To have told DH life would be easier without him

[PourPatrol]

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

You’re not wrong, he sounds pretty useless. What if you have to be away for 3 weeks? Won’t he be able to manage the toddler, because he’s not whisperer? It reminds me so much of my friend where she is the boss and her son listens to her only to dress up, not his father. This means if he tries to dress him, he walks around naked. What kind of use are these guys if they can’t manage basic stuff with kids?

So he shouts and swears at his son, sulks, 'pretend' punches you, and defers all parenting to you?

I'm sorry you're in such an awful relationship, do you have other support around you?

Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app, read discreetly).

I’m so sorry.

Him snapping at you and going on a rant with almost zero provocation, the fact that “he never does anything except tell [you] what to do”, the fact that you feel you have to apologise because he is an incapable parent (how did the 4yo get hold of the scissors anyway?!). These are all massive 🚩🚩🚩

I’m so sorry - hadn’t read all your posts when I posted. Doesn’t change my advice (definitely read that book for your own sanity and well being). Do not let you H convince you that you’re doing anything wrong - it sounds like you’re doing the very best you can for your little boy, and he is lucky to have a parent who is prepared to do the hard work to understand him and help him by reaching out for help herself. Don’t let your H undermine how you feel about yourself - I know it’s so grindingly exhausting.

I told him last night before bed that I didn't appreciate what he said to me about being incapable of parenting DS and therefore "having a go at him instead"

He was like "why you bringing up this shit again. We are all good"

I said "because I'm not good. It was hurtful and inaccurate and I want you to apologise"

I actually felt weirdly nervous saying that.

Anyway he said "alright then. Jesus. Sorry"

I'm gonna read that book cos I've seen it recommend a few times. I feel strong this morning. I'm not gonna leave him suddenly or anything but I'm just going to do some research and also I'm going to stick up for myself more. He thinks I'm already "ratty" "bolshy" etc!

Thanks every1. This thread has been v helpful

Good for you @PourPatrol . I'm glad you asked him to apologise and his response about "We're good" well...no...he was fine with the way things were but you weren't and he wasn't picking up on that. I'd call him out on stuff like this going forwards. In the "we" is him and you. He might be fine with how things are going but unless you are fine too, then the "we" he's talking about doesn't factor.

You're doing good here.

See if he repeats the same things but with different situations now and take it from there,

I’m so glad to hear that you were able to express your feelings last night and that you have received some useful support from your thread. I do hope you do read the book - it’ll help you feel stronger in yourself. Good luck

In my experience men do find it hard to read feelings and need stuff spelt out in words of one syllable. Once they have the information, they can either act or not. But hoping that they will pick up the message without detailed and specific information is a lost cause.

Oh dear. OH DEAR.

So DH said he was feeling ill but it's made him basically just sit on the sofa shouting about what I'm doing wrong.

DS was doing arts and crafts with me. He's very messy. Anyway - he got paint all over himself and DH started getting angry. DH got DS on his knee and started saying "you will be bloody cleaned up, i don't care if you don't want it" - DS is screaming, DS is ND, hates sensory stuff like that, DH being pretty rough, I am usually be so careful washing DS and his hair etc - anyway DS starts saying "mummy help, daddy so angry" and trying to get away from him.

I told DH to leave him alone and I'd clean DS up. DH storming around.

And I bloody said it again.

"This house would be easier without you sometimes"

And he's just told me i will fucking eat my words, he's packed a bag and he's gone. Driven the car off. Gave the kids kisses and told me I'd regret it forever.

So now I'm at home with no car and no food in the cupboard. But I kind of hope he means it.

FUCK.

Don't know why I'm posting again. Too ashamed to tell anyone iRL.

To be frank, it sounds to be like he doesn’t want to be there, if he wanted to learn how to deal with DS he would. I have a temper myself but the ‘Daddy angry’ business is bad news, DCs shouldn’t be afraid of a parent, if it gets to that stage it’s gone too far.

This isn’t about what you’ve said, it’s a red-herring. Any man who packs a bag and leaves his wife car-less with two small children over an exchange of words isn’t committed to the relationship. He might well return when he’s calmed down but you need to have a think about where this is going from your POV.

You need to speak to IRL people. Family, friends, solicitor. Parenting is hard work and we can’t always put ourselves first. DH isn’t adapting to the particular challenges of parenting your DS and isn’t interested in learning. Your previous posts described abusive behaviour towards your son, so God knows how he’ll cope with solo contact. You need to have people with you.

good luck.

I kind of hope he means it.

