To have told DH life would be easier without him

[PourPatrol]

DS (4) ran into the lounge with scissors

I was feeding the baby.

DH said "pourpatrol you need to get scissors off DS now"

I said "Urm you need to do it. Ive got the baby"

He said "you do it. You're some sort of DS whisperer. He never obeys me"

I snapped "bloody hell"

He went mad. "The way you talk to me is unacceptable blah blah." Then he said something about leaving me to it

I said, walking away with both kids, "to be honest sometimes I think it would all be easier without you"

That wasn't nice was it? He's now walking round the house muttering "easier without you" under his breath and randomly laughing or shaking his head. It's very weird and disconcerting

I was pretty horrible. Do I need to apologise. He just never does anything except tell me what to do.

Your last update is heartbreaking. He sounds abusive and you need to think carefully about what you do next. I’m sorry you are facing such difficult decisions but it does sound like you would be better off without him.

Sounds like you're a single parent, parenting 3 children

It might be worth you taking a closer look or being mindful of how you judge his parenting. You might not be as selective of your criticism as you think. If he’s swearing at your child, of course it’s not acceptable.

Are you throwing the course in his face very often and hence him feeling i inadequate? If it’s the same i’ve for primary-aged children, i’ve attended it previously and it’s really mostly common sense.

Things being easier without him is not something you say to a spouse and leave hanging, if you’re planning to stay with them imo. Of course he’s hurt.

He should’ve taken the scissors, definitely.

It sounds like you both need to childproof your house more. You’ve a baby too. The 4 year old shouldn’t have access to scissors he can cause damage with tbh.

Sounds like a complete tosser.

Sounds like the relationship is over OP

Of course you need to apologise , imagine if he said that to you. Sounds like you have become the default parent and he feels pushed out. Have a serious discussion about your shared parenting and how to move forward in a positive way

1000%.

No she really doesn't need to apologise.

Her husband needs to learn how to be a better parent and partner for his children and his wife.

Send him on the same parenting course you went on @PourPatrol, and I'd even consider asking him to go on an anger management course as he doesn't seem to get that his children are not little adults, but actually children.

I'd be surprised if he carried on as you've described in the workplace. Why would he think it's acceptable to carry on like that with his family.

When he called me the 4 year old whisper I would have said well it's about time you learn then isn't it. You can see I'm feeding the baby what do you actually expect me to do. He will never learn if he isn't made. Sounds like you need to leave him with the kids for the weekend

Sounds like he's really struggling with coping with a ND child. It's really hard when the strategies you would usually use to bring a child up not only don't work, but make the child more anxious and make the whole situation worse.

Not taking the scissors away, maybe your child would have played up because of the way your DP would have done it, he knew that in advance so wanted you to do it. Over swaddling the baby - trying to be in control of something because as a dad of a ND child he doesn't feel in control at all.

Go ahead with your plan to talk to him. Get him to do the course you've taken. Share resources you've read about neurodiversity that you've probably read and he hasn't. And this will probably get eye-rolls on here, but consider that he also is on the spectrum, it is genetic, and that he might have his own struggles about feeling he isn't in control of the situation/having additional anxieties about things.

Problem is @AnOldCynic I'm so tired trying to learn how to look after an ASD 4 year old and a baby - that I'm struggling to find the energy to work out how to get through to DH beyond all the eye rolling and snide remarks and "oh well i just wont fo anything cos you know best" sarcasm. I think you might be right about him being anxious and ND and struggling but there is only so much I can carry.

@PourPatrol just because he might be ND himself that doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you, shout and swear at his DS, overheat the baby and spout bullshit about the COVID vaccine. Two out of my three adult children are ND and they do not behave like this. It is perfectly possible to be ND and also choose to be an asshole. He has to commit to making major changes, which include taking the parenting course, learning about caring for a baby, moving away from the conspiracy bollocks and anger management. If he won't, you need to walk away.

You need to protect your children. Get angry! He’s emotionally abusing the 4 year old and trying to cook the baby, dressing him up in all those layers was dangerous! Leave today. Just get the kids, and get out.

