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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

229 replies

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:08

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 28/01/2023 00:29

Kindly (as I was an anxious first time Mum many years ago) you need to relax; and enlist help for your anxiety before it restricts your baby's life.

In a few short months she will be rolling round the floor, crawling, licking every toy...and that's if you don't even leave the house. Babies and toddlers are pretty much constantly ill with colds, stomach bugs..that's how immunity builds up and you can't and shouldn't shield them (caveat; I wouldn't deliberately take a child to friends if their kids had measles or similar..I'm talking about your colds and pukey bugs)

I think it's fine to ask frail relatives to sit down safely to hold your baby... but not to cuddle them and kiss them? That's what families do.. and is what will make your child feel loved and safe in the word. Babies need more than just Mum and Dad in an ideal world.. they need to trust and run into the arms of all their family, and watching those relationships develop is just wonderful.

I had four children and now I'm caring for my grandson several days a week. I reckon he has a cold for at least one week in every four, but I rarely catch it, because my immunity has built up over many years... his is just starting out!
He caught Covid from me when he was 6 months old.. unfortunate but true. he smiled through it (I didn't!). His Mum didn't throw a fit over it.. it was just bad luck, and we got through it together!

Get help for your anxiety ; life will be a lot easier ..said from one who was horribly anxious with my first. By my 3rd and 4th, not so much Smile

UsingChangeofName · 28/01/2023 00:32

I'm not a Grandmother either, and I would guess, statistically most of the posters who have replied aren't.

I pray that you at least have compassion for your future daughter/daughter in law and understand how new mothers worry.

I suspect many of us have been new mothers though, and remember worrying about daft things, however, that didn't make us want to "send a text to tell {anyone} we felt disrespected"

If you are really worried that your little one is still vulnerable, and really worried about her catching something, then taking her to the supermarket is hardly a cautious move now is it ?

StoppinBy · 28/01/2023 00:32

I am on the higher end of setting rules between my kids and family and even I think that apart from the carrying, you are being over the top.

Somuchgoo · 28/01/2023 00:35

You're acting as if GMIL had Ebola or something, reserved than being completely healthy 😂

As someone whose chronically ill child has required repeated hospital admissions for the 'common cold', your need to chill out. My little one, who is far more likely to become properly ill goes to nursery, has relatives hug and kiss them etc.

And now, this isn't a new mum thing. I've been there as have many on this thread. I got stressed at my cousin holding my firstborn with a very heavy cold and visible coldsore when she was 3w old (she hadn't told us she was ill before she arrived) but other than that, the more cuddles and kisses the better.

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2023 00:37

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:23

I’m not sure about the nature of this thread it’s my first time using it but I am aware of what the internet is. I want some help in terms of these feelings. I am a panicked new mother. Regardless of what you think about kissing babies shouldn’t my wishes be respected if I express them?

How old is the baby?

MavisMcMinty · 28/01/2023 00:38

Interesting to see this thread, after another similar one a month or two ago. That thread was about a young child at the school gates who was constantly touching the OP’s baby despite being told “no” all the time. In that thread, people were largely supportive of the “no touching babies’ hands or faces” rule, but in this one the consensus is that you’re being weird and over-anxious.

<insert baffled shrug emoji>

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2023 00:40

Boobsallgone21 · 27/01/2023 23:45

I think we should all try to remember when we all had our first child and just how protective and anxious first time Mums can feel. I certainly remember thinking I didn’t want anyone to hold my baby but by my fourth child I was so much more relaxed. Goodnight x

I never thought like that

I couldn't wait for people to come and meet her and I was never precious about her being cuddled.

toomuchlaundry · 28/01/2023 00:41

How old is great MIL?

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2023 00:45

MavisMcMinty · 28/01/2023 00:38

Interesting to see this thread, after another similar one a month or two ago. That thread was about a young child at the school gates who was constantly touching the OP’s baby despite being told “no” all the time. In that thread, people were largely supportive of the “no touching babies’ hands or faces” rule, but in this one the consensus is that you’re being weird and over-anxious.

