Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

[whatatanker]

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

Take it and see how things go - considering things as a family, the increased flexibility that comes from you having a good job is invaluable.

You know your DH better than us; it may be he just hates any change (in which case, he's just got to cope like normal people do!) , it may be he already feels tired out with what he does during the day and this just sounds like One More Thing (in which case he could cut back on his own work a bit as you'll be bringing in more now), it may be he fears not so much change as the unknown (hasn't spent enough time with the kids), in which case he should be reminded he spent many years BEING a child himself!

Take the job. if DH likes to start work early, perhaps he could enrol the children in school breakfast club

Unfortunately, I think this is one downside of lengthy career breaks, maternity leaves etc. Some men react badly when it comes to an end and they have to step p to the plate

Absolutely take the job! 🤩 he is just as much their parent as you are and can start pulling his weight - congratulations

Why should only one parent have to do the morning routine and not the other. If he is incapable of doing what is necessary for his children, it is up to him to sort out a solution. He should be grateful he didn’t have to do the bulk of the work for years and still won’t have to do the afternoon stuff.

It's all well and good folk saying take it, but it's you that has to live with your dh if he isn't supportive.

What did he say when you applied?

I would just do what others have said, compromise and get a childminder to do a.m drop offs.

Take it. This is the sort of thing worth divorcing over, and I really don't care if anyone thinks that's too dramatic.

Take it. If anything happens to your relationship in the future you will regret it. I used to be the main breadwinner ( head of department in a school). Went part time once my daughter was born. Husband left me. My teacher's pension is now shit compared to his and with government changes I will have to work longer for part of it and my state pension. Remember, to get the state pension you need 35 years worth of contributions. Thankfully I only need 6 more years to qualify.

Ignoring the very big issue of a loving partner not trying to do all they reasonably can to support the person they presumably love to take up their dream job, you could ease the morning pressure by having a morning au pair - friends with four under five used to have a neighbouring teenager come in before school to be another pair of hands.

The alternative is she doesn't take the job, takes the hit on her future career potential and pension then worst case scenario he fucks off and leaves.

No OP. There are two parents. He needs to take his turn. It's been far too long where men leave the woman to do the kids/home and have the convenience of getting on with life with no interruptions.

The sad thing is this happens a lot for selfish reasons on behalf of the men but the woman thinks it's being done to give them "time" with the kids when they are young. So many post back this up.

Father is pissed he has to step up and parent, to support you and your dream job...

Have you supported his job while you both had kids, I would guess the answer is yes

Please OP take the job! I just needed to add to the many others who are saying the same.
I've been a sahm and and looking to get back to work in the near future and if my dream job came up I'd jump at it! He is also their parent. He can do mornings!

Take the job. You are not default parent because you have a vagina.

Come on Op, you know what you should do. His ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude to caring for his children and supporting his wife should not be tolerated. You do not need his permission and if he continues to be a twat, you should be doing some pushing back of your own. Urgh, twat!

This is what I said to exh! I said “you don’t have more children than you can look after by yourself” and he looked like I’d grown another head.

Context was him moaning - jokingly - about having our two plus his youngest when his partner is on shifts.

(Was said lightheartedly on both sides as our “relationship” basically takes this form now)

Is he able to articulate what his objections are? Does he usually treat you as an equal,partner? If it is selfishness and he doesn’t want to change his morning routine then he needs to understand that it is now his turn after you have done it for 8 years. If it is lack of confidence around skills with organising/relating to DC then can you plan together some things to make it work more easily, especially as children get older and can take more responsibility they can help too eg as PP said putting clothes out night before, PE kit washed at weekend and packed by front door, homework in bag and ready, lunch menus sorted and made previous day if not school lunches.
Echo what is being unanimously said - keep your own income, pension, agency, OP. Dream job - perfect!

Take the job. Maybe down tools in the morning from tomorrow so he can practise

Think of it another way, if DH was offered his dream job, would you support him to take it? Of course, you would. He should do the same for you. It can be done OP, everything ready the night before, lunches ready, uniform ready, pe kits etc for the following morning. Take the job. Good luck.

Go back to work. Be an equal partner in financial responsibility as well as childcare. It puts you on a more equal playing field.

You can always talk though his concerns about the mornings but not at the expense of your job. He will figure it out and it will give him solo time with the kids.

Utter bollocks.

I had three children. We were never late for school. We coped and we are still here to tell the tale.

Lazy git. Tell him you'll divorce him and he can do 50/50.
Good luck with your new job.

Yes take it.

You have done a good balance of being at home,now let him carry the can for a while

Of course you should take it. Your h is in an ideal position to step up and do his share- his hours are flexible and he works for himself. Perfect.

It will also be good for you to get back to work, contribute to a pension, etc.

Why doesn't your h want you to go back to work?!

No, I agree. If he'd truly rather you lost out on your dream job rather than have to do the morning routine with his kids, then he doesn't love you, doesn't care if you're happy and probably isn't an engaged father.

@musingsinmidlife

My husband and I don't view life through those lenses.

We both have periods me as a sham and he made redundant, who was bringing in what money doesn't matter to us.

The money is the oil we use for our lives.

Take it, don't miss out on this great opportunity.