WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

[Mumto4MO]

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

*lovely not lonely

Id be much more worried about her carrying the baby.

Yes she should have not kissed her /touched her after you'd said....

Bur a snarky text? That will bo doubt cause upset
is this the hill you want to die on?

Surely the easiest way around it is to just wipe the babies hands asap....

Youre in for a tough time by being so rigid!

Re germs

I'm sure op realises that baby will pick up bugs but it's not a good idea to have a baby back to back with illness.

The care giver has to remain healthy also to look after the baby.

People sound very glib with babies health .

Any parent would normally seek to minimise risk of infection.

You lost me at 'whining'.

Can I remind posters that this is a site for supporting mum's comments like " you sound deranged".

How is that supportive? You can disagree with the op and perhaps try and put her mind at rest but is it helpful or supportive to add personal attacks?

Attacking a clearly run ragged fatigued parent?? In the thick of winter with a crumbling NHS ??

@Mumto4MO

I think you should link your thread to mnhq.

This sort of thing is exactly what the site is supposed to be for... you were worried and wanted support.

Telling you perhaps germs can't be caught like that is fine but calling you deranged is not on and it's not in the spirit of the site.

I wonder how mnhw monitor's these poster's?

Please put any further posts on the parenting section. You will have gentler responses there.

But yes you sound extremely anxious and that isn't good for anyone.

OP I mean this kindly, your baby is going to be exposed to all kinds of germs, viruses and bacteria as she goes through life. Her immune system will develop along the way. Then when you think you can relax a little wait until she starts nursery, where she’ll be mixing with other children…bam…she’ll come down with all kinds of coughs and colds, sickness bugs.
Ifs hard seeing them poorly and you don’t want them to get sick again but you can bet your life on it that she will, sooner or later.
Im a grandma..shoot me now…My grandkids love to share…they’ve shared their Norovirus, colds, etc. with me. I used to look after the. Three days a week, little gd had a tummy upset. I was so careful when changing her nappies,I put disposable rubber gloves on, wore a mask, used dettol spray double bagged the nappies. Wiped every surface and door handle and still got norovirus from her.
Don’t send that text, next time you see GMIL tell her you’re happy for her to hold her as long as she sits down.

Sounds like time to get back to work! PFB new mother obviously has too much time on her hands 🤣

It's horrible when your baby is sick but (unless immunocompromised) your baby NEEDS to get sick.
They need exposure to these germs. We will never be able to keep children in bubbles and their immune systems are designed to catch and learn to fight pathogens.

You can dictate and control people who love your baby, I guess that's your right as a Mother. But also see that the more you do this the harder your relationship will become.

I wonder if OP would consider sending the same snarky text if it was her own grandmother involved, rather than that of the father of the child in question.

So the baby was sick but the ggmil wasn't?

Were you worried about the baby giving germs to her? I'd of been worried about that given the ggmil must but of a good age and sounds quite frail already.

A viral infection would probably wipe her out if she caught it.

I feel like you are getting such a hard time on here. Maybe just make a no kissing rule for everyone.

We have just come out of a worldwide pandemic and been running around with masks on our face and been told about spreading infection in droplets etc so its understandable to be anxious about this particularly if your baby has recently been sick and you've been nursing her through her suffering.

A frail person who's always falling absolutely should not be walking around with a baby. (Also you are capable of judging this and dont need your husband opinion as someone else weirdly suggested)

I would just ask her to sit down first before giving her the baby and say no kissing and if she does take the baby back.... it's your baby you make the rules and its totally normal wanting to protect your baby from getting sick. I actually think its weird that people are being so mean to you about it.

They will get sick through their life and pick up bugs everywhere so why not try and eliminate the ones you can... dont know why people are comparing this to nursery or school as your child will be older then and those bugs are unavoidable.

I do however think theres a fine line and your likely are suffering from some health anxiety so it might be good to get some help from that.

If you're still reading the thread OP just remember that there are a huge number of people on the internet who seem to get their enjoyment from kicking people when they're down, and some of them seem to be on this thread.

Do these people speak to their friends and family in this way when they over react or get a bit panicked about something: calling them deranged and hysterical and so on?

OP is a new mother, she's probably exhausted from nursing a sick baby all week and panicked a bit.

So many keyboard warriors loving to put the boot in a worried new mother. Well done, hope you're proud.

