WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

[Mumto4MO]

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

How old is your baby? You do sound to me like you are perhaps struggling with anxiety?
i have the same, especially in that post partum period. If you’re worried about germs, ask her to wash her hands before holding the baby then you don’t need to worry about her touching hands. Kissing on the cheek is fine. If you’re worried about her falling, just tell her she needs to sit down to hold the baby. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Hope your anxiety eases soon as it’s a horrible place to be x

Hi @Mumto4MO - it sounds like you’ve just gotten over a really tough week with your lovely LO being ill. It’s never easy when you see your tiny little one with a bug. I hope they’re fully recovered now.

I am with you; it’s not nice to try and put some fair boundaries in place and then not be heard or respected. I think previous posters suggestions about ensuring GMIL is sat down whilst holding LO makes sense. How does that feel for you? Is this something your MIL would support you with too?

I don’t think sending a text would help the situation, but I think sitting down, figuring out your boundaries, and how you might set them whilst with relatives, might be helpful. I found (and DH did too) that we had to be a lot more assertive with certain things in the moment, otherwise resentment would build.

Ultimately, sadly, we cannot prevent our DC from catching every bug; they are going to get germs at some point. As a parent, it’s so shit watching your little one with a bug, and it’s understandable to want to limit that as much as possible.

Hope you’re okay OP. Definitely some unkind responses here.

YABU but I wouldn’t want her to walk around holding the baby if she’s a falls risk, I would ask her to please sit down with the baby next time

I think you are very confused about how viruses spread and how vital it is for kids to build up immunity by interaction with people not by avoiding them. Yes the pandemic had really confused the situation but we are not in that place anymore. Your LO needs to come across germs/bugs so that next winter she will have more resilience....schools and nurseries are literally FULL of germs..

Well, only doing what OP asks if DH is there sounds quite sneaky. Doesn’t paint DGGM in a nice light.
Dismissing OPs wishes.
Also we don’t know how I’ll baby was, can be quite frightening in the middle of the night with a v poorly baby.

So GMIL can’t touch baby because she, (GMIL) MIGHT be infectious. That logic would exclude anyone from touching baby because they MIGHT be infectious. OP is in serious danger of passing on her extreme anxiety to DC.

I can't read the whole thread but I'm possibly the only person who thinks you're not BU.
It's your baby. My mother is 92 and dropped her ggdaughter, on her face once. She is also determined to have her own way. Not all old ladies are nice.

Yeah, i assure you OP that this cures a lot of the illness anxiety! 🤢

I was advised by a midwife not to let anyone kiss my baby, and all my family obliged. If someone didn't know this 'rule' and kissed the baby I didn't find that annoying, but I would find it annoying if someone did it after being asked not to.

I can also relate to frail elderly ladies wandering around with your baby. My own grandmother could barely hold my son as he was too heavy for her, yet when I passed him to her sat down she decided to get up and try and bounce him around. Luckily we have the kind of relationship where I could tell her to bloody well sit back down for her own sake as much as the baby's!

I can totally see why this situation left you upset even though the grandMIL only meant well. It's not nice to have your boundaries ignored regarding your child, especially as a new mother. I wouldn't send a text, but if you think she would be more respectful of your boundaries with your husband there then I'd try and visit whilst he's there as much as possible.

Wait until the baby goes to nursery, it’s called building up immunity. If she’s this old and frail I doubt she be able to see your text 😂

I can understand you being concerned about her walking around with the baby if she is unsteady on her feet.

However the germs thing is something you need to get some perspective on. The person at greatest risk of issues with passing any germs is the GMIL. Your LO is going to get sick at times I'm afraid, all part of being a mum - wrapping them in cotton wool and keeping them away from relatives is not a viable solution.

Old lady probably hasnt got long why not let her make a fuss of your daughter, poor lady.look at the bigger picture here You sound neurotic

😂 Christ

I agree with you OP. Mumsnet is full of older generation who have never felt the need to respect boundaries and therefore make new mothers feel crazy.

Your MIL should respect your wishes.

@Mumto4MO

You need to calm down, you are lucky to have generations of family that take an interest in your baby and there is nothing wrong with a great grandmother, who is not poorly, kissing and touching your baby, just wait till they go to nursery or school you will have all sorts of illnesses to contend with.

The more you build up their immunity the better.

Enjoy your family, don't stress about what might happen.

Hi OP, don't send the text.

From everything you have written I would be more worried about DD giving GMIL an infection rather than the other way round. I think asking people to wash their hands might be a good compromise ongoing and thinking about how you would like to manage the situation next time.

When your DD goes to nursery she is going to pick up loads of bugs /infections. She'll bring them home, you'll catch them etc. Babies and particularly toddlers are germ magnets so you need to learn how to manage your anxiety and how you can't stop the inevitable.

It's okay. All the mums here have been first time mums to PFBs at some point. Things can feel really skewed when you're at that stage. I promise you'll look back and laugh at most of them, especially if you go on to have more children.

The fall thing is a serious but as you didn't find their behaviour respectful so just explain that given she's had some falls she needs to sit down with baby.

Honestly the babies of lockdown who couldn't get passed around or kissed on the cheek by family and friends are much worse off for it. I'm terms of socialisation but also building their immune systems through exposing them to a variety of germs and whatknot.I too, have to say I'd be more worried about the baby making GMIL sick.

The biggest issue I can see here is the disrespect to your boundaries, but rather than lash out at them, which I can't see going well for any of you, think about how you'll handle the situation another time. Personally I'd focus on the sitting whilst holding aspect and plan how I'd swoop in (pretend) cheerfully if I saw this was being disobeyed.

It does get easier but it can be a minefield to navigate at first, especially with the sleep deprivation and crazy hormones. My mil and gmil are amazing but there were times I got cross and stood up for what I thought was best for my baby, but ultimately I loved them being passed around and loved and enjoyed by numerous generations with amazing women who'd raised so many kids of their own.

I remember the anxiety of the baby years. Mine are 20 & 17 now! Babies need to catch germs, viruses ect it's how they form their immune system. I'm not saying expose them unnecessarily but don't sweat a little bit of love from GMIL. Maybe next time she takes the baby you relax and have a cuppa lovely.

No, it really doesn’t.

Mate I’d get some Calpol

OP should deal with her "anxiety" and stop being ridiculous.

You are being ridiculous. This is a grandmother briefly holding her grandchild and giving it a quick kiss on the cheek. Perfectly normal and acceptable! Why would your baby get sick? Doesn't seem like MIL is sick. Both my children spent their first year with back to back colds. My doctor told me it was normal and actually a good thing as this is how they develop an immune system. They won't have a good immune system if you try and wrap her in cotton wool and shield her from every cold.
If you send that email you will cause deep trouble in the family.

Oh gosh OP, wait til your child goes to nursery/school - it's a never ending case of sickness.

@Mumto4MO

Yes I think it was totally thoughtles and she could have just sat down safely to hold the baby.

You need to manage her better next time eg " sure you get sat down and I'll hand baby to you".

People forget the sheer grind of looking after sick babies..

It's incredibly selfish because she can hold baby and enjoy baby and even kiss baby just not all over baby!!

People are absolutely determined to do exactly what they want!

We had a lonely great granny... really nice lady buy she wouldn't listen when we asked her to stop relentlessly chasing toddler DD around wanting a kiss.
It scared DD! She would cry about seeing her.

But she wouldn't listen and just laughed so we had. Crying stressed child all the time we saw her as well the before...no granny " and after stress of granny. Guess what!
We had to pull back from seeing granny!!