This is the bit that stands out. Have a good think about it because it thing might be a good thing that he's "left" because it puts the ball in your court to say OK it's permanent (if that's what you want). What's the money/housing situation? Could you manage? If so it's a no brainer!

Reach out for support.

He is abusive and is abusing you child.

Put a key in the door and don't leave him back in.

Ring family and friends and tell the truth.

Stop protecting his abuse of your child.

You are a great mother but he needs to be gone permanently.

He’s done you a favour - his anger towards your child is getting worse and he’s angry at you for not allowing him to continue his abuse with no pushback.

He’s done you a favour. What you have to do now is tell everyone. No emotion, no drama, just the facts.

He is a bully and an abuser and he needs to stay gone.

I could manage money wise. I've got savings in my own account he can't access, and a job. It would be v tight to cover all the costs but I could do it.

He said the same stuff he said before this morning

"DS is the one who has caused all the mess, you are a shit mother, and therefore you have a go at me when it's DS who is causing all the problems. You're so fucking transparent. you distract yourself from not knowing what to do by having a go at me - and i won't put up with it"

He thinks he is a victim somehow or something. It's like he doesn't realise how angry he's being. I know things need to be tidied up but it's just a bit of mess, his anger is not nice, and it's scaring DS.

DH says that DS says he's scared to 'manipulate the situation'.

I've tried explaining that I'd rather have mess than anger in the house, and also DS is 4 and he's 40 odd. So of course if both of them are causing issues - it's slightly different!

Anyway - he's gone. There is no food, I was menat to be going to the shop but it's too far too walk. I will order some stuff online hopefully!

Sorry thinking out loud. Thank you for the support all.

Thank fuck he's gone. You were right, life will be so much better for you all without him there.
I'd focus on the practical problems first though. Literally no food? Could a friend or neighbour help you out with a few bits for today and get a delivery for tomorrow?
Do you think you could be in danger from him if he comes back?

Think of what you want to do when he comes back (he will). Do you want to let him back? Are you taking the opportunity to tell him it's over? Do you want to propose a "break", so you supposedly have time to think? (He may accept this more easily). Start planning for whatever you want to happen.

He will try and come back, he's punishing you at the moment by leaving. If you then say you don't want him back he'll be all contrite and manipulative.
Lone parent here to 3 DC's one is ND. Its far easier without a 4th child who thinks they can behave how they like and bullies and undermines you at every opportunity.
A 4 year old is not saying they are scared to be manipulative, a grown man is manhandling him and being abusive towards him.
Life will be better for all of you without him

If you can afford food and the bills without him DO NOT HAVE HIM BACK.

His abuse against you and DS will only get worse as he will see it as permission from you to do so if he comes back. I can see him escalating to slapping ds for misbehaving, ie being messy, very soon.

Do an online shop, bolt the doors, turn off your phone and enjoy the peace and quiet

Your husband is an abuser. Please tell someone what’s going on. It sounds unbearable.

He sounds dreadful. And what kind of partner walks out knowing there is no food to feed his own kids. As others have said, he sounds abusive. I wouldn't have him back!

Why doesn’t he invest a little time in doing the same parenting course? Then you would both be on the same page. If he has a problem with being taught anything then you know which side of the family the autism is coming from.

I actually think life will be easier without him sniping away at you.

He is expecting you to beg him to come back.

Take this opportunity of him being gone to write down your typical week... what he does for the family etc. You'll then see clearly what he contributes to the family.

You'll also be able to identify where you may need to change things for example... he always does the food shop.... so set up online delivery.

Keep posting on here and we can give you support

He's a horrible angry selfish man, just let him go, he definitely wants you to plead with him to come back, blaming a 4-year old child for everything, what is wrong with him?
Just get rid, you goal here should be to get him out of your life with as little disturbance and fuss as possible and then block up and seal off any avenue that he might use to get back.
He needs you much more than you need him, he needs someone to take out his anger on someone to be a subordinate whom he can kick when he's pissed off. Don't let it be you and your child, usher him out of your life and leave him to the fate he deserves

Try to anticipate what he's likely to do, it won't be difficult because he's too much of an angry loose cannon to be strategic, he's very transparent he sees you as a subordinate so he will assume that you are not able to think above and beyond him. He will think that he can easily get what he wants at your expense, but you can on quietly and subtly make sure he can't screw you over.
Be very measured, say as little as possible, don't say anything that gives him any kind of a heads up, don't try to actively punish him, just be very boring and quiet until he's completely gone away.

Oh OP, so sorry he’s behaving like this. If you’re in Devon I’ll take you to the shops - are the child seats in the car he’s taken? Lock him out of the house, let him know he can’t just have hissy fits like this then later act as though everything’s fine. xx