If your baby had recently been ill, taking them to a “frail elderly lady” probably wasn’t the best idea as they’ll be more likely to get the illness from your child than them passing an illness to your child. The way you describe her as if she is some germ addled filthpot isn’t pleasant. She’s a little old lady that likely doesn’t go many places and is probably safer than taking your child anywhere else.

The fall risk is understandable but you don’t seem too upset about that just “germs”.

Couldn’t you just wash the babies hands if you’re so worried about it? Do you never take her to places like baby sensory or play groups where they’re shoving everything and anything in their mouths? It’s worrything when they’re sick but you’ll but yourself in an early grave worrying like this. Plus germs are good for kids, being too sterile and wrapping them in hand sanitizer soaked cotton wool will do more harm than good.

It’s plastered everywhere nowadays don’t let people kiss your baby don’t let people touch your baby

It is not plastered around to not let anyone touch your baby.

OP, I've been there. The anxiety of being a new mother and trying to protect your baby at all costs can be overwhelming. My anxiety was at its worst when I had PND. I suggest you speak to your HV about your feelings and see what they suggest. When anxiety gets out of control it can be hard to step back and get some perspective (especially when you are sleep deprived and feel you can't cope with another night of disrupted sleep, especially if it can be prevented). I wish you all the best 💐

That's a misconception actually.

Your baby will come across many, many germs in the coming months, it’s how they build up their immunity. Ok your baby is very young still, but it is doubtful they got ill from a kiss!

I would be worried about the baby being walked around by an elderly frail person though, when the risk of a fall is there. You should have asked her nicely if she would sit down whilst holding baby.

I’m not going to read any more replies. I can’t possibly but a lot of them are asking the same questions.

• GMIL was not sick
• I asked her not to kiss or walk around with several times and explained myself NICELY and she ignored me. I tried to take my child back and she wouldn’t give her.
• I intended to pop to the shop to get some food with baby in the carrier and MIL sprung the visit on me.
• I ordinarily let family members give my baby a kiss.

and yes I am a young mother. Maybe I am a nut job. Everytime I go on Facebook I see posts of babies on ventilators everywhere saying “DONT LET ANYONE KISS YOUR BABY ITS NOT WORTH IT” and that small illnesses in adults can manifest to really serious ones in infants? RsV, strep A, Covid. My gripe was with saying no and being ignored mostly.

So just call me a bad mother or a nut or tell me I don’t have a brain and get your anger out and call it a day because I’m not reading anymore.

I get it OP. Your boundaries have been crossed and you made it clear you were uncomfortable about something, which was ignored, and I understand you felt unable to be more assertive for fear of appearing aggressive (as you say it wouldn’t happen if your husband was there).
I understand being hyper vigilant and protective about relatives kissing her if you’re a first time mum, and right after she’s been so ill. You sound like your instincts to want to protect your daughter from perceived danger are high right now. I also think people kissing a new baby round the mouth (less than 6 months) is a no for me too. I had to explain why to MIL etc and they did not like it, but they were fine to kiss on the head, hands etc.

All this said, you would be extremely unreasonable to send that text or to stop going round there. From your GMIL’s perspective, it’s her great granddaughter, she wants to hold her and be affectionate, which is lovely.
Children get ill, mild illnesses boost their immune systems.

I think you have to make it clear, kissing baby near the mouth is a boundary they can’t cross. You can explain why. If they still do, you have to gently take the baby away and explain again it’s a boundary.

We will see you in a few years time when you post about your neurotic and anxious child and how no one is supporting you because you have alienated all of your family.

So uncalled for.

Mumto4MO · Yesterday 23:19
It spreads germs. It’s the season of sickness.“

in the kindest way, you really need to get a grip or you will never cope with your child starting playgroup/school, when they will pick up every germ going. It’s a valuable part of growing up and builds their immune system.

next time, ask grandMIL to sit down before holding the baby so falling won’t be a concern.

I am sorry you are panicked by this - trust me, you do not need to be. There really is no problem. If anything the old lady will be at risk from your baby who is just getting over an illness.

As to sending an unpleasant message - please do not do this. Have you any idea what a total joy it is for an old person living alone to see new life?

I know you have lived through covid when we were all hyper-alert, and I think this must have influenced how you feel.

It is fine - really. Just relax.