How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

OP I think you just need to get him and you to the Doctors. Therapy is only as good as the therapist and for some they need medical help in combination with therapy. Before I get knocked by angry Mumsnetters - I'm a huge advocate for therapy but I am also understanding that not all therapists are suitable for all patients and that sometimes patients are so far down a black whole that they can't access the help offered via therapy.

You say he is not depressed - but how can you be sure? How does someone look when depressed? Have you sort medical help in determining this?
depression symptoms maybe a helpful link

I feel sorry you are in this situation that sounds unbearable - but he has admitted he is unhappy and down, that's something. I'd be going to the Drs before I decide to leave, at least you have then done everything possible to help DH. If he refuses then you can hold your head up knowing you've done all you can

Maybe you going is the shock he needs to get help and become the person he was when you met?

He’s shown you his true colours. Believe
him. Time to get your ducks in a row and leave. I’ve lived through the same. It always changes temporarily for the better when we talk, but he can never sustain the change. They rarely can when they are abusive. You deserve better. 💐

Also OP I’m pretty sure my ex also has ASD and I’ve encouraged him to get support quite strongly. I am a bit further down the line than you as we are just waiting for the house sale to complete. Once you decide you don’t want to be treated this way anymore (regardless of what’s causing the behaviour) it’s a bloody relief. You just have to stay strong.

@5YearsLeft

I am so sorry to learn how wrong I was with the username guess.
Thank you for taking time to respond to me directly, & for how invigorating your post to OP herself was.

I really hope that you are able to access occasional respite from the arse you referenced. If at any point you want to rant, & for whatever reason prefer not to do so around real life chums etc ... feel free to pm.

xx

Your comment doesn’t mention anything about him being abusive you’re right. It should have though because he is.

Based on what she’s told us she just needs to leave him because I don’t believe any of the things he does are symptomatic of depression but borne out of a desire to inflict abusive behaviour on the OP. Furthermore based on the fact he’s had counselling that would compound this.

It’s probably also best not to complain about people getting at your throat since you did just that yourself.

You don’t go for therapy with someone that is abusing you.
end of.

What support has your husband received to date for his depression and sleep problems? Has a medical reason for it been ruled out (blood tests etc)? Has he seem a psychotherapist? It sounds like he's depressed but still loves you so something that can be fixed marriage-wise.

What support with the kids do you have from relatives / friends to give you a break during the week, even if it's for an hour or two to go and see friends or go for a walk.

I hope you can both sort this out together.

Sulking is one thing - there is some scope to ignore it and carry on regardless. Shouting is a different thing. It's much more difficult to ignore that, and it will also have a chilling effect on the kids.

So on the grounds of the shouting I think you would be much happier if you could find a way to separate OP.

Maybe you going is the shock he needs to get help and become the person he was when you met?

Not to knock the rest of your lovely supportive post in the slightest @SoTiredNeedHoliday ... however, sometimes there is no going back to who he was when you met ... because that person never truly existed. It was simply the mask he wore to woo you with, that he dropped when you were sufficiently brainwashed, & wears less & less frequently as each inevitable cycle of abuse goes round.

He might wear the mask on request - IF pushed, hard. But only in order to keep you onside, not because he's appalled he's hurt you & wants to be a better person. See OP's update about she can push for an improvement sometimes, but it only lasts a week ...

Then I definitely withdraw my previous post in the light of this and your other posts. You need to start separating asap.

fiveyearsleft's advice is very good. It is liberating once you realise you can actually stop caring. His moods and anger can't really touch you. If he shouts, physically remove yourself and your children. Don't argue back - your indifference will say it all. I do think you should leave him, but when the time is right. Until then, press the 'stop caring' button. And don't have sex with him, because you don't have to do that either.

You have tried a lot of different things and none of them have worked. I think it may be time to tell him to leave.

If he stays, he will kill every last residual feeling you have for him. The only chance your marriage has of surviving is for you and your two year olds to not be subjected to his moods, his shouting, his slamming doors. It is abuse. And it is time for him to go.

I lived a long marriage with a moody sulker who ruined many events for me nad the children.
In the end, you have to come tot terms with the fact that this is a choice - for both of you.
You can't change him, he can only do that himself. It's his responsibility. You can care, you can be supportive ( but not when it undermines you.)
Your responsibility is to decide the value of your life and your childrens in the face of this.
Is it worth it?
How much are you prepared to put up with and for how much longer?
They are tough decisions. But you only live once as they say.

