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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH life would be easier without him

281 replies

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 10:20

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

OP posts:
ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 13:26

Don’t let him back. He’s a vile bully.

CoffeeLover90 · 12/02/2023 13:27

I said that to DC dad a few times. He's an ex and I was right. We're much, much better off. And my (also suspected ASD) DCs behaviour improved soon after. Probably felt the atmosphere in the house. Asda and tesco often have next day slots, think you'll struggle to get a same day slot with a super market, although it depends where you are. Delivero do grocery deliveries too.
Keep him out and best of luck to you and the kids.

Frustratedandtiredallthetime · 12/02/2023 13:41

NC for this as my from usual username it's fairly obvious who I am.

Just wanted to say you are not alone OP your posts sound like my life ...including ND ds age 4 Only we have several more DC.

But he won't leave ... Everytime I tell him to go he gets angry screaming and shouting so I shut up to avoid upsetting the kids .... I don't know how to get out .... It's should destroying xx

pointythings · 12/02/2023 13:42

Let this be the end. Because you are right, your household would be better without him in it. He is abusive towards your DS, has no interest in learning the skills needed to parent him well, doesn't respect you. Start getting your ducks in a row and looking for a solicitor tomorrow.

ScreamingInfidelities · 12/02/2023 13:43

"mummy help, daddy so angry"

your poor baby 😭 just remember DS saying that if you’re tempted to take him back.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 12/02/2023 13:47

Beans on toast for lunch. And there is some pasta in cupboard for dinner. Few bits and pieces. DH insists we have a routine of only buying food on a Sunday and not doing online etc. Anyway got enough food to eat for today and ordered delivery for tomorrow. Oh my GOD the freedom of buying whatever I want without him asking "and when exactly are you going to eat that?" Or asking how much it cost to the penny!

Thank you for offer of driving me to shops @MavisMcMinty I wish I lived in Devon!

I think you're all right. After a night or two on a mates sofa he will want to come home. Got to plan for how to deal with that. Home is in both our names so I can't stop him coming back into the house

Have emailed solicitors.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 12/02/2023 13:52

Yup ducks in a row time

Whose name is the house in
The car
The bills
Who will leave who will go
Childcare

Thesharkradar · 12/02/2023 13:55

Frustratedandtiredallthetime · 12/02/2023 13:41

NC for this as my from usual username it's fairly obvious who I am.

Just wanted to say you are not alone OP your posts sound like my life ...including ND ds age 4 Only we have several more DC.

But he won't leave ... Everytime I tell him to go he gets angry screaming and shouting so I shut up to avoid upsetting the kids .... I don't know how to get out .... It's should destroying xx

I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a tight and difficult situation, could you maybe make a thread for yourself? I'm sure there are people who might have experienced similar things and would be able to advise🙏💙

EyebrowChallenge · 12/02/2023 13:58

OP, sorry if Im mistaken but have you posted about your partner before? If your who I’m thinking of, this has been going on a long time. Might be a blessing in disguise and a chance for you to do what you’ve been considering for a while.

Sorry if your not the person I’m thinking of.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 12/02/2023 13:59

@Frustratedandtiredallthetime I hope you're OK. It's so tough isn't it. I have this terrible feeling he will always be able to make my and my kids life miserable whether he's at home or not.

You're not the person whose partner used to disappear for random weekends at a time?

Anyway there are thousands of us I guess. Trying so hard to make a man happy and to have a happy home and its all useless!

OP posts:
Frustratedandtiredallthetime · 12/02/2023 14:01

@Thesharkradar thanks ... I will, one day . I really haven't the energy for the battle or even the headspace to contemplate it. But I will ... Eventually.

I just wanted the OP to know she isn't alone, I think she sounds incredibly strong and I'm sure she's going to be much happier very soon xx

pointythings · 12/02/2023 14:07

DH insists we have a routine of only buying food on a Sunday and not doing online etc.

So he's also a controlling git. Why am I not surprised?