<insert baffled shrug emoji>

Difference between close relative and random child?

Coyoacan · 28/01/2023 00:46

It’s plastered everywhere nowadays don’t let people kiss your baby don’t let people touch your baby and all these sicknesses that are going around putting babies in hospital

I don't live in the UK but this is true, no wonder the country has an epidemic of anxiety and depression.

OP, your child needs affection from members of the family to help her thrive and hopefully not inherit your crippling anxiety

saraclara · 28/01/2023 00:47

Nanny0gg · 28/01/2023 00:45

Difference between close relative and random child?

Show quote history

And here the OP was about to send an entirely unreasonable text that would have dreadfully upset a loving great grandmother.

iminvestednow · 28/01/2023 00:49

You’re going to have issues when your little one goes to preschool!

On the other hand, I remember taking my first born (3months) swimming and shooting daggers at quite normal parents of a toddler who I felt were getting too close to my most amazing special baby! Likewise physically shielding him from people coughing on the bus and being quite enraged they had the audacity to breathe the same air as him! When I look back I can’t believe how precious I was! 2 children later and I realise how irrational I was, no doubt you will too. Please don’t burn your bridges with perfectly normal loving grandparents because of your own illogical fears.

(cold sores excluded) A peck on the cheek is highly unlikely to make your child ill, plus if your breastfeeding they have all of your immunity anyway so please relax, take a breath and enjoy your baby. Once they are crawling all bets are off re hygiene…..

LDN1 · 28/01/2023 00:54

I think is fair enough that you're upset. You have your boundaries and they weren't respected. Whether people here agree with the boundaries or not is irrelevant.

Also, anyone who's a fall risk should be sat down, to hold a baby.

Tamarindtree · 28/01/2023 00:58

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:16

SnarkyBag you’re joking right? She kissed her on the cheek and I was up all week with her screaming in pain with sickness so I don’t want her to get sick again.

How is your child ever going to build up a resilience to germs?

Quitw frankly your have treated your mother in law in a really shabby fashion and I feel sorry for your child growing up in such a controlled environment that you want to dictate that a loving grandmother can’t hold or kiss her grandchildren.

mightymam · 28/01/2023 00:59

FFS, cut the woman some slack. She's a new mother to a small baby and is terrified of something bad happening to her. That plus hospitals, pharmacies all advocating washing hands before/after touching small babies, not to go near them if someone has an illness/virus is all so terrifying for someone who hasn't got to the nursery phase yet. Plus, she's mentioned having anxiety AND that she's taking meds for it (which may be a sign of PND- massive leap but PND isn't just laying in your bed all day) so fuck off.

OP, ignore the dickheads. MN used to be a really supportive place when I first joined a couple of years ago. Recently, the time has really changed with aggressive bastards coming on here and kicking you down when you least need it.

Anyway, you're not being unreasonable for being worried about germs but babies are so resilient and at the stage yours is atm, any illness, etc. is only going to build up their immunity. I know that's shit to know when you've been up all night for the past week trying to soothe a poorly baby but try not to worry about kisses- unless GMIL is licking the baby's eyeball/in her mouth! Also, I'd be more worried about the GMILs balance issues than anything else so perhaps reiterate that she holds her when sitting down only. And please don't send that text. Just learn for next time.

BunchHarman · 28/01/2023 01:00

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:16

SnarkyBag you’re joking right? She kissed her on the cheek and I was up all week with her screaming in pain with sickness so I don’t want her to get sick again.

You have to be joking???

motimacboatface · 28/01/2023 01:00

mightymam · 28/01/2023 00:59

FFS, cut the woman some slack. She's a new mother to a small baby and is terrified of something bad happening to her. That plus hospitals, pharmacies all advocating washing hands before/after touching small babies, not to go near them if someone has an illness/virus is all so terrifying for someone who hasn't got to the nursery phase yet. Plus, she's mentioned having anxiety AND that she's taking meds for it (which may be a sign of PND- massive leap but PND isn't just laying in your bed all day) so fuck off.

