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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
BiggerBoyMadeMeDoit · 01/02/2023 21:11

That’s great news @whatatanker

Canthave2manycats · 01/02/2023 21:13

Great news @whatatanker - good for you! How did the H take it?

ChrisPPancake · 01/02/2023 21:31

Hurrah! Congratulations on the new role @whatatanker 🥂

AdoraBell · 01/02/2023 22:06

Haven’t read the whole thread but wanted to say well done and congratulations on signing the contract 🍾 hope the job is all that you want.

Dontjudgeme101 · 01/02/2023 22:35

Fantastic news op. Congratulations to you. 💐💐💐💐

girlswillbegirls · 01/02/2023 22:42

@whatatanker huge congratulations 🎊
Well done!!! You will never look back.
Thanks very much for the update, you made our day!!!
Delighted for you OP.

Grimchmas · 01/02/2023 22:58

I'm made up for you!

venusandmars · 01/02/2023 23:16

@whatatanker Congratulations! Good decision.

I hope your dh can join in and be excited for you too.

I'm at the other end of my career spectrum but when I was young, getting married, planning a family, I expected that my career would take a back seat. It was the way that it went during the 80s and early 90s when I had my dc.

In reality, I felt unfulfilled and lonely. So to the horror of many, I returned to work - part-time for a while, but then full time. My dh was very challenged initially. He had enjoyed both the practical benefits of having someone at home and the social kudos of being 'the provider' for his family. He felt embarrassed (his words) pushing the pram to take dc to the childminder - no other dad did that.

We worked through it. There were problems at times and it wasn't all smooth sailing. But I was definately a better and happier person, mother, wife because I felt enthused and energised by my job. I also had a subconscious sense that because I had 'my own money' that I did have a choice about my life and relationship and that therefore I was continually choosing to stay in that relationship, rather than being stuck in it and having no other option.

Over the years, combined incomes have allowed each of us to take risks and options in our careers and during covid lockdown we were so glad about the decision we'd made years before. We'd have been f&ked if only one of us had been working.

Now we're retired (sort of - there's still some self employment work going on). We both have pensions. It's very very unlikely that we will ever split up, but even if we did (or if one of us died) we could both survive independently. Ultimately, we're still together because we choose to be together not because we have to.

I know that 2 parents with busy jobs is not right for everyone. I have friends and family who made very different decisions and who now, at similar ages to me and dh, are equally happy with the choices they made. There's no one right answer.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2023 23:36

Congratulations and 'you go, girl'!!!

Roselilly36 · 02/02/2023 05:33

Good luck, pleased you made the right decision for you. Many congratulations 👏

Flatandhappy · 02/02/2023 05:41

Well done! Hope things work out ok.

IWishIHadNotDoneIt · 02/02/2023 07:17

Awesome. We'll done OP x

Weenurse · 02/02/2023 07:22

Congratulations 💐

Notsoivorytower · 02/02/2023 08:00

You had me at 'dream job!' Take it. Parenthood is a partnership. You've already said you can be there for the afternoon school run - and he can do the mornings.
Have you no raised these kids for the last 8 years forsaking your career. I say time to take your life back and benefit the family too.
You go girl!

Mummyto2rugrats · 02/02/2023 08:09

@Parker231 same in this household, we are both parents and neither should impact our careers its about sharing the load and team work and balance. It still boils my blood when we are still seeing this not to be the case in households

Take the job OP it's your dream job, you have had 8 years of impact on wage and pension and future progression xx

illtakeit · 02/02/2023 08:35

Hurray!!!!!!!! I've never been happier for a person I don't know.

Botw1 · 02/02/2023 08:42

Good for you

Hope it all works out

Mummymoomingrumpy · 02/02/2023 08:46

Take the job. Self esteem. Finances. Career. Sharing the childcare and dull housework.

You do not have to sacrifice everything and you will resent it if you do

T1Dmama · 02/02/2023 08:52

whatatanker · 01/02/2023 20:06

I have accepted the job! I signed the contract today!

It is a very happy day. Thank you to so many of you for sharing your stories, anecdotes and encouragement and for helping me to make what I truly hope is the right decision for my family.

Well done. Hope he steps up

sweetsuzie · 02/02/2023 10:22

Omg fantastic 💕 things might be shit a little while whilst he ducks it up but it WAY better than him keeping you in your little cave and just imagine how depressed TOU would be if you had refused it

LoisLane66 · 02/02/2023 10:45

What sort of TTO school job means you having to leave home at 06.30? Sounds ridiculous as most TTO positions are there to facilitate individuals with children wanting to return to work which seems at variance with the early start and having to get up at 6am latest.

Tiswa · 02/02/2023 11:11

LoisLane66 · 02/02/2023 10:45

What sort of TTO school job means you having to leave home at 06.30? Sounds ridiculous as most TTO positions are there to facilitate individuals with children wanting to return to work which seems at variance with the early start and having to get up at 6am latest.

I work in exams and we have flexible hours outside of exams within the 7-6pm school opening hours. I wonder if going in early enables her to do school pick up. Certainly I fit my hours in and around what works

Chisoc · 02/02/2023 15:32

If you really want the job, take it. Just let him know you want the job and that you will be taking it and he will accept. If you are not direct, he might think you are unsure and so he will propose a solution that works for him. Good luck!

Hayliebells · 02/02/2023 16:20

Yeah, congratulations Op x

whatatanker · 02/02/2023 18:35

illtakeit · 02/02/2023 08:35

Hurray!!!!!!!! I've never been happier for a person I don't know.

That’s so lovely @illtakeit thank you so much.

OP posts:
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