But your eyes are open now, freedom beckons, you will fight the battles you need to fight and happiness awaits at the end of it all. Go you!

Justbecause19 · 12/02/2023 14:14

OP I haven't read the full thread but I notice you said you DS is ND. Is your DH too?

bagelbagelbagel · 12/02/2023 14:17

New to this thread but solidarity and love, OP. Stay strong.

billy1966 · 12/02/2023 14:30

I think you need to ring Women's aid for advice and support.

Talk to your family.

He is terrorising your home and child.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 12/02/2023 15:04

It's horrible not knowing. He could be off for good, come back in a couple of days or turn up in the middle of the night. They are his kids and his house too so I know it's not easy or right to just lock him out?? I've got to take control though you're right @billy1966 and others. It feels like an uphill battle. He will be waiting for me to apologise. Or I think he suspects I will find it too hard looking after 2 kids by myself with work and everything else and beg him to come home. He sees himself a good dad and me as useless.

OP posts:
GrapesOfRoss · 12/02/2023 15:14

Please don't apologise to him, op. You have done nothing wrong.

Can you and DC go and stay with family for a few days? It might feel better to take control than sitting there not knowing when he'll be back and what mood he'll be in.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 12/02/2023 15:14

I actually have an old banger of a car at my mums. Just realised the git left with both car seats though. Ahhhhhhh.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/02/2023 15:16

He sees himself a good dad and me as useless.

Given that the reality is pretty much the opposite, he's clearly also delusional. This is incredibly stressful for you, but let it steel you to get out of this relationship. He doesn't get to do this to you and his DC. It isn't acceptable. It's another awful thing to add to the list of awful things he does. Perhaps you should make that list and store it on your phone so you can look at it if you have a wobble about leaving.

LuciaPop · 12/02/2023 15:27

Can someone come and get you?

Original poster
PourPatrol · 12/02/2023 15:48

There would only be one thing on the list @pointythings the worry and guilt about the kids. It's pretty massive one though.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/02/2023 16:15

@PourPatrol I agree with you that the concerns about his parenting would be the big one, but you should probably break them down into their component parts:

  • Refuses to learn specialist parenting skills appropriate to ND child
  • Resorts to shouting and swearing at said ND child
  • Disengages from parenting and family life when challenged
  • ND child has expressed fear of him
  • Unable/unwilling to accept that his parenting may not be good enough or appropriate

And then add

  • Refuses to be flexible about provision of food to the household, i.e. shopping allowed on one day a week only and no online shopping permitted
He's a controlling man and a bad dad.
MamEmma · 12/02/2023 16:21

Do you feel safe physically @PourPatrol ? The stuff about pretending to hit you was chilling. I hope he stays away.

I agree with @pointythings . Also it's not just about the kids but your safety and happiness as well. You are putting DC first because you are a good mam xx

CoffeeLover90 · 12/02/2023 17:03

You may be minimising a little, without realising. I'm not judging, I couldn't, I put up with almost every type of abuse for a bloody decade. Anyway if I was you, I'd ring women's aid tonight while kids are in bed. They're open 24/7. Lock the door and keep keys in, for tonight at least, to allow yourself time to speak to them. Your comments about the shopping are shouting controlling in my opinion, then there's the emotional abuse of you and DS, gaslight over your parenting, making you doubt every little thing you do. Please, please give them a call, they can give practical advice and support regarding housing and benefits. It a scary, daunting thought going it alone with 2 young children but I promise that, after a while, life will be easier than it was with him in it. The only way your going to find out is to try.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2023 17:07

"Don't know why I'm posting again. Too ashamed to tell anyone iRL."

Please, please, please - stop feeling shame and tell people about what's going on. The feeling of isolation you're subjecting yourself too is completely unnecessary. (There is no 'shame' on your part anyway, only on his.)

Talking to your friends and family about this will help. Putting things into words and saying those words to someone - I don't know why it helps, but it really does. Holding it all in can be overwhelming; so please, talk to people. Sharing your thoughts can really help to clarify it to yourself. ((hug))