WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

[Mumto4MO]

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

Toomuchinfor · Yesterday 23:57
I don't know why you've had such a hard time on this thread either. Nothing odd about wanting to keep infectious people from touching and kissing your child“

what is the old lady infected with? Must have missed that.

Everytime I go on Facebook I see posts of babies on ventilators everywhere saying “DONT LET ANYONE KISS YOUR BABY ITS NOT WORTH IT”

You need to stop clicking on this stuff. The algorithm is making it seem like this is happening to babies all over the place. It isn't. It really isn't.

The grandMIL isn't infected with anything. OP has said more than once that she is healthy.

@Mumto4MO - As a new mum of course things are going to set you on edge, particularly if you've just come out the other end of a sickness with your newborn.
Can I congratulate you on your new baby? Can I also congratulate you on not sending that text message or email to whichever in-law you were going to. It would have likely set the cat amongst the pigeons.

Next, I do think you need to establish boundaries and it is this that you have muddled in with the other aspects of the visit. It was an impromptu visit so things that you were expecting to happen (as in go straight home after the shopping trip), didn't happen. Other stuff did though.
I would approach another visit with GMiL differently. Make sure she is sitting down and give your baby to her to cuddle. If she starts to get up to go for a walk with babe in arms, don't allow it (as you've said she has a history of falling over with no provocation or reason) and go to take your baby back. Put baby in the pram/buggy and suggest that GMiL could walk around downstairs while pushing the pram around instead.
As for the kissing - it was on the cheek and while you asked them not to do it, they did it anyway. Don't let this be the hill you die on. There will be bigger fish to fry in the years to come, believe me. It was your baby that was ill, so if I were GMiL, I'd be more concerned that baby could pass a bug on to me (if I were elderly and not as good anymore at fighting off infections for example) than the other way around.

I think you need to start setting boundaries, small ones to begin with that are easily managed and see how you go.

I would try to work through your anxieties so that you don't end up passing them on or letting your child pick up on them which can perpetuate the cycle of anxiety. Your baby is only 4 months old so take things one day at a time and you'll be a dab hand at this mothering lark before you know it!

No, the OP came on to get support for the idea of sending a text to the baby's GreatGM which would have been really nasty and upsetting for her.
I am not going to support someone doing that.

If you see something you think is offensive Floofy then you can report to MNHQ yourself - if is easy to do with the button being on each post.
However, people pointing out that the OP isn't "right", on a thread where they have literally started to get validation by asking if they are being unreasonable, is what people should be doing. Otherwise the person who asks the question thinks their behaviour is right, when it isn't.

I agree with you OP. Mumsnet is full of older generation who have never felt the need to respect boundaries and therefore make new mothers feel crazy.

What a weird and bizarre thing to say.
Not to say ageist, plus of course not factually correct.
Not really sure how anyone's mind gets to a place where they can think that makes any sense.

Reasonable to get GMIL seated before holding baby. But the rest - unless your little one has immune problems, you’re overreacting. Human beings - including you! - are full of germs!

but you took your child shopping. Lots of chances to catch things doing that.

It sounds like you need to change your Facebook filters. Don't alienate the family of your baby's father, you may deeply regret that in the future when you need their goodwill and help.

Everytime I go on Facebook I see posts of babies on ventilators everywhere saying “DONT LET ANYONE KISS YOUR BABY ITS NOT WORTH IT”

You need to stop clicking on this stuff. The algorithm is making it seem like this is happening to babies all over the place. It isn't. It really isn't**

Definitely. I never see posts like that as the algorithm sends me much better stuff.

If you can't change the algorithm, leave facebook as that is so unhealthy for a young mother to be seeing and, fortunately, not a reflection of real life.

You feel “disrespected” 😆😆 who says stuff like that?

'Everytime I go on Facebook I see posts of babies on ventilators everywhere saying “DONT LET ANYONE KISS YOUR BABY ITS NOT WORTH IT”'

I have never seen that on Facebook or anywhere. I wonder whether some warnings about extremely premature or otherwise medically vulnerable babies are being overextended to everyone. Few otherwise healthy babies are going to end up on ventilators just because someone kissed them!

No, please don't read it. At best, it will waste your time; at worst, spread dangerous myths. He's a total quack, who doesn't believe in the germ theory at all; thinks that the symptoms of Covid are caused by 5G; and is opposed to all vaccinations.

The old lady is infected with nothing!

Lack of comprehension skills, is not a good look. Makes your nasty comments irrelevant and you look throughly stupid.

Very funny though and good for people to laugh at.

This thread has taken an odd turn. Were you talking to me? I'm glad you're getting a chuckle out of something - it's all gone as mad as a circus from what I can see.

I wonder how GMIL etc survived if it's so dangerous for someone to touch a child's hand or kiss their cheek!

I think you are being very hurtful and disrespectful to GMIL and need to give your head a wobble!

You are lucky that your child has family around who want to see them and give them a hug etc. So many of us don't have that luxury!

I don't understand, if the baby has been ill, surely it is the baby who might be transferring germs to the old lady, not the other way around.
Are you saying that no one should touch the baby again ?
I do think you could gently say" sit down comfortably and then I LL pass the baby to you, don't want to risk you falling", but unless it is old lady who is germ ridden, I think it is unnecessary not to let her hold and kiss the baby.

You have a new baby, you are feeling ultra protective. The baby will be ok, you will be ok when your body and mind climbs down from this animal process most first time mums go through (I felt like you trust me.)
Congrats on your little one xxxx

First baby? You’ll grow out of it.

dogdaydown · Yesterday 15:08
MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 12:13
Toomuchinfor · Yesterday 23:57
I don't know why you've had such a hard time on this thread either. Nothing odd about wanting to keep infectious people from touching and kissing your child“

what is the old lady infected with? Must have missed that.
The old lady is infected with nothing!

Lack of comprehension skills, is not a good look. Makes your nasty comments irrelevant and you look throughly stupid.

Very funny though and good for people to laugh at.“

Yes, I know the old lady isn’t infectious! I was pointing out how ridiculous Toomuchinfor’s comment was. Obviously.

Maybe brush up on your own comprehension?

Oh wow OP! Seems you’ve landed in the vipers pit. ignore

it’s natural to feel protective over your child (especially the first).

If needed write the text to let you vent. But, don’t send it.

If G MIL is a bit wobbly whilst walking tell her that you will carry your child inside and she can hold them on the couch while you make tea for everyone. Then walk-in so they don’t have the chance to argue.

sorry, this thread has taught you to have a thick skin

Oh didn’t notice that G MIL had been sick. In that case I’d have refused her to hold her stating that because she was unwell you’d wait until the next visit for cuddles! I’m a mumma bear and wouldn’t back down 😉

Gmil wasn't sick.

🙄

🙄

This is the worst thread I have read in a while. We should be supporting each other, not kicking someone when they are clearing needing help