It sounds like he's depressed but still loves you so something that can be fixed marriage-wise.

It's not a question of whether he still loves OP.
It's a question of him professing to, as manipulative bullshit, while simultaneously abusing her.

Women don't have to stay with shouting, door slamming, sulking men who claim depression as an excuse but refuse to do so much as consult their GP about it.
Not even when those men say Disney-Magic-Romance-Industry-Approved phrases like "I love you."

It's telling that you didn't ask OP whether she loves HIM @Pr1mr0se
But were prepared to accept his words as 'proof', while skirting conveniently past his actions.
Almost as if you believe a man declaring "love" entitles him to expect a woman to stay with him, no matter her own feelings about how he behaves to her.

Did I trick my husband of 10 years ?
I honestly can’t believe you would say this. DH was desperate for a son. Wow .

Yes , I told him I was on the pill but I wasn’t and seduced him! Jesus Christ . He wanted another child and so did I. In his - I am so sorry I adore you and please don’t leave me phase- he was desperate for another child .

I had said I wanted another child . We decided to go for it .

Oh @5YearsLeft sending you hugs... 💐Seems inadequate, but it is heartfelt...

Is this the most helpful you can come up with?

In his - I am so sorry I adore you and please don’t leave me phase- he was desperate for another child .

Ignore that PP & don't let victim-blamers upset you for a moment OP.

I am so sorry - it's a classic abuser's tactic, to plant another child in you.
YOU think it means love, happier times & new beginnings.
HE thinks he'll make sure another child is no more domestic work for HIM, & that it will bind you to him even more tightly, so it becomes too hard for you to escape.

Keep reading PP who've been in similar situations OP - escape IS possible, & you are capable of ending this dreadful atmosphere by creating a new one, just for you & your DC. It may take careful planning & execution, but it is possible.

I had said I wanted another child . We decided to go for it

It is what it is. Can you cope with 3 kids on your own is the question.

If only you were this bossy towards everyone else who made a comment that was aimed away from being negative and harsh. As I said before the OP hadn’t mentioned anything other than him being sulky initially. You seem to have a particular self absorbed complex that shines when you say things like “she just needs to leave him because I don’t believe…” it’s entirely her choice whether she stays or leaves regardless of depression or abuse. How on earth you conclude he is abusive because he’s had precious counselling is beyond me. No I made a comment and you decided to criticise me over it and I’m responding. Good luck in life, your attitude tells me you may need it.

If you can't leave OP then you'll need to be really selfish and live your life for your kids and yourself. It's miserable being around a DH like this, there's only so much helping and supporting you can do, ultimately if he won't sort himself out there's not a lot more you can do other than what you've done already.

Depression is not a free pass to behave like an arsehole, to shout, be moody, slam doors, have you walking on egg shells.

You'll need to make your own life as fulfilling as possible, fill it with fun activities for yourself and your children and do your very best to ignore the moods rather than allow them to dictate the mood of the household.

At the moment I'm treating DH as I would a child, reward and interact with good behaviour, minimise my reactions to bad behaviour, it'd tedious but I'm not in a position to leave.

Absolutely this. It's one of the questions counsellors ask clients: what motivated you to come to counselling (i.e. did someone pressgang you into it, or are you coming so you can say it doesn't work).

I so feel for you, OP. I haven't read the full thread, just your responses, but there's a poster on here who had a terrible sulking DH; ruined every birthday and special occasion. She left him and is much happier. Reading between the lines on her posts, I'm nor sure money was short, so you may not be in exactly the same situation, but her threads are definitely worth reading. She's called jamaisjedors - see below. Good luck. X

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

My husband was like this. We had three under three with a set of twins. He pulled himself together when i started with post natal depression and he had to take more responsibility. We did get some help to help with the "grind" of young children.

There’s nothing bossy about what I’m writing just being honest with what I think of your post and it has fucked you off.

I don’t think counselling proved he was abusive I think his behaviour does that on its own.

It’s also rather predictable that you’ve decided to turn your attention to some surface level psychoanalysis of my life and attitude in an attempt to deflect from the fact that it’s difficult for you to defend or substantiate your original post that I commented upon.

if you can’t take people challenging your comments on a discussion board without terming them that they are “ bossy “ or that wishing them luck because they’ll need it. It’s totally disproportionate.