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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 28/01/2023 15:41

Take it. You've taken an 8 year hit on your career and pension. It's obviously easier for him if you do everything but you'll resent him over time.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2023 15:43

Take it, he’s being selfish

Jeschara · 28/01/2023 15:43

Please take this job, your husband is a parent, he will have to do his share. You are collecting the children in the afternoon, what's his problem?

EVHead · 28/01/2023 15:43

Why doesn’t he want to do the getting the kids ready?

Parker231 · 28/01/2023 15:44

Of course you should take the job - dream jobs don’t come along very often. He’s their father so he needs to step up and take some responsibility for them.

I worked full time from when DT’s were six months. DH did the mornings - dressing, breakfast, nursery/breakfast club drop off and I did the after nursery/school. Joint parenting.

Shouldbedoing · 28/01/2023 15:44

Take it. You deserve a functioning career and a pleasant retirement. Could you use a morning childminder or Nanny?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 28/01/2023 15:45

It's a partnership. Either that or get an aupair

ArcticSkewer · 28/01/2023 15:45

Put yourself first, not him. He has had an easy time of it these past 8 years in the sense of school runs etc. Time to do his share

ShandaLear · 28/01/2023 15:45

You husband needs to do his fair share. Can you imagine what he’d say if the positions were reversed and you tried to stop him working because you were too lazy to do the school run?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2023 15:46

He’s being a dickhead. Surely it’s his turn?

But yes the alternative would be an au pair, which can be a fun cultural experience if done right…

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

purplecorkheart · 28/01/2023 15:47

Take it. They are his kids too. Just because he is male it does not absolve him from the day to day of having children.

Circumferences · 28/01/2023 15:47

Eh?
He doesn't want to get kids ready in the morning?
Tell him tough shit, you have been doing that for the past 8 years while he presumably does what, swan around and gets waited on?
It's time for him to pull his weight.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2023 15:48

Also presumably one of your kids is 8, so capable of dressing themselves!

Simonjt · 28/01/2023 15:49

Does he think any parents enjoy the usual shit show of getting everyone ready in the morning? Of course we don’t, you just get on with it and hope everyone gets out the house in relatively clean clothes with brushed hair

Woundedknee607 · 28/01/2023 15:49

Please take the job op. It will be very different in ten years time when your dc are teens or at uni and you have no career and independent earning power of your own.

Talk to your dh again, get to the bottom of why he doesn’t like the idea. If it’s childcare issues then you may need to buy in some help.

Good luck but don’t be dissuaded! It’s not easy find a dream job after more or less eight years out of the workplace. I would bite their hand off!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/01/2023 15:50

purplecorkheart · 28/01/2023 15:47

Take it. They are his kids too. Just because he is male it does not absolve him from the day to day of having children.

The fact that he’s male doesn’t absolve him, nor does the fact he doesn’t want to do it.

Unless he can come up with another solution that he, at least in part, pays for and takes part in organising.

Duckingella · 28/01/2023 15:50

So to clarify he wants you to pass on your dream job because he doesn't want to actually do some parenting by getting his own children ready and off to school in the mornings?

You know he's being completely selfish,lazy and not to mention unreasonable right?

The man is a bellend.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 28/01/2023 15:50

Tell him your taking it or he has to pay you the same salary as the job plus pension and over time so you have a nest egg then. So you are safe as you have taken a hit on your career for the last 8 years.

napody · 28/01/2023 15:50

You have to take it. You've done the hard years of getting them ready by now- he should be ashamed of himself being anything but grateful for that and supportive.

watchfulwishes · 28/01/2023 15:50

That's not fair. I sort of understand him clinging to the status quo, I was the sole wage earner for a while and it is brilliant having a full time domestic worker, but it is tough shit - equal rights means equal rights.

SauMore · 28/01/2023 15:51

You've taken the time out to be with the children when they were little. They're older now and at school so now is the time for you focus on yourself and what you want again.

The only reason in your situation I wouldn't go for the dream job is if the DC were going to be majorly affected. This doesn't sound like the case at all. What your DH wants does not trump what you want
Congratulations, go for it!

VickyEadieofThigh · 28/01/2023 15:51

MuggleMe · 28/01/2023 15:41

Take it. You've taken an 8 year hit on your career and pension. It's obviously easier for him if you do everything but you'll resent him over time.

Absolutely.

And I say the following with no suggestion that there's anything at all wrong with your relationship with your DH...

An old friend was also a teacher, took quite a bit of time out raising their 3 DC whilst DH built up his professional career, including moving abroad for a few years (his choice) where he continued building his career and she only worked p/t.

When their youngest was 15, he left her for a younger woman. She had to continue working past 60 (her teacher's pension age) because of lost years and the need to sustain a new mortgage, etc. The divorce settlement left her far worse off than him.

Take care of YOU now.

getreadyy · 28/01/2023 15:54

"Take it. You deserve a functioning career and a pleasant retirement. Could you use a morning childminder or Nanny?"

No. She can't get a fucking childminder because there is another parent who is perfectly capable of taking his turn. He's had a cushy 8 years and the OP has been offered her dream job.

Take it. What a lazy wanker he is trying to stop you from achieving your ambitions.

WestOfWestminster · 28/01/2023 15:55

Firstly a lot of the before school stuff can be done the night before and laid out ready, so thats easy.

Nagging them to get dressed and eat breakfast, teeth then walk them to school is literally all you are asking as the bare minimum, he needs to step up.

This sounds like its the perfect job opportunity for you, please don't give that up!