Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 28/01/2023 17:09

Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:33

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask.,

😂😂😂😂🙄🙄🙄🙄

Do you think OP has someone in to help her every day? Or do you think she does it by herself?

These are HIS kids: he should be able to parent them.

KILM · 28/01/2023 17:14

I think you need to ask him why he, as your partner who loves you, would ask you to pass up on your DREAM JOB. Its not just any job. Why wouldn't he do everything in his power to support you taking it??

Soothsayer1 · 28/01/2023 17:14

EVHead · 28/01/2023 15:43

Why doesn’t he want to do the getting the kids ready?

he wants an easy life and he doesnt want his wife to improve her earning potential as that will make it harder for him to control & dominate her so that he can have an easy life

musingsinmidlife · 28/01/2023 17:18

Floofyduffypuddy · 28/01/2023 17:07

@musingsinmidlife

My husband and I don't view life through those lenses.

We both have periods me as a sham and he made redundant, who was bringing in what money doesn't matter to us.

The money is the oil we use for our lives.

I get that. There are still many families who see the man's job as making the money and providing housing, food and basic needs and then all the wants and the woman's job as being childcare and domestic care. This board is full of people with dee beliefs that traditional gender roles are always best. I just don't agree. I think both men and women can and should contribute financially to housing and living expenses for their family and both can and should be involved in the home and with childcare. That is my philosophy and so I didn't raise my girls to think they should find a man with a wallet who would take care of them and my sons to think they should find a woman good with children and cooking and cleaning.

Op is a competent adult and more than capable of being in the workforce and contributing to the family finances and to the costs and expenses of having a family. Her husband is also a competent adult and more than capable of getting his kids ready for school in the morning.

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 17:23

Of course you should take it. The fact he's a lazy, selfish, unsupportive git is even more reason to take it. You might rely on your income, and your income alone, one day.

Pipsquiggle · 28/01/2023 17:25

Take the job.

You and DH and DC get stuff ready for the morning madness, the night before. Make it part of your new routine.

If it really doesn't work, then re-assess.

venusandmars · 28/01/2023 17:26

What does it look like in the mornings currently? Is it a real 2-person job with each of you covering the other's back? In which case I can understand that he has some misgivings about taking on sole responsibility (not saying he shouldn't couldn't do it alone, just understanding his qualms about stepping up). IN which case he needs reassurance, and you all needs some good routines.

Or has the majority of the morning stuff been your responsibility while he takes it easy and looks after his 'man stuff'? In which case it's time for the tables to turn and for him to step up as an equal parent allowing you to be an equal breadwinner (equal in terms of work working, both earning, both sharing in the domestic load, not necessarily equal in the exact amounts you contribute to the financial pot).

whatausername · 28/01/2023 17:28

Does he think he's bought a servent?

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 28/01/2023 17:34

Rhondaa · 28/01/2023 16:50

It's all well and good folk saying take it, but it's you that has to live with your dh if he isn't supportive.

What did he say when you applied?

I would just do what others have said, compromise and get a childminder to do a.m drop offs.

I agree. I do understand the reflex to say fuck the lazy twat let him do it all, because his behaviour is really poor here. However it's best for all parties, including the DC, for there to be an arrangement that everyone's as comfortable with as possible.

It's likely that because OP is a teacher and has to be in school early, most of the getting ready will fall to him and there's no way round that unless they have live in childcare. But there's nothing wrong with throwing money at the problem, choosing to use a childminder or breakfast club because it suits both parents better to start work early. He doesn't actually have to do the school run as a consequence of OP working.

