innocent young children. If you think people rightly identifying this behaviour at abusive and that she needs to be very careful and probably leave of the behaviour escalates as “disgusting and unhelpful” don’t be surprised if someone has a problem with that.

Do enlighten us Flamingo - how is your desperate haste to be seen as denigratory to the OP helping the poor children, who are here whether you approve of them being born into this or not?

The reality is that you are in for a slog. You will have 3 under 3 and that is exhausting. Your husband sounds burnt out and his moodiness and irritability seems to be increasing and the baby / sleep deprivation isn't even here yet. You wanted this child and you don't leave your spouse because they are tired, overwhelmed and moody due to life being exhausting. He may not have clinical depression but pills that can up his serotonin or norepinephrine levels might still help his moods. He should talk to his doctor about his decreasing frustration tolerance and increasing irritability before he has a mental breakdown.

He can also try exercise, fresh air, sunlight, light therapy and maybe you need a relaxation or Snoezelen style space in your home. Maybe a weighted blanket or vest. Earphones to block out noise - he may need less stimulation in the house to cope and manage his moods if you think he is asd. Do you have the funds for some childcare respite so both of you can do whatever you need to do sans kids - either together or apart?

The 'poor child' is none of your business and not what the OP is asking. Why are you commenting on it?

Having another baby when you have toddler twins and your husband does nothing but moan about chores and how tired he is, and OP admits she is too, is fucking stupid.

If I were the OP I'd leave this bullshit, judgemental, accusatory, victim-blaming useless thread where it stands and seek advice elsewhere.