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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 28/01/2023 16:27

Please please please take the job. Don't become one of the many of us who give up our careers or career progression because we brought up our children with men who are self-employed only to find ourselves really really regretting it.
Self employed men can hide assets/wages easily & in the event of divorce you can be left with nothing.

I'm absolutely sure that won't be you. But don't make yourself more vulnerable than you already are

LorW · 28/01/2023 16:28

You’ve given 8 years to birthing and raising your children, you deserve something for yourself, don’t let him sway you off your dream job! you don’t know what will happen in the future and financial independence is essential.

ScribblingPixie · 28/01/2023 16:29

Obviously take it. You know it's the right thing and that your husband is being selfish to an unacceptable level, I'm sure.

Ellie56 · 28/01/2023 16:32

Why doesn't he want to parent his own children? Let me guess - it will mean he has to get up a bit earlier in the morning and actually do some parenting which he has happily left to you every morning for the last 8 years, while he's been lounging around having a lovely leisurely breakfast and pleasing himself.

He is being a selfish twat which does not bode well. A supportive husband would be encouraging you to take it and supporting you every step of the way.

Tell him you're taking the job and he has to step up.

As PP have said already -you will regret it if you don't.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:33

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask.,

Livinghappy · 28/01/2023 16:34

What are his objections? Is he willing to talk to you about it or just applying pressure?

Yes, life is easier when there is one person at home however women have to protect themselves financially.

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 16:34

Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:33

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask.,

If you can't cope with getting 3 ready for the day then you should not have 3 kids. OP's husband made 3 kids. Better get on with it.

Farindes · 28/01/2023 16:34

Please read all the threads of women who are now in precarious financial positions as they never went back to work and now partners hold all the financial cards. Is that what you want?

flabbygoldfish · 28/01/2023 16:35

Take the job, DH is evading his parenting duties and not being supportive of you. What if his business goes under, or loses his income for some other reason. You are both parents here, he needs to do his share of the work.

Zanatdy · 28/01/2023 16:36

Absolutely take it. As others said get an nanny or au pair that he can pay for if he is too lazy to look after his own kids

mogtheexcellent · 28/01/2023 16:36

MuggleMe · 28/01/2023 15:41

Take it. You've taken an 8 year hit on your career and pension. It's obviously easier for him if you do everything but you'll resent him over time.

The first comment says it all. Take the job.

Underparmummy · 28/01/2023 16:38

Jeeez, getting three kids ready in the am is not even that blinking hard in the scheme of things. What a loser.

Everyonehasavoice · 28/01/2023 16:40

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 16:34

If you can't cope with getting 3 ready for the day then you should not have 3 kids. OP's husband made 3 kids. Better get on with it.

Show quote history

Clearly OP can do it
Lots of us have, on our own

Cherrysoup · 28/01/2023 16:40

Take it. You’re protecting your future and that of your dc by working. So he’ll have to parent them, what’s the big deal?

CrescentMoons · 28/01/2023 16:41

Parker231 · 28/01/2023 15:44

Of course you should take the job - dream jobs don’t come along very often. He’s their father so he needs to step up and take some responsibility for them.

I worked full time from when DT’s were six months. DH did the mornings - dressing, breakfast, nursery/breakfast club drop off and I did the after nursery/school. Joint parenting.

This. I would point out to impact on your pension and quality of life and happiness has taken a back seat for nearly a decade and this decade is your career

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 16:41

Imagine how you would feel 5-10-15 years from now having not taken this job and he cheats or leaves you. And you have a gaping hole in your CV, no pension and no job prospects.

Please be smart.

Topseyt123 · 28/01/2023 16:42

Take the job and tell DH in no uncertain terms to stop being such a tit.

TheHauntedPencilCase · 28/01/2023 16:42

The joy of working for yourself means he can now pick up the drop offs. Take the job!

AuntyMabelandPippin · 28/01/2023 16:43

Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:33

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask.,

I used to manage four under six and got my DC to school on time every day. It's just a question of being organised.

FurAndFeathers · 28/01/2023 16:43

Thoughts are that he should be contributing equally to raising and parenting his children. Not expecting you to be a live-in nanny and housekeeper at the expense of your wants, happiness, and financial future.

if he isn’t willing to be a partner that supports his wife, or a father that parents his children, what exactly is the point of him @whatatanker ?

does he just get to do what suits him - a rewarding professional career and expects you all to be grateful for it

GirlsNightOut33 · 28/01/2023 16:43

So instead of him saying, thanks for putting childcare first for the last 8 years (which could KILL many careers!) and bending over backwards to support your return .. he's actively sabotaging it?

Have you asked him why he gets to be a dad and drive his career without impact while you don't?
When does this dynamic change? Is this now your role (2nd class citizen) now permanent?

Fuck that.
He should be grateful.

The fact he's pushing back when you're still proposing doing half (ie. More than he is now) speaks volumes.

Men like him rarely change. Op it's up to you if you want to live this life.

Bear in mind if you split he'd be surely doing 50% of parenting alone. What a clueless idiot he is.

Canthave2manycats · 28/01/2023 16:44

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 16:34

If you can't cope with getting 3 ready for the day then you should not have 3 kids. OP's husband made 3 kids. Better get on with it.

Show quote history

Exactly!! God I got 3 kids out to school mostly on my own for years - it's not the most fun activity in the world but you had them, so you have to step up and rear them!

I would say @whatatanker that you are extremely fortunate to be offered your dream job after so much time out of the workforce. Bite their arms off!! You're already 8 years behind in terms of pension and progression; it's a no-brainer!! Plus you will be around for school holidays so it's only term-time he will have to get them out by himself.

You would be a mug to turn it down! Your husband is a selfish dick - he should be happy for you! Makes me wonder what else he does in the home and with the kids...

Didactylos · 28/01/2023 16:45

Are you a team or not? It would of course mean changes for him but if hes an adult and engaged parent then I assuming its not beyond his capacity or abilities. Its also going to get easier with time (if you have decided your family is complete) as the DCs needs change and they become more independent and capable.

Its fine to acknowledge that he feels like hes losing out and is worried about a change, but there are huge positives to you taking this job (not just for you but the whole family)

Obviously it helps financially and for your future eg pension etc. There are the health, physical and psychological benefits to you, plus the improvement in your eventual pension and future income, and a better ability to deal with unpredictable events is better eg what would happen if he lost his work?

Your DCs will have role models from both of you to see how adults engage with the world and how relationships and compromises work and he gets an opportunity to have more hands on time with the DCs and be confident with dealing with their needs (what would he do if you were ill or incapacitated?)

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/01/2023 16:46

You think it's ok to ask your partner to not have any pension in later life? What if you split. You're fucked.
Take the job, it's a no brainer. Do not rely on a man regardless of how sound your relationship is now.

Dullardmullard · 28/01/2023 16:46

Viviennemary · 28/01/2023 16:33

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask.,

Say what!!!! @whatatanker is already doing that and millions of mums do it daily and the same as dads.

take the job or you’ll resent him big time