To have told DH life would be easier without him

[PourPatrol]

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

Tbf OP, life might be easier with your DH but would you be happier?
If the answer is yes then it's probably time to set those wheels in motion. If the answer is no then are you prepared to work through this with him? Will he also try?

He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead. And now he's asking me if I want a cup of tea.

There you go @PourPatrol - he felt the barb and reflected on it.

We haven't spoken to each other all morning. He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead.

You don't seem shocked by this OP. It's not a normal thing to do at all.

It's not normal or acceptable for someone to shout and swear at someone they're in a relationship with, let alone at the kids.

Does he shout at you often? Swear at you? Call you names? Has he ever physically hurt you?

None of those things are acceptable and it sounds like he does / has.

Yes, I can't imagine a partner pretending to punch me after a serious conflict.

Play fighting is for play, when you're both enjoying the joke. This seems more an expression of his anger that he thinks he can get away with cos it's 'just a joke', and a bit of a veiled threat 'I'm kissing you but it could have been punching, look how generous I am to let this go'.

It’s such a passive-aggressive response to a reasonable request to change his behaviour. He’s punishing OP.

TBF the pretending to punch thing might not be normal to you but might be to OP.
DH and I do slow motion high kicks at each other sometimes when we're feeling playful.

The shouting at the kids is not right though.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

TBF the pretending to punch thing might not be normal to you but might be to OP. DH and I do slow motion high kicks at each other sometimes when we're feeling playful.

Oh absolutely, we playfight quite a lot here (which I know MN hates!) but to pretend to punch after an argument that was followed by not speaking, by a man who has form for 'shouting and swearing' at a four year old child sounds like something altogether different.

He's appalling. Yes, what you said was harsh - but it was absolutely deserved. You went on the parenting course so you know what works. He needs to accept that you have the expertise and that he has to learn from you - not carry on doing what he has been doing and being passive aggressive to you. Time to sit down with him calmly and tell him this.

And yes, if he won't change then you absolutely will be better off without him. He's probably offended that he has a child who may have autism and that his 'manly' parenting isn't working. Well, tough.

Actually yes when you put it like that I agree.

@Rhaych2003 I know you said she said that 'in other words' but you're wrong because they're nothing alike in meaning. It's not what she said and not what she meant.

Your partner is playing a mind game with you. He thinks shouting and swearing at a preschooler is acceptable, it isn't. But he doesn't like being told that.

So now, to punish you for highlighting he's wrong, he's leaving everything to you.

He is immature and unkind hearted.

I think you need to communicate with each other better. Sit down at a time when you're both calm and undistracted and talk about an agreed way forwards that doesn't mean you do everything. Perhaps he can go on the parenting course.

If, after agreeing a way forwards that you're both happy with, he doesn't follow through, then I think the relationship won't work. It's just not fair on you to be treated like this. And he knows it.

He wants you to do the difficult stressful stuff so that he can have an easy life, he's not pulling his weight and worse he's probably dragging you down.
I would try to have a Frank discussion with him , try to communicate that he's not doing his fair share, I would give it a certain amount of time for him to turn things around but if ultimately he refuses to listen and won't step up, just pretends there isn't a problem and tries to keep on having an easy life at your expense... well then what's the point of him?
he's not capable of being a partner he's just another thing dragging you down and making your life difficult.

The pretending to punch you and muttering under his breath is a very childlike way to behave, he's being silly like a little boy hoping that this will trigger you into being mummy and stepping up and doing everything for him
🤮

You're not in the wrong here. It's not your fault if the truth hurts. That's on him and his behaviour.

Please dont apologise OP. In that situation, it would have been easier without your husband there. Telling the other parent to do something when it's much easier for the first parent to do it themselves is just a giant waste of time.

It does sound like he has checked out of parenting his son and is struggling with a diagnosis so I think your conversation needs to focus on that. Because by doing so a. He is going to ruin any relationship with his son and b. It means you have to do the patenting for both of you. Why does he think that's ok? How does he want things to change? what's he going to do about it? The reality is that patenting your son is going to be difficult and it's not going to come naturally and he is going to have to learn it rather than wing it like he was parenting a NT child. I think I'd be making clear I expect him to read the books, go on the courses, and practice the techniques with your son if he wants your marriage to survive

Well would it be easier without him? If so then be without him. Because if he had said that to you he would also be called a dick on mumsnet and you would be told you were owed an apology.

Has he been to the parenting classes, if not then he should. I imagine you are both struggling with your son right now and probably in different ways and of course we only have your point of view.

My friend has a child with ASD he has high needs and is very challenging and her DH struggles to cope. Her DH is a high up tech in IT, brilliant at what he does, but when it comes to managing his child he struggles. They make it work by playing to each others strengths not weakness.

Christ. The muttering around the house and now this. Is this the level at which he communicates? Is he four?!

Yuk.

And shouting and swearing at a 4yo is totally unacceptable. Why didn't he go to the parenting classes with you? He needs to.

"you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

Bloody hell!

You just take the scissors-no skill needed!

Was he ever interested in your son?

When he was a baby/younger & not "challenging"?

He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead. And now he's asking me if I want a cup of tea.

This is seriously worrying OP. I hope you are OK. I think it would be worth you seeking advice from an organisation like Women’s Aid and trying to get to a safer, less abusive situation. His rage is very thinly veiled.

Thanks for all the support. I haven't apologised. This is what happens. I used to apologise for stuff and he would punish me but recently I've stopped and he sulks for a much shorter time and then basically just starts acting rally nice

The punching thing. I don't know. Him just being stupid and immature. I don't think he was being threatening. I hope not.

I have to find it in me to not let it go thus time and bring it up tonight even though the argument is over cos he says so

he sounds a bit of an idiot really, I am sorry, dont let him appoint himself the boss, judge and jury etc, you cant be dictated to by a plonker like that (or anyone else)
maybe treat him like the toddler he is, shut down or ignore bad behavior, reward good behavior?
Ultimately if he just makes your life harder then I would look for an off ramp

The "him being sulky" is over, but the "him not learning strategies to help your son" is not over.

I've not been in your situation, but if it were me I'd really focus on asking him to learn strategies for DS. It's constructive and could start a more positive feedback loop between him and DS.

Though based on your earlier comments I can see he might still react negatively even to that. 💐 You can only try your best, and then later, know that you tried.

You don’t need to be a “child whisperer” to take scissors off a 4 year old.

You grab them, and take the scissors away.

Leave the child screaming on the floor. Least he’s safe then.

Your dh sounds useless

I didn't say anything to him last night. I was in fact a total wimp. DH started ranting on that baby is sleeping badly cos he's too cold (he's actually got cold and cough and a temp) so DH insisted on dressing him in a million layers. I tried saying it was too warm but DH always knows best. Even though I'm the one who has the chart of what babies should wear to bed on the wall. He just thinks he knows best cos hex decided it in his own head. And I let him

Baby started crying at 1am. Baby is hot. Sweaty. I give him calpol and dress him in better PJs. Baby is happy again.

And I just sit crying on the floor next to the cot. I'm a wimp and I protect DH ego by pretending he knows best when he doesn't know anything about bloody anything.

He started talking to me about dangers of covid vaccine randomly this morning. I just wish he'd shut up sometimes.

Sorry to keep updating. Nobody asked for it. Hahaha. Just feels lonely in this house with him and 2 little sprogs who don't talk much!

Oh lovely, with each post this gets worse and worse. Sending a hand hold.

I can see more what you meant. His poor decisions and his need to always be right and his moods are making things actively more difficult. If you wanted to leave him over all this, that wouldn't be unreasonable.