LemonSwan · 28/01/2023 17:34

He’s being a dick

Gh12345 · 28/01/2023 17:36

He’s being selfish, I think you should take it

MenopausalMe · 28/01/2023 17:38

Sounds perfect. Take it. Sharing the school run so he does mornings and you do afternoons doesn't sound unreasonable

Shopper727 · 28/01/2023 17:39

Oh for goodness sake what a lazy man, they are his children if he didn’t want to parent he shouldn’t have had 3 children, my ex got my 2 boys and our 2 boys ready and off to school and nursery whilst I was at work - I’m a nurse he’s police so it was a joint effort he also picked them up and fed them and put them all to bed. I did it on the days he worked. Worked well now I do it by myself when I have our 2 sons & my own older boys.

it’s tough some days and if you can’t handle it then don’t have more than one or 2 children you cope because you have to, there is no one to come help you get your own children up dressed fed etc in a morning

CalpolDependant · 28/01/2023 17:39

Got to take it, but you already know that!

Tell him you’re accepting it and he has <insert time until start date> to get used to the idea. He’ll probably just call his mum.

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 17:40

@BashirWithTheGoodBeard yes this is true, but it does depend on how far away the job is. I'm a teacher, I drop my kids off at breakfast club before driving myself to work. But that only works because I live close to school, as breakfast club only opens 30 mins before I need to be in work. When I had a childminder, and the earliest she started was also 30 mins before I had to be in work. It can be tricky to get childcare that starts early enough it you have a longer commute, or might potentially have a longer commute, due to potential traffic etc. You can't just be late because you were in a traffic jam if you're a teacher!

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/01/2023 17:42

Take the job. He either does the morning stuff or you both pay for someone else to do it.

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 17:42

I should clarify that I live close to the school I work in, so the drive between dropping my kids off at their school and getting to work is only about 15 mins.

Justasec321 · 28/01/2023 17:42

Take the job. Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.

MelloYellow · 28/01/2023 17:42

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

This!
my ex husband tried to stop me from working ,I didn’t and thank god I didn’t as he dropped me april 2020 out of the blue,thank god I’d protected my own career etc.

FancyFran · 28/01/2023 17:43

Take the job. I took three years off with second dc. Nightmare to get back to my career. Prep the night before and enjoy your new job. It is a partnership. My dh did school runs, shopping and all the washing. He had a very early start work wise and did pick ups. We live in a location of SAHMs, we were quite unusual. You have a profession, don't waste it or your education.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 28/01/2023 17:44

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 17:40

@BashirWithTheGoodBeard yes this is true, but it does depend on how far away the job is. I'm a teacher, I drop my kids off at breakfast club before driving myself to work. But that only works because I live close to school, as breakfast club only opens 30 mins before I need to be in work. When I had a childminder, and the earliest she started was also 30 mins before I had to be in work. It can be tricky to get childcare that starts early enough it you have a longer commute, or might potentially have a longer commute, due to potential traffic etc. You can't just be late because you were in a traffic jam if you're a teacher!

Yes, this is what I meant when I said that because OP will have to leave so early most of the getting ready will have to fall on him.

But that doesn't mean he has to be responsible for everything after she leaves, no reason they can't pay for a childminder or breakfast club. Also has the advantage of neither parent needing to take responsibility for breakfast. Dropping the DC at childminder/breakfast club will involve less work for him than doing everything between OP leaving and school starting, if that's his concern.

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2023 17:44

What’s he like as a parent the rest of the time? What’s he like as a partner to you?

What is the knock-on to his working day? How early would you need to leave?

NoSquirrels · 28/01/2023 17:46

And how old is your youngest? Is there a nursery/childminder drop as well as the school run?

MichaelFabricantWig · 28/01/2023 17:47

At the end of the day he doesn’t want you to have your dream job because he can’t be arsed looking after his own kids. What a prick.

YANBU

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 17:47

Oh yes I see what you mean @BashirWithTheGoodBeard . Absolutely it might be best for them to both get the kids ready, then the OP leaves for work whilst DH takes the kids to breakfast club/childminder. Either way, there has to be a workaround, OP should 100% take the job. It's really a bad sign that her DP is being so resistant, which is possibly the biggest reason to take the job.