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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH life would be easier without him

281 replies

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 10:20

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 28/01/2023 11:34

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 11:31

She admitted he was lazy before the baby?😂so why go on to give him more responsibility if he’s too lazy. It’s true.

Show quote history

Seems less silly than going on at a poster for a choice that's already done a year ago and can't be changed.

Flowerfairy101 · 28/01/2023 11:35

I think you were well within your rights to say that. I have said those exact words to my DP when he does half a job , or no job, or forgets the job, or I end up paddling through piss on the bathroom floor to get to the loo, or he leaves recycling on top of the recycling bin as if it'll be absorbed into the bin by magic. I have not apologised for this because it is true. If he didn't create more work for me then I wouldn't be saying it.
Don't let him heft all the difficult stuff onto you just because you're more capable. The solution is for him to become as capable as you. He's probably in a mood because he thinks he 'does loads' round the house and you wouldn't possibly manage without him and his massive contribution to family life Hmm

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 11:36

Wanderingowl · 28/01/2023 11:33

Did you miss the part where she said that in response to him threatening to leave them? Or did you deliberately ignore it, so you could berate her?

OP, he sounds shit. My life was certainly infinitely easier without my utterly useless XH.

Show quote history

Op said, “he said something about leaving us to it”.

1! she didn’t even know exactly what he said herself.

  1. Saying you’re going to leave someone to it, is not saying you’re leaving/abandoning them? It usually means you’re leaving them to get on with the task their doing.
SpareHeirOverThere · 28/01/2023 11:36

7yearsbadluck · 28/01/2023 11:24

I have two DC with challenging behaviour (they are adopted so experienced lots of trauma and now have numerous diagnosis between them). My exDH was also like this. I divorced him. It WAS much easier without him as I didn't have someone constantly undermining me, plus I now have a night and day to myself every week when they stay with him and I can recharge

Yanbu for ^this^ reason.

If he is so useless thay he cannot stop his 4 year old child from running with scissors, then there is zero point to having him as a co-parent.

You would absolutely be better placed without him there.

Don't apologise for having said it out loud.

zurala · 28/01/2023 11:36

YANBU I once told my husband that he made work for me and life would be easier without him if he couldn't be useful and pull his weight. He listened, and improved massively.

If your DH is muttering I'd actually make sure I had a proper conversation with him to address his incompetence and see how you can both share the load better. I can't abide muttering.

Eleganz · 28/01/2023 11:39

I mean walking up to a small child and physically removing the scissors from their grapes requires no special child wrangling skills. It was a time for physical action and he should have done it.

Sounds like he is trying to reinforce that childcare is your responsibility alone to me. Time for a come to Jesus talk.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 28/01/2023 11:39

SignOnTheWindow · 28/01/2023 10:43

Look up ' weaponized incompetence' this is what your husband is doing.

He needs to step up and stop being a dick.

Makes me laugh how he expects you to sort it out even though you had the baby. Dick.
Young child and scissors (to any normal person = power lunge into action to confiscate offending item. I don't stand and whine because in that time little Jonny might already be missing an eye.

I'd have said much worse anyway. You were tame.

2Old2BABPpresenter · 28/01/2023 11:41

MiaMoor · 28/01/2023 10:22

Of course he could have stopped a 4 year old!

There are many of us who decided to go it alone and found it far easier than coparenting with a useless man!

This! It took me ages to figure out I was just a skivvy and child wrangler to my ex. He proved that by doing the dirty on me. Your H needs to sort his shit and be proactive with the kids, if he doesn’t interact with his children they’ll never do anything for him.

Choconut · 28/01/2023 11:45

What he actually needs to do here is look at why ds doesn't listen to him (probably because dh does very little with him) and resolve that.

Saying life would sometimes be easier without him isn't going to help, it's just lashing out - which feels better in the moment but doesn't actually change anything. You need to have a proper talk about this.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2023 11:52

Truth hurts, eh

singlefish · 28/01/2023 11:53

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 11:31

She admitted he was lazy before the baby?😂so why go on to give him more responsibility if he’s too lazy. It’s true.

Show quote history

If women refused to have kids with men who were sometimes lazy ( particularly in relation to household/ relationship matters) there would be a population crash.

Maybe she wanted more kids? Maybe he’s loaded, so can provide a good home…or provides support in other ways? Maybe he’s great company?

You partner isn’t perfect ( if you have one, and he’s human).

BabyOnBoard90 · 28/01/2023 11:57

So you post here to let these miserable women on here encourage you to find it if it will be easier without him

Stressybetty · 28/01/2023 11:57

As a pp said, he needs to go on that parenting course as well.

Over40Overdating · 28/01/2023 12:00

He’s a liability. Had you not taken the scissors off your 4 year old, he would have left it until something serious happened and then blamed you for it.

If he’s so defensive and doesn’t like being told what to do to the extent he won’t even go on the same courses you are doing to better parent your 4 year old, do you have any real hope that things will ever change?

Lesson for you - his response to what you’ve said is to walk around muttering and shaking his head not actually address the fact he cannot be trusted to safeguard your children.

Lesson for everyone else - lazy, immature men become lazy immature fathers.