The main question to ask here is ‘was the OP afraid of husband in that moment or did she know straight away it was a joke?’
If OP had genuine fear, then that shows the relationship is over and she should maybe contact Women’s aid for advice on what to do next.

So he is abusing you all and in his abuse puts your babys life at risk?

Overheating is dangerous for babies.

Screaming abuse at a 4 year old is abuse.

He is a house terrorist.

You need to reach out for help.

Ring Women's aid and spell it out, he is terrorising the home and you are so afraid of him you allowed him to put your baby at risk.

I feel so sorry for you, but the only person who can help you is yourself.

Reach out for support.

I feel for you, I really do. It's incredibly hard work coping with all that. Do you have any allies/support with things apart from your DH?

I do feel sorry for you. This is very hard. Its a difficult time anyway and when the little ones are poorly and you can't get much sleep, it does feel like quite a heavy weight.
But you have to remind yourself that you are doing a very good job in caring for your two. You've got expert advice on how to do deal with your eldest. You even have charts on the wall which say how well wrapped a baby should be. Remind yourself that you are doing a good job, learning and developing as a parent, no matter what the challenges.
Your DH on the other hand, I was concerned about the chart on the wall actually. It does sound like you have to reinforce what you say about childcare with evidence or info from outside sources because your word isn't good enough for him.
He does have a bee in his bonnet that you think you know better than he does about child issues. He's right, you do. From your previous post he really does seem to resent that you are more capable at looking after them than he is. Like its a competition. That is so childish. He should be glad that you are capable and happy for you and the DC.
But his attempt to reinforce his ignorance and demonstrate he's right by over wrapping the baby to prove a point despite your protests is not only unkind but potentially dangerous. Its bullying. He's said the argument is over, but nothing's been solved and that's the same as saying he will carry on. If you have that further discussion, would it help to have a supportive family member to also talk to him? Couples counselling?
Do you have any family/friends around for RL support? It sounds like you need a break to catch up on some rest or to give you a breather and also some much needed emotional support.

Op, your DP is a bully.

Doesn’t matter if he's ND, stressed or whatever excuses are being made for him.

He’s now endangered both of your children in a very short space of time : once because he couldn’t be bothered and then because he’s tried to be the big man with the baby.
That he doesn’t seem to have any sense or basic knowledge of childcare is terrifying.

His main concern seems to be his own ego & sense of being right.

You need to speak to someone else about how to approach him as you are clearly nervous or scared.
Don’t let this get to a point of becoming a safeguarding issue because his actions have caused harm.

DS was playing up at dinner. Insisting on eat dry rice crackers only and not anything else. And not sitting etc.

DH said he was feeli himself get wound up and he was off to play video games. I tried to talk to him and say I didn't feel he was a partner

Anyway cut a long story..he stopped me in my tracks saying I didn't know how to mother DS or control him and therefore I was projecting everything on him so I "felt like I was doing something"

God knows.

The only one projecting is him!
And the only way he can stop you calling him out on it is to make you feel you are the crap parent.
You really, really aren’t.

It sounds accurate 🤷‍♀️and maybe hearing it will make him do better

Hes not being a husband, father or partner...so what is he?

He really is a nothing except an emotional, mental and physical burden. Either he steps up and starts being a father at a minimum (and needs to go on that course!) or you need to seriously start thinking about how lovely and stressfree it would be if it was just you and the kids.

That's a fucking low blow.

I'd be stunned at that and probably say something I shouldn't

he stopped me in my tracks saying I didn't know how to mother DS or control him and therefore I was projecting everything on him so I "felt like I was doing something"
he just said the first thing that came into his head that he felt would shut you down, make you feel bad and get you off his back so he can carry on doing whatever he likes and avoiding any stress.
I would kick him to the curb very hard, make sure he's got no idea what's coming and get everything sewn up so he cant make any kind of counter attack

Well, that's rich - considering you're the one who has bothered to learn about parenting an ND child while he just falls back on shouting and swearing.

His use of the word 'control' is a big red flag too.
Your DS will be worse than usual right now because he senses things are bad between the two of you.