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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told DH life would be easier without him

281 replies

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 10:20

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

OP posts:

ItchyBillco · 17/02/2023 09:00

monsteramunch · 16/02/2023 21:13

I messaged DH to ask to bring me a water just now and he said he will do it when he comes to bed at midnight. I can literally hear him playing video games downstairs.

This man is happy to make the mother of his child spend three hours feeling thirsty and uncomfortable while taking care of his sick child rather than getting you a glass of fucking water.

The level of contempt this shows makes me want to cry.

If you don't follow through and end this relationship then you'll be letting your lovely children down. I don't say that to be cruel, I say it in the hope it will fuel you.

You and the kids deserve so much better.

I want to cry imagining you there trying to juggle looking after your little one with this arsehole's complete lack of giving even one tiny little shit.

He is truly revolting. And a total failure of a father and husband.

Crunchingleaf · 17/02/2023 12:05

OP you really may as well be alone. A proper loving father would have been up to check on his sick son and take over comforting him. A decent husband would have brought you water and insisted you go down to have dinner.
Glad you have a solicitors appointment. He sounds way too lazy to want to deal with kids especially when they are young.

Original poster

PourPatrol · 23/02/2023 21:31

Saw a solicitor today. Got 90mins of advice. She seemed to think I could argue that DH shouldn't have lots of overnights as DH doesn't know or want to support DS when DS is struggling but she said that is hard to prove. I know DH won't see it like that. She also said that because of DS ASD they will try to keep changes to a minimum and that they wouldn't do one week on and off with a baby. I didn't even consider one week one week off as an option. That sounds bloody awful!

She said I'd probably have to lose our house and make sure DH had enough money for a home.

She also said could take 18 months which shocked me a lot cos he will stay in the home during that time. He won't leave the house or kids unless he's dragged out.

She said we could draw up a document to state that he must not slag me off to the kids etc - but don't really know how something like that is enforced.

Feels good to have started getting some proper advice.

Just feel totally torn and upset that both options seem so terrible. I don't know how I would protect my 2 DS from a lot of it if I we have to keep living together for over a year after I tell him I want a divorce! It feels totally un-doable

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 23/02/2023 21:44

Divorce is never quick or easy if one party refuses to engage.

but the sooner you start the process, the sooner you finish.

GrapesOfRoss · 23/02/2023 23:04

Well done for doing it. The longest journey starts with the smallest step. Would suggest breaking it down into the different things you need to do.

BookWar0m · 26/02/2023 09:56

Would you at all be able to do it positively? As from the point you decide to tell your husband you want a divorce be super positive. For example tell him I love you (or loved you) but I’m now finding it very difficult, I’m not happy. I’m finding it hard and give him example (e.g. when I have to start questioning myself if it’s me being selfish when asking for a glass of water, if it’s me that is the problem when x happens etc). It doesn’t feel right, and that’s why it’s best to part our ways.

If he says to that, that yes, it is you being selfish to ask for a glass of water, you are the problem for doing x then say that’s why I feel it’s best for us to separate. Because not being able to ask for water makes you unhappy, not being able to do z makes you unhappy.

If he then says that he is also finding it hard because you do x and you do y then you can tell him all calmly and positively that it sounds like he is not happy either. That best for the children will be if you stay friends and therefore lower expectations you have from each other as a husband and wife and you all will be happier for it.

Basically try to take out all the fuel. You highlight calmly why it’s not working for you. If he says you are the problem you say you can see his point of you but that you are unhappy if you were to do x or y differently and therefore say the only solution appears to be to separate and remain friends for the sake of the children. You tell him the alternative is to stay together and be unhappy. You say that is not fair on the kids, neither is that fair on him and it is not fair on you.

Basically you are providing proper feedback and sticking to your guns. Like a work appraisal. If someones manager tells them they are not happy with them because effectively they don’t like their personality they won’t take that feedback well. If they are saying that when they put their mind to it they are doing great work but unfortunately deadlines are almost always missed, a lot of time off is taken for appointments but there is unwillingness to stay longer if there are deadlines and work needs to be finished etc… the person might actually listen to that feedback.

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