No number of pregnancies will work miracles on them.

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 12:01

singlefish · 28/01/2023 11:53

If women refused to have kids with men who were sometimes lazy ( particularly in relation to household/ relationship matters) there would be a population crash.

Maybe she wanted more kids? Maybe he’s loaded, so can provide a good home…or provides support in other ways? Maybe he’s great company?

You partner isn’t perfect ( if you have one, and he’s human).

Show quote history

Someone being loaded is a pretty shallow reason to have a baby with them 😂😂so I think that’s a bad example x

Over40Overdating · 28/01/2023 12:03

BabyOnBoard90 · 28/01/2023 11:57

So you post here to let these miserable women on here encourage you to find it if it will be easier without him

Except the miserable women on here are the ones who make excuses for the lazy, entitled man children they are tied to, not the ones who have found it easier to go alone.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 28/01/2023 12:04

You really do not need to apologise to him!

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 28/01/2023 12:08

singlefish · 28/01/2023 11:53

If women refused to have kids with men who were sometimes lazy ( particularly in relation to household/ relationship matters) there would be a population crash.

Maybe she wanted more kids? Maybe he’s loaded, so can provide a good home…or provides support in other ways? Maybe he’s great company?

You partner isn’t perfect ( if you have one, and he’s human).

Show quote history

I agree with this take, I was very judgemental in my 20s about people choosing men who didn’t pull their weight, but as a woman in my 30s now I see how it can be tricky for women who want to have their own children to find the “perfect” partner in time who has every single quality they want.

MadeofElephantStone · 28/01/2023 12:12

Don't apologise. He let his child walk around with something in his hands that could have hurt him. 0 awareness or reaction to danger. In the time it took him to ask you he could have done it twice. He deserved to be told. I'm not sure I could find someone attractive who mutters shite under their breath instead of conversing like an adult either. You have 3 children to look after it seems.

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 12:14

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 28/01/2023 12:08

I agree with this take, I was very judgemental in my 20s about people choosing men who didn’t pull their weight, but as a woman in my 30s now I see how it can be tricky for women who want to have their own children to find the “perfect” partner in time who has every single quality they want.

Show quote history

Oh yeh so let’s just settle for any man as long as he can father a child, what a warped way of thinking!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2023 12:15

Any adult with their hands free who could sit there and watch a young child doing something dangerous without immediately intervening is utterly useless, and untrustworthy. Its the most stupid response to a reasonable request.
I would worry about leaving very young children alone with him because I would worry he wouldn't be paying attention or stepping in when needed. Accidents can happen even when you are vigilant and he's just not.
Also the shouting and swearing at DS as a means of getting him to behave. It's likely that this is the atmosphere in which your DP was brought up. You need to consider how much of this you are able to put up with unless he commits to finding a better way, then your comment will prove correct.

It sounds like he resents DS because the child is having difficulties, is challenging and is not turning out to be the ideal child in DP's eyes and he needs to address that. What were his expectations of fatherhood. What did he see his role as?
It also sounds like he resents you for actually being able to manage DS more easily, when he should be glad that someone can.

He wants everything to be perfect and easy with no effort required from him, and yet this is a challenging time having a four year old and a young baby, but something that will settle down in time - doesn't feel like he can imagine that.

Re apology. You said exactly what you felt and you were right. However, if you want to solve the situation, you do need to talk about it with him. I would keep the apology for hurting his feelings, but it does sound like this is just a continuation of him being useless or making no effort in terms of being a parent. The only way to get him to co-operate is to suggest positive things he can do, without it sounding like a criticism as he will just add that to his complaints.

As others have said he needs to go on the parenting course too. Maybe hearing what parenting means from other people is the only way he's going to understand. Couple's counseling too. Sorry OP

Intrepidescape · 28/01/2023 12:16

Don’t you dare apologise! He now thinks you’re being ridiculous- when in actual fact things would be easier without him. You would have more time to yourself.

DragonbornMum · 28/01/2023 12:18

Are you being unreasonable? Yes.

Is he being unreasonable? Also yes.

Reclaimtheoutdoors · 28/01/2023 12:21

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 12:14

Oh yeh so let’s just settle for any man as long as he can father a child, what a warped way of thinking!

Show quote history

No you’re the one warped and twisting things.

I didn’t say settle for just anything.

What I was saying is some understanding wouldn’t go amiss because of the situation some women find themselves in. Some men may not have every single quality a woman wants -I didn’t say it’s advisable to reproduce with a man with zero good qualities.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 12:32

He's much better with the baby. He just seems to have decided not to parent the older one
Because he says I have a go at him afterwards but only do that when he shouts and swears. I told him if he screamed and swore at our boy again I'd leave with the kids and the two boys were always my priority. That was a few weeks ago. And now he doesn't do anything. Just stays away from DS and shouts at me to do stuff or makes comments like "oh I see you've given in to him again"

He seems really sad about what I've said. I think he's just waiting for an apology. Will probably crack a joke about PMT and then will be forgotten. But I don't think I can apologise. I actually thought he might have left the house when we were all upstairs and was disappointed to hear him downstairs still

OP posts: