How to stop DH ruining my life ? At wits end with him !

[Ohhhhhlalala]

My husband has become more and more miserable over the years . His moods ruining many special days - yesterday in particular he ruined our anniversary . I am now at my wits end .I am currently pregnant with DC3. We have twins aged 2.

I am getting to the point where I feel I wil have to leave as I don’t want to live. Miserable life but currently I am not ready but have been open with husband that I can’t continue to walk on egg shells and keep trying to be positive and that I am running out of steam with trying to be cheerful. Husband has acknowledged he is exhausted and struggling and hates he is miserable and insists he loves me.

Here is my question - How can I now stop letting his misery dictate my day to day life ? I used to be so happy , free and excited. Do I just now completely ignore his moods? Stop trying ? Start arranging my own activities ?? I will be on maternity soon and stuck home with DH so I need strategies?

He’s woke up sulking again and I am desperate not to waste another day feeling sad ? Please help ?

OP who do you have in your life? Who can support you?

I am not going to pretend that looking after twins and a newborn is easy for anyone, even a couple parenting ‘perfectly’. But it might be easier than treating on eggshells and having someone moaning at you all day.

Do you feel able to speak to the midwife or health visitor? I wonder if they can offer any support services? This is sounding like an abusive environment and well done for realising it.

I think you need a separation at least for your mental health. Would you trust him to look after the twins if you parented separately?

You need to think about the future and draw in all the support you can. Start telling friends and family. And then get out. It may not be forever but you cannot be ground down like this. Good luck.

I know from experience that you cannot ' support people to get help', the person has to want to get help. They have to be motivated to change. You can try to get them to go to counselling/ get a diagnosis or whatever it is. You may succeed. The those things won't effect a change in the person unless they were very highly and intrinsically motivated to change. It can actually make it worse to pressure a reluctant person to go to counselling, as they will use it to affirm their one narrative rather than to challenge themselves to change.

It sounds like you've truly tried everything and then some.

I'm not sure how you can just ignore his sulking and shouting when he's always there.

You could just turn around and walk away but that wouldn't stop him from following you around the house.

Getting in the car and leaving when he kicks off but still that's going to be extra stress on you.

Have you asked him to leave before?

Maybe it's time to ask him to go to his parents or siblings for awhile and tell him exactly why.

Wow so many unbelievably uptight comments, you just contradicted yourself saying the one who is depressed here is the OP yet later say the husband may well be depressed…apparently I’m not the one who needs a dictionary!

How is this supposed to work for the OP’s children though? You can’t rationalise to children that they should just stop caring when their parent is angry, and shouting and slamming doors. Believe me, as someone who grew up in such an environment, it was not within my capacity to tell myself that I should stop caring, crying, hiding in my bedroom, treading on eggshells, etc.

Do you know what’s going on with him at work ? You said in your OP that he’s admitted he’s exhausted - has he taken on extra work and possibly struggling as a result ? He says he hates being miserable, but it’s not going to change unless he addresses the root cause. Talk to him and suggest a visit to his doctor because it sounds like something else like depression is at play here. It could even be undiagnosed bipolar disorder. My DH has similar moods and other symptoms but he was diagnosed some time ago with bipolar disorder. Since he was medicated properly life has been so much better. He still has highs and low, but they are much less frequent and when they do occur they are less pronounced and don’t last for long. He also underwent cognitive behavioural therapy so he understands his condition and how to handle symptoms with minimal effect on those around him. As someone upthread commented, if it is a mental health problem it could have serious consequences if left untreated. It sounds as though you are at the end of your tether, but before you give up, talk things out and see if he’s prepared to accept some support from you in finding a solution.

Oh and I didn’t accuse the OP of anything, how weird of you to jump to that conclusion. Says a lot about you…scary!

Why not say you are going to write him a letter... and write all the things you have written here? This might make him see things from your side?

Or make a list (both of you) of what annoys you about the other? And try to strike off one thing, one by one...?

I am sure you can both work together to make things work again. Just take it slowly, day by day.

I completely agree you cannot force someone to accept help or even seek help, they have to want it themselves. It sounds like from recent updates the OP has been down that road unsuccessfully with her husband. I wish her all the best whatever happens.

Just to reassure you, some of us recognise irony when we see it. I hope you are in a better place now.

Things have been awful the last 3 months and I’m terrified DH now thinks this is acceptable.

It's ultimatum time then isn't it OP.
But I DON'T mean that you give an ultimatum to him.

I mean you finally sit yourself down & give yourself a bloody good talking-to about your own life, your own value, & your own self-worth. And present yourself with your own ultimatum: he either stops being a moody bastard to me & the kids, or we remove ourselves from his moods.

That whole 11:26 update is so sad.
You have been managing for so long, & of course, like any decent person, you expected to make some compromises & accommodations for suspected ASD.
But here's the thing about compromise - when it only goes one way, it's not compromise, it's being taken advantage of.

