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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Powertoyou · 28/01/2023 17:49

It’s your dream job, definitely go for it. Getting 3 children ready for school 5 mornings a week is not hard. You could have been a hospital doctor of police officer with weekend working, night shifts, bank holidays . Trying to juggle children would have been a nightmare. He won’t have to get them ready in the school holidays.
Does he want to pay you your teacher’s salary and pension instead of going to work?

Notimeforaname · 28/01/2023 17:53

Take the job. He doesn't want you to have a life because it means he has less of one. Take it.

billy1966 · 28/01/2023 17:54

MichaelFabricantWig · 28/01/2023 17:47

At the end of the day he doesn’t want you to have your dream job because he can’t be arsed looking after his own kids. What a prick.

YANBU

In a nutshell.

Not a good man.

In fact the very type of man you need to keep a job when you are with him.

Self employed?

So he could hide his earnings?

He absolutely doesn't really care about you, he is 100% about what suits him.

Get back to work without delay and if he pushes, suggest you divorce with 50/50 sharing childcare.

What a dud you have there.

Pastorswife · 28/01/2023 17:56

I’m a teacher with 2 DC and we have this exact arrangement in my house. In fact, most of my female colleagues with kids have this arrangement. We’re all at school by 7:30am, but we do the school runs/witching hour etc. with the kids in the afternoon and early evening.

In my opinion, the mornings with young children are easier than the afternoon/evenings. They are fresh, rested, hungry so they eat. It’s literally just breakfast, clothes, school bags, and off you go. The 4-6pm is faaaar more difficult in my experience. Everyone is tired, you literally haven’t sat down since 7:30am and you still have 3 hours until the kids will be down, getting dinner ready, keeping the little ones entertained… it’s my least favourite part of the day!

So, all that to say - take the job! Your husband needs to step up and do this very basic thing. As a fellow teacher I’m cheering you on!

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 28/01/2023 17:58

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 17:47

Oh yes I see what you mean @BashirWithTheGoodBeard . Absolutely it might be best for them to both get the kids ready, then the OP leaves for work whilst DH takes the kids to breakfast club/childminder. Either way, there has to be a workaround, OP should 100% take the job. It's really a bad sign that her DP is being so resistant, which is possibly the biggest reason to take the job.

I agree, I'd be extremely unimpressed if I were OP. It would make me all the more determined to take the job and make sure we, emphasis on the plural there because it wouldn't just be for me to sort out, put together a solution that was workable.

Crumpleton · 28/01/2023 18:01

What reasons does he give for not wanting to do the morning shift with the DC.

I can imagine there are 1000s of parents/carers out there that feel the same but just crack on with it.

Cocobutt · 28/01/2023 18:01

It’s your dream job - take it!

How old is your youngest?

There is absolutely no reason not to take it unless there’s a massive story.

Will it have a massive impact on his earnings?
If so they may need to go to breakfast club or a childminder.

You are going to have to go back to work one day.
It would be silly to turn fish this opportunity and then have to get a much worse one in the future.

ChrisPPancake · 28/01/2023 18:03

I actually don't think I could be married to a man who couldn't take care of his own children in the mornings.

When I was made redundant I took a job that involved 3 early shifts a week, starting before the DC were usually up. It was a needs must situation tbf so dh would have had to step up anyway but he did it without complaint. We did have to use a childminder because DC school didn't have a breakfast club at that point, and dh had to get to his own school before 8:15 (teacher). He was the one who got them ready/packed lunches etc. And I did the afternoons.

Thinking2022 · 28/01/2023 18:04

take it and see if you can find someone to come and look after the children in the mornings and take them to school a couple of days a week

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/01/2023 18:07

Jeezo, what others have said! Please take the job. (And depending on his attitude going forward, think about your future with this prince…)

slowquickstep · 28/01/2023 18:07

He either does parenting or ask him to arrange and pay for the childcare.

LoveMyADHD · 28/01/2023 18:08

He’s used to been served for 8 years , why would he give it up 😉

SadSunshine · 28/01/2023 18:10

It's your dream job! Go for it!

SecondRow · 28/01/2023 18:13

What's he doing at that time of the morning currently?

getreadyy · 28/01/2023 18:17

Jesus wept. The OP has got her kids up and ready every morning for 8 years...you know those baby and toddler years when you literally have to wipe their arses for them?

Suddenly, when it's a man's turn to do it (and the kids can actually do much of it themselves), there's women clamouring to suggest the OP should organise childcare for them, or a nanny, or lay out their clothes the fucking night before to make it easy for him. Stop it.

DeskChair · 28/01/2023 18:19

Thinking2022 · 28/01/2023 18:04

take it and see if you can find someone to come and look after the children in the mornings and take them to school a couple of days a week

Why is it her responsibility?

@whatatanker take the job!

DeskChair · 28/01/2023 18:20

Justasec321 · 28/01/2023 17:42

Take the job. Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.Take the job.

Best reply ever!

Parker231 · 28/01/2023 18:24

Thinking2022 · 28/01/2023 18:04

take it and see if you can find someone to come and look after the children in the mornings and take them to school a couple of days a week

Why?

Peony26 · 28/01/2023 18:24

Take this job! Seriously take it from me, I didn’t really have any great job prospects and when my husband’s job got more and more demanding I gave in and became a Sahm. Now my children are growing and independent and my husbands worked his way up and is earning well, but I have no career of my own and I’m practically starting again. To try and sway him, make Compromises with him, and tell him that you want to go for it but you can both put clothing, lunches etc out of an evening, and if there’s issues you can re-evaluate as you go

RiotousRoquefort · 28/01/2023 18:25

Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:33

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask.,

No surprise here.

@Viviennemary is a proper champion of the menz stuff.

RiotousRoquefort · 28/01/2023 18:26

Take the job OP.

Things can change in a day.

Even if you pay out yourself for the school morning run, it is an investment in YOUR future. Please take it.

mackthepony · 28/01/2023 18:28

Op? Any thoughts?

MysteryBelle · 28/01/2023 18:29

If he has a flexible schedule then why shouldn’t he do the morning duties of getting children off to school. You’ve spent 8 years raising them full time so they’re not babies. If this is your dream job, and you feel it is the right time, then try the job out with the new arrangement of dh doing morning school run and you the afternoon. He will get used to it, I think he’s had his way for so long, he is pushing back. But he will adapt. If you don’t do it, you’ll always wonder, and that will make for an unhappy household.

Coolheadedbird · 28/01/2023 18:33

Take it of course, men like u at home and guess what 10 yrs in he’s likely to have his testosterone dropping and going through mid life shit which will mean he’s likely to cheat, so keep him busy.

DEFINITELY TAKE

Coolheadedbird · 28/01/2023 18:36

Don’t get the nanny he will probably end up screwing her. Absolutely don’t protect him no more that he protects you.

Its tough so he needs help. No way.

Get him to put his big pants on.

A few days in and he will start enjoying it.