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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH life would be easier without him

281 replies

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 10:20

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/02/2023 15:17

Can you stay out of the house?
With family, friends.

Please call 101 for advice.

He is terrorising you.

He cannot bear that his control of you is slipping.

He is a truly awful abusive man.

Ring 101 and adk for help.

Tell them you are scared of what he might do to you and the children.

He is violent, he does dmash things in anger, he scares the children with his shouting.

Spell out to the police your fear he may kill you all.

Don't play it down.

Tell them you had to leave the house.

He needs removing from the home.

Your silence protects him.

Start shouting it out.

He is abusing you all.

Your marriage is over, the focus now is to get him out of the house.

Teaandtoast3 · 13/02/2023 15:41

^^ please listen to Billy OP. She’s very wise and I agree with everything she has said.

lamaze1 · 13/02/2023 16:11

He knows precisely what he is doing here. Sounds highly manipulative and trying to pull you into line through fear. Do speak to someone in real life. You need support. I'm sorry you're experiencing this

Pixiedust1234 · 13/02/2023 16:44

Keep strong. Please tell someone in real life, its important that somebody knows even if they can't help you right now. Get copies of wages, p60s, mortgage, savings, pension, marriage and birth certificates to start with.

As another poster has suggested, treat him as a toddler having a tantrum when he gets going which is keep calm, ignore, carry on doing jobs/reading etc. Once he realises shouting and banging doesn't work he will try something else but I find shouting terrifies me out of proportion to what it is. Silent treatment, snide remarks, nasty names are easier to deal with imo.

ChopSuey2 · 13/02/2023 16:49

He said something about leaving you first so he can't exactly claim the moral high ground. I think both comments were quite mean. He is being ridiculous trying to give you the task of taking the scissors, whether you were busy or not. What happens when you aren't home? Does he just let your son run wild?

Crunchingleaf · 13/02/2023 17:14

OP just want to offer some words of support.
My eldest didn’t talk until he was 4 (ASD) and my ex didn’t see anything wrong with losing it in front of him. I just can’t understand how any parent can act like your husband does to their own kids. My eldest blossomed once we got away from living with his dad. I wasn’t as stressed and constantly living on edge and so it did become easier.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 13/02/2023 20:55

@Crunchingleaf pleased to hear you're out of it

What happens when your ex has your ASD DS over to stay? Do you worry about them having time together alone? (If they do)

OP posts:
Original poster
PourPatrol · 13/02/2023 20:56

I'm forking out for proper session with solcitor next week. I've used those free 30 min things before and what they said just scared me.

I'm taking all the advice here and just keeping my head down. We do cheerful normal bedtime with the kids. Then he glares at me and goes plays video games all evening and I watch telly with the dog.

He will keep this up for a day or two sulking and then he will make a joke and try to smooth it over again. Tell me what a nightmare I am but he loves me blah blah

OP posts:
MamEmma · 14/02/2023 10:22

Turns my stomach that he thinks he’s the good guy.

pointythings · 14/02/2023 11:01

@MamEmma his kind always do. Do do otherwise would mean admitting their failings and since they are the big I Am, they can't do that.

StormTreader · 14/02/2023 11:16

"Tell me what a nightmare I am but he loves me blah blah"

"If this is how you act towards someone you love then I don't want that kind of love any more".

redbigbananafeet · 14/02/2023 11:17

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 13:22

We haven't spoken to each other all morning. He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead. And now he's asking me if I want a cup of tea.

He just wants it forgotten. I'll wait until kids are in bed to say anything.

If my partner threatened/pretended to punch me I'd pack his bags and have him leave. He did that to remind you he could and can whenever him might choose to. So beware - that was a warning from him.

IncompleteSenten · 14/02/2023 11:21

Would you be safe if you said something like no you don't and to be honest, I don't think I have any love left for you either.

Ohtheyresickagain · 15/02/2023 11:15

I really hope you and your children get away from this man.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 16/02/2023 21:07

We have been on better terms and he has been making an effort. I've got my solicitor still booked in for Thursday but those little doubts started creeping in my head

And then I'm reminded of his ways...DS is running a fever of 40. Wants me in bed beside him. Been lying here in the dark since 6pm. Every time I leave his bedroom he wakes up and calls for me to come back. He's so hot and shaking in his sleep. I messaged DH to ask to bring me a water just now and he said he will do it when he comes to bed at midnight. I can literally hear him playing video games downstairs. I mean. WTF. Is that weirdly selfish? I didn't even get any dinner. I'll obviously run down and get myself one in a sec and sure DS won't notice for one min but god...is that selfish??

Anyway. Solicitors Thursday.

I don't understand him.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 16/02/2023 21:12

He is absolutely selfish. A good man, a loving father, should be doing all he can to support you and ds. But he's not. He's a horror.

Poor wee boy - hope he feels better soon.

Soubriquet · 16/02/2023 21:13

Every time you feel yourself wavering, re-read this thread and remember when push comes to shove, he chooses himself everytime before his wife and child

monsteramunch · 16/02/2023 21:13

I messaged DH to ask to bring me a water just now and he said he will do it when he comes to bed at midnight. I can literally hear him playing video games downstairs.

This man is happy to make the mother of his child spend three hours feeling thirsty and uncomfortable while taking care of his sick child rather than getting you a glass of fucking water.

The level of contempt this shows makes me want to cry.

If you don't follow through and end this relationship then you'll be letting your lovely children down. I don't say that to be cruel, I say it in the hope it will fuel you.

You and the kids deserve so much better.

I want to cry imagining you there trying to juggle looking after your little one with this arsehole's complete lack of giving even one tiny little shit.

TessoftheDubonnet · 16/02/2023 21:15

No dinner and not even a glass of water?

And that's him 'making an effort'...?

Oh dear. You know how this is going to go.

MenoEek · 16/02/2023 21:26

Incredibly selfish. This stuff isn’t normal, Op.I think you’ve been with this unkind man so long you’ve forgotten. He’s treating you with contempt.

lamaze1 · 16/02/2023 22:32

That's not better terms OP. He thinks he has you trained/ conditioned to accept this! He is a deadbeat and a very very poor partner/ husband.

pointythings · 16/02/2023 23:03

That is appalling selfishness and I reckon he is doing it to punish you. Use it to feed your determination. This man hates you and holds you in contempt, and he does not care for his children. I am Angryon your behalf.

RobertsRadio · 17/02/2023 00:39

That man is a poor excuse for a human being. He can't even be bothered to bring you a glass of water, let alone any dinner while you tend your sick child, and shows no concern for his son. He is an absolute disgrace of a husband and father.

IncompleteSenten · 17/02/2023 08:08

If refusing to bring you water because he's playing games and not bringing you food when you are there caring for an ill child is happening during him 'making an effort' I shudder to think how he normally behaves!

MamEmma · 17/02/2023 08:16

Hope you son is better today opx