OP, ignore the dickheads. MN used to be a really supportive place when I first joined a couple of years ago. Recently, the time has really changed with aggressive bastards coming on here and kicking you down when you least need it.

Anyway, you're not being unreasonable for being worried about germs but babies are so resilient and at the stage yours is atm, any illness, etc. is only going to build up their immunity. I know that's shit to know when you've been up all night for the past week trying to soothe a poorly baby but try not to worry about kisses- unless GMIL is licking the baby's eyeball/in her mouth! Also, I'd be more worried about the GMILs balance issues than anything else so perhaps reiterate that she holds her when sitting down only. And please don't send that text. Just learn for next time.

The tone has really changed...

ToWhitToWhoo · 28/01/2023 01:04

Was GMIL unwell in any way? While kissing a baby on the face is not really to be encouraged, if GMIL is not ill, she's very unlikely to infect your child. I know there may be an incubation period; but still, the idea that her kissing your child is INEVITABLY going to make her ill, or even very likely to do so, is quite extreme! (Frankly, as far as germs are concerned, the child is probably more of a risk to her elderly great-grandmother than the other way around.)

If she frequently falls, I can understand your not wanting her to carry your baby around; but I'd ask her to sit down when holding the baby, rather than not to hold her at all,

Definitely don't send a hostile text! That would be really hurtful.

Hadjab · 28/01/2023 01:10

Toomuchinfor · 27/01/2023 23:57

I don't know why you've had such a hard time on this thread either. Nothing odd about wanting to keep infectious people from touching and kissing your child.

Am I missing something? I thought the baby was the one getting over an illness - how is GMIL suddenly the infectious one?

Dita73 · 28/01/2023 01:15

Why visit her in the first place if you don’t want her to touch the baby?! Expecting a grandparent not to cuddle or kiss the baby is insane! Babies get sick. That’s just how it goes. She’ll be fine. If it makes you so anxious you shouldn’t go but then again avoiding a situation that makes you anxious isn’t a good idea. You will have to put your child in situations that you can’t control. If you can try and get used to it you’ll be less anxious.

Tamarindtree · 28/01/2023 01:18

Op, a neurotic mother will most likely have a neurotic child. This behaviour will be passed to your child and you are making a whole lot of trouble for yourself down the line and do you really want your child to grow up feeling anxious?

Woopzies · 28/01/2023 01:25

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 27/01/2023 23:56

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Show quote history

You win 😂

CJsGoldfish · 28/01/2023 01:59

I am a fantastic mother. Don’t need validation on that
It's not about 'validation'. It's about recognising how YOUR actions may negatively affect your child. I can assure you that you are doing her no favours here for a number of reasons. You are also potentially negatively impacting your own relationships which you may very well need as your child grown and your life changes.

I can’t say whether or not this will affect my child growing up.
I can absolutely assure you that it will. Your childs well being, emotional and physical are greatly affected by you. This is not in any way a 'hostile' post as you seem to think most are. We all do the best we can with the knowledge that we have. Recognising where that 'knowledge' may not have the effect we want it to is a lesson we all need to learn. Best to learn it BEFORE you're having to unpick the results of not 🤷‍♀️

I think we should all try to remember when we all had our first child and just how protective and anxious first time Mums can feel. I certainly remember thinking I didn’t want anyone to hold my baby
Not here. I couldn't wait to show my baby off and share her awesomeness. Pass the parcel here and she's all the better for it. 🤣

StormSeason · 28/01/2023 01:59

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:08

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

You know our mothers and grandmothers never treated us this way,never "not allowed" anyone at all to hold or kiss their babies.And we all turned out just fine. Well, most of us did....
Just relax and enjoy your baby,you will look back with such fond memories.You don't want to have only memories of anxiety and anger and what you perceive as being disrespected,I promise.
Much luck to you and your baby😊

Summerfun54321 · 28/01/2023 02:15

I hate to say it OP but your child's job for the next 5 years is: eating, drinking, sleeping and getting ill. Getting ill is what kids do as they build their immune system. They need germs and interaction with others and there is going to be a lot of illness to come so it's better to just relax and embrace it rather than fight it.