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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told DH life would be easier without him

281 replies

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 10:20

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/01/2023 12:37

I think if you apologise, you just give him 'permission' to carry on being an idiot. Maybe a discussion when the kids are in bed, and neither of you is under immediate pressure. Don't collude with him, or you will keep on having the same issue on repeat.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/01/2023 12:40

"Anway. Yeah, I kind of do think sometimes that it would be easier if i could just crack on. Harder in a way because with a baby and a challenging boy - it's good having 2 pairs of hands but in other ways not at all."
But you don't have two pairs of hands, because he sits on his hands and insists on your one pair doing it all, doesn't he?

"I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do."
Don't you DARE apologise. Just don't you fucking dare! He does not need an apology, he needs a serious kick up the backside, and hearing you say that might just be step one in the process. He needs to start stepping up, or else what is the point of him in this family? Seriously. He has been abdicating from parenthood for FAR too long, and you need to hammer that point home to him.

"he's v defensive - and goes off on one. i guess he's always done that. very hard to talk to him about serious stuff as he just gets so defensive and turns it on me."
Tell him that. Tell him to stop being so damned defensive and LISTEN. Tell him he either listens and starts parenting, or the marriage is doomed, because - it is. Marriage is teamwork and he needs to pull with you, not snipe from the sidelines. Step up or fuck off, because yes, it will be easier without him in his current state. Better if he pulls his weight - and he needs to start doing that.

MadeofElephantStone · 28/01/2023 12:41

I think a very blunt conversation is needed laying out your expectations of hims as a parent to his older child and that there will be no apologies for pointing out how you feel about his lack of parenting as in this instance it was quite frankly dangerous. You should also point that any hint of sarcasm or jokes about your bodily functions will be seen as disrespectful as they are and that you won't tolerate him shifting the blame for his poor actions onto you. If he wants to improve his situation then he needs to communicate like an adult and consider his approach to parenting a ND child in the same way that you have - parenting classes - as there is nothing other than laziness stopping him from being a parent that his child listens to, but it is 100% his responsibility to change this.

PousseyNotMoira · 28/01/2023 12:45

Will probably crack a joke about PMT and then will be forgotten.

Jesus Christ. No. Don’t apologise to this idiot, no fucking jokes about PMT and no forgetting. You are not in the wrong. You are doing yourself and your sons a disservice by tolerating this garbage behaviour. So stop tolerating it. Tell him everything you’ve said here. If he gets defensive, he gets defensive! So what?

SheilaWilcox · 28/01/2023 12:50

I think you can apologise for HOW you said it, but you don't have to for the sentiment behind it.
If an adult sees their child doing something dangerous, then they should intervene immediately, not tell the other parent. What would he have done if you weren't there, let DS carry on running with them?
Tell him you want to be a team of two adults parenting, not one adult parenting two kids and and one adult doing their own thing. Resist the temptation to say 'one adult parenting 3 kids,' even though that's what it sounds like. It will only make him defensive.
I often feel like my life would be easier without my DH, so I get your frustration and I only have one child.

ScreamingInfidelities · 28/01/2023 12:50

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 11:15

Just to give context - DS (4) is very challenging. GP and nursery have put him on waiting list for ADHD or autism digonis. He can get very upset at things being taken off him, but obviously it needed to be done straight away.

I have been on a parenting course for kids with autism, recommended by the council. And so now DH is all like "you know what you're doing, apparently i'm doing it wrong" because i tell him he has to stop shouting and swearing and all that.

I gave baby to DH and then just go up and took the scissors off him. It wasn't hard.

Anway. Yeah, I kind of do think sometimes that it would be easier if i could just crack on. Harder in a way because with a baby and a challenging boy - it's good having 2 pairs of hands but in other ways not at all.

Someone who shouts and swears at a 4 year isn’t worth keeping around. Do yourself and your children a favour and get rid of him.

Mischance · 28/01/2023 12:55

You spoke the truth. Hopefully you can use this as a chance to rethink how your family is working.

It is unfortunate but sometimes Dads feel side lined when it comes to parenting as Mum seems to know best. It is certainly true that mothers rend to do the bulk of child-rearing and consequently they have an intuitive link with their children, which means that they learn the quirks of their offspring and have ways of defusing situations and being one step ahead.

The only way this can be changed is with a joint effort on both sides - on yours to be willing to let go a bit, and on his to get more involved.

MavisMcMinty · 28/01/2023 12:55

It certainly wounded him, as he walked around muttering “easier without you” - maybe it will sink in. Maybe he’ll sulk, or maybe he’ll acknowledge he’s not much help around the place and try to do better. It’s said now, can’t be unsaid. If you genuinely think life would be easier without him, the ball is in his court, he can prove you wrong if he values his life with you.

HumphreyCobblers · 28/01/2023 13:00

He needs to do the course. Opting out because you have correctly called him out on shouting and he has no other strategy is beyond crap OP. I have a child with ASD, he is my third child and parenting him is challenging so I have sympathy in finding it difficult but no sympathy at all with opting out of the process.

If he doesn't step up it would be easier without him.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 28/01/2023 13:01

Idk I think it was honest. Bonkers that he'd instruct you to do something when you're already looking after baby. Inept.