There are sterner words available than "take advantage" but I don't think they need trotting out right now, as you'll already know what they are.
It boils down to - your H has treated you appallingly for years, & you trying to 'fix' that by being kind, talking, pandering, telling, counselling, urging him to get diagnosed ... none of this has worked, so by now - you know that none of it ever will work.

Maybe resist any urge to sudden change prompted by some of the ... less helpful posts made here, & sit with that for a few days. PP suggestion that you go & stay with a friend or relative for a few days was very helpful - what barriers are there to you doing that?
(& would H sabotage any attempt for you to do so? The suggestion was you go without the kids for a proper break, but I can't imagine you'd relax without them, or more truthfully, without being able to supervise their father's behaviour around them ...????)

Keep posting, never mind the goad about having posted about the problem before - so what? PP who've been through similar won't berate or victim blame you, & you can safely ignore anyone who does. You've got a hell of a lot on your plate, & you can only manage the changes you need to see or make at your own pace.

I’m not quite sure about this certainty he’s not suffering from depression. Feeling miserable, low mood, fatigue, self hatred are all symptoms of depression.

You say he think he may be ASD - but that doesn’t preclude depression also.

Hi op,

Firstly, well done for writing this post and seeking support. It sounds like you are quite isolated so I hope that you have some people to talk to in real life also. I have asd and anxiety so I thought I'd say my piece on his behaviour as you suspect that he might be autistic. Having autism doesn't excuse bad behaviour. Just because my brain works a little differently it doesn't give me an excuse to be a twat to others. I find it quite upsetting when people bring up possible asd in situations when a man is being awful to his oh and kids. It's not a get out of jail free card and unfairly puts autistic people in a bad light. I suspect that he was so keen for you to have another child because he now feels that he has you trapped. I really don't think he's going to magically improve when the baby arrives so I would be trying to get your ducks in a row if I were you.

I also had post natal depression for years and still managed not to be horrible to those around me.

Don't lie.

You are not sorry. So why say so? Do you think it makes your victim-blaming more palatable?

Why don’t you just separate?

I think you will both be much happier.

You have tried to save the relationship and it’s just getting worse.

There’s no shame in deciding to stop wasting time on a sinking ship.

Being a single mother to 3 children is going to be fucking hard, but at least it will be calm! Your 11.28 post made my stomach turn about him being vile yesterday

Please leave (make him leave), nothing is as bad as how he is making it.

You what??? If course you bloody well can, even more reason to do so in fact! Kids, even little ones, pick up more than adults realise and it's so damaging to live in this atmosphere! OP if your husband won't admit he has a problem and visit your GP then you should think about leaving, living on egg shells is no way to live

Hi OP,
I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. The thing is that you have tried and tried to get him to see how wrong things are. If he chooses not to get any help for himself, then there are really not many options available to you apart from separating from him.

Why should you allow yourself and your children to be subjected to his appalling moods?

Tell him that you have had enough and that apologies and vague promises to improve just won't cut it.

Good luck and do try to get some real-life support for yourself.

I don't understand why you haven't left, OP. ASD is no excuse for his behaviour (I have ASD and so do both of my children and others in my family so do understand the impact it has but it is not the cause of the behaviour you've described. That is a choice, whether ASD or NT. As is his refusal to do anything about it).

Why are you still with him? I don't get it. If it was me I would kick him out.

Well, that's helpful. Not!

I find it hard to believe that a man who is exhausted and depressed wanted to add another baby to the mix.Be honest OP was he tricked/ pressured into it.?

Stop 'listening' to him offload and rant, instead calmly address and point out his behavior.

That you are sorry he's feeling down today but him shouting and slamming doors is disrespectful and you won't stand for it.

You can say
'I see you slamming the door. That doesn't give me any real information, it's just a loud noise that scares me and the kids.
If there was a camera in the corner of the kitchen and someone was watching they'd probably think you were quite angry and aggressive'
Have you thought about what it's like for me when you slam the door?'

Say stuff like 'not sure if you've noticed but you are sighing very loudly'

And 'sorry you are down today but I am not down. I can't change how you feel, I can only deal with MY feelings and have as good a day as I can have'.

Keep suggesting to him he goes back to therapy or sees the GP about his low mood.

Don't engage in the content as in 'no I didn't take your stupid car keys' instead say 'I haven't seen them and I notice you seem angry for some reason and your voice is louder than normal'.

So draw his attention to the context instead. Like 'maybe we'll talk later when you are calmer as you seem very stressed now'.

Keep suggesting therapy to him again. And seeing the GP for medication.

Neither the poster recounting their own experience or I have suggested that it is.

The poster herself said that this is to be used as a TEMPORARY coping measure only.

As for me, I'm as LTB as the next woman, but that's OP's decsion to manage at her own pace. I'm sure if she could step into a new solo home with an assured income sufficient to support herself + 3 DC, she'd be off immediately, but unfortunately real life doesn't work like that, & she can't conjure an instant solution for her children.