Elfidela1980 · 28/01/2023 13:02

I know we’re just strangers on the internet but please please please don’t blame it on PMT, even as a little ‘smooth it over’ joke. You know it’s not PMT, and you know he’s not behaving the way he should, that’s the real issue here. If your DH is so fragile he can’t accept that he’s been out of line, and that you too are allowed to exhibit stress (in a situation caused by him, by the way) you have to be the one to tell him. It’s not fair on your kids to let him carry on like that. It shouldn’t be up to you, OP, but it is. Shouting and swearing at a kid with additional needs isn’t the move, not in any way. Nobody says it’s easy, shouting and swearing are classic stress responses, but come on. DH is an adult who needs professional help with his parenting, not to be placated momentarily because you spoke the truth a bit harshly in an unguarded moment. Your DS probably would be better off without your DH, if that’s his best effort, sad as that is to say. All the PPs who’ve said he needs to go to the classes and that you two need a sit-down talk are spot on.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 28/01/2023 13:05

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 10:23

I can understand you’re frustrations, you feel like you’re the default parent by the sounds of things. Dad needs to learn to be obedient with kids otherwise they’ll lead him a merry dance! He can’t let the child run around with scissors!

However I do feel what you said was a little harsh. I’m sure you saying that will likely push him further away from wanting to help (wrong on his behalf of course as their his kids).

Can you imagine how crap you’d feel if your partner told you him and the kids would basically be “better off without you”? As that’s basically what you said in other words.

She didn't say better off without him at all.

She said HER life would be EASIER if he wasn't there - which it would be as he's clearly not helping.

Rhaych2003 · 28/01/2023 13:07

IDontWantToBeAPie · 28/01/2023 13:05

She didn't say better off without him at all.

She said HER life would be EASIER if he wasn't there - which it would be as he's clearly not helping.

Show quote history

I said that’s what she said in other words if you read the comment, I never said she literally said that.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2023 13:08

I don’t think you need to apologise; it sounds like you said how you feel- maybe you would be better off without him - what are you going to do about it?

Margo34 · 28/01/2023 13:11

My husband went away for 2w on a work trip and extended it into a jolly with friends.

He asked me if I was glad he was back, and I said "no, you make everything much harder, it was easier when you weren't here."

He didn't like my reply. I said then he shouldn't have asked if he wasn't prepared for an honest response. I didn't apologise and I didn't feel bad about it either. Neither should you!

He did start pulling his weight after that with household and parenting.

IsThePopeCatholic · 28/01/2023 13:12

He sounds like a useless twat.

ManchesterGirl2 · 28/01/2023 13:19

So you set an ultimatum (right) that he has to stop being abusive to your DS, and his response, instead of learning better parenting, is to stop interacting with him at all. 😠

Orangebadger · 28/01/2023 13:19

He needs to step up with your eldest and learn how to parent him effectively without shouting/ swearing. I personally don't think you need to apologise as I can totally believe at times it feels like life would be easier without him. My DH can be quite reactive with the kids and it certainly makes life more stressful when he's around. But that aside life would in reality be a hell of a lot harder without him around. Just try to have a quite chat with him when things have settled. We all say things with maybe only half mean in times of anger or frustration.

monsteramunch · 28/01/2023 13:20

I have been on a parenting course for kids with autism, recommended by the council. And so now DH is all like "you know what you're doing, apparently i'm doing it wrong" because i tell him he has to stop shouting and swearing and all that.

Has he asked to do the course too then? Thought not.

A grown man who needs to be told not to shout and swear at a four year old child, regardless of whether that child has a diagnosis, is awful.

Original poster
PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 13:22

We haven't spoken to each other all morning. He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead. And now he's asking me if I want a cup of tea.

He just wants it forgotten. I'll wait until kids are in bed to say anything.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 28/01/2023 13:22

But it is true isn’t it that is the problem now you have said it it’s out there and is your truth.

crosspusscrossstitcher · 28/01/2023 13:26

He needs to learn to parent his son.

If that means you and the baby bugger off for a whole day and leave them to it...

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 28/01/2023 13:27

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 13:22

We haven't spoken to each other all morning. He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead. And now he's asking me if I want a cup of tea.

He just wants it forgotten. I'll wait until kids are in bed to say anything.

Pretended to punch you?
Is that part of your usual banter or was he trying to intimidate you a bit?

Over40Overdating · 28/01/2023 13:31

PourPatrol · 28/01/2023 13:22

We haven't spoken to each other all morning. He just came up to me and pretended to punch me and then kissed me instead. And now he's asking me if I want a cup of tea.

He just wants it forgotten. I'll wait until kids are in bed to say anything.

The more you say about this man, the more immature he seems.

This isn’t how grown adults deal with conflict.

You say he’s good with the baby - but what happens when that baby becomes a headstrong toddler? Or develops the same challenges as your 4 year old?

Good luck with your chat.
You were not BU. You do not have PMT. You are seeing this man for who he is and he doesn’t like it.

DaveyJonesLocker · 28/01/2023 13:32

He sounds like a prick and alot like my ex. It is so much easier without him. Its amazing. You'd think you'd notice having fewer hands but there's also so much less to do. So much less stress. It is so much easier.