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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

229 replies

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:08

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

OP posts:
Talapia · 27/01/2023 23:26

Is your DD especially vulnerable ?

I can think of no other reason for your overreaction.

Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:26

Walterwhiteswifey · 27/01/2023 23:24

Man I now feel so sorry for this person that I've never met. That poor woman.

I’ve been nothing but respectful to her I always let her have time with my daughter I am genuinely worried for my baby and I now see from the comments that I should not bring it up to her. I was not mean to her at all.

OP posts:
TheDuck2018 · 27/01/2023 23:27

🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱

Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:28

RewildingAmbridge · 27/01/2023 23:20

Do you understand viral transmission? She kissed her cheek, she didn't spit in her mouth.
Also it doesn't sound like the grandmother is even ill.

I guess not? People were catching viruses just from being in the same room as each other. I didn’t claim to know everything on this post I am a worried mother.

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 27/01/2023 23:28

OP you need to take some deep breaths and try to calm down.

You sound as if you're very stressed out and over reacting because you've had to nurse your baby through the last week's illness.

Unless the older woman was ill herself your baby is no more likely to get ill from contact with her than she from you taking her to the shops.

You can't hide your baby away for the duration of winter and she needs to build up her immunity, which she will do but it will involve her having various times when she gets ill. It's part and parcel of having small children.

Don't start sending aggrieved texts to the poor woman. She's done nothing wrong, she just wanted to hold her great grandchild.

WingBingo · 27/01/2023 23:28

I don’t think you need to worry

if you are genuine

4thonthe4th · 27/01/2023 23:28

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:17

The issue is the kissing on cheek and touching hands when I don’t want baby to get sick again.

If she was that unwell a week ago you shouldn’t be taking her round a supermarket.

YABU.

Soontobe60 · 27/01/2023 23:28

Get a bloody grip!
It’s a fact that the more a baby is exposed to germs, the stronger its immune system becomes. All those babies born during lockdown who only saw their parents and siblings have less well developed immunity - my granddaughter being one.
Poor grandma!

Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:29

pigsDOfly · 27/01/2023 23:28

OP you need to take some deep breaths and try to calm down.

You sound as if you're very stressed out and over reacting because you've had to nurse your baby through the last week's illness.

Unless the older woman was ill herself your baby is no more likely to get ill from contact with her than she from you taking her to the shops.

You can't hide your baby away for the duration of winter and she needs to build up her immunity, which she will do but it will involve her having various times when she gets ill. It's part and parcel of having small children.

Don't start sending aggrieved texts to the poor woman. She's done nothing wrong, she just wanted to hold her great grandchild.

Ok thank you. I have anxiety. I am on meds. I was just going to tell her that in future I would appreciate if she didn’t ignore my wishes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:30

i just realised why the comments are so hostile because there are grandmothers in here 😅

OP posts:
4thonthe4th · 27/01/2023 23:30

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:30

i just realised why the comments are so hostile because there are grandmothers in here 😅

I don’t think anybody has been hostile. Just explaining YABU.

Im 32; definitely not a grandmother.

Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:31

4thonthe4th · 27/01/2023 23:30

I don’t think anybody has been hostile. Just explaining YABU.

Im 32; definitely not a grandmother.

Show quote history

I take the comments like get a grip get your head right etc to be hostile

OP posts:
DesperateHousewife2023 · 27/01/2023 23:32

I’m sorry to tell you but your baby is going to catch a LOT of illnesses in her first couple of years and you cannot stop them.
Will you stop her going to nursery? Soft play areas? Parks? Mixing with other children?
I do have sympathy because I remember being worried about my PFB getting ill but you honestly just have to go with it.
Your GrandMIL was just being a normal loving grandparent and it’s perfectly normal for people to play with your daughter by touching her hands etc.
I know you must be tired after having an awful week with her but it’s good immune building.

ChicCroissant · 27/01/2023 23:32

If you have anxiety OP, then you need to deal with that - but attempting to control the actions of others is never the way and won't work.

Talapia · 27/01/2023 23:34

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:30

i just realised why the comments are so hostile because there are grandmothers in here 😅

Funny that.
I doubt you're mature enough to have a child.

Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:35

Talapia · 27/01/2023 23:34

Funny that.
I doubt you're mature enough to have a child.

Show quote history

I am a fantastic mother. Don’t need validation on that.

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 27/01/2023 23:35

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🤣

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 27/01/2023 23:36

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:16

SnarkyBag you’re joking right? She kissed her on the cheek and I was up all week with her screaming in pain with sickness so I don’t want her to get sick again.

You need to get a grip. What's wrong with kissing her on the cheek?

4thonthe4th · 27/01/2023 23:36

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:31

I take the comments like get a grip get your head right etc to be hostile

Show quote history

Don’t. Mine wasn’t meant in that way and I’m assuming others weren’t. Nothing I’ve seen seemed hostile.

Youre clearly very anxious about her health but honestly, a supermarket will have many more germs and risk of catching something than a visit with her grandmother. She just seems like she wants to cuddle her granddaughter and there’s nothing wrong with her. Nor with kissing her cheek.

Hoppinggreen · 27/01/2023 23:38

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:30

i just realised why the comments are so hostile because there are grandmothers in here 😅

I’m not a Grandmother but I think you are being ridiculous

WetBandits · 27/01/2023 23:38

You’re getting a pretty hard time here OP and some of these comments are a bit mean to say to someone who is clearly suffering from anxiety.

However, I will kindly say that you’re being a little over cautious with regard to the cheek kissing; unless grandma was unwell herself then a cheek kiss isn’t going to harm her. The falls risk, if she’s as unsteady on her feet as you say she is, is a valid point though.

Walterwhiteswifey · 27/01/2023 23:39

Mumto4MO · 27/01/2023 23:30

i just realised why the comments are so hostile because there are grandmothers in here 😅

I'm not a grandma, I have a toddler. I don't have the best relationship with my MIL but I would never think she couldn't show my children love and affection. If you are worried about germs to this degree you will become so anxious and neurotic! Children get sick, ALOT. There's not much you can do about it I'm afraid.

dormouses · 27/01/2023 23:40

Wait til you catch your baby licking the supermarket trolley handle 😬

Irishfarmer · 27/01/2023 23:40

I am guessing from your name that your DD is 4 months. My son is 6 months. To be fair, I was told/ heard from several places not to let people kiss him. I told all family when he was born how extremely dangerous it would be to kiss him if they have a cold sore. None of them have had cold sores that I'm aware of.

But they do kiss him. I think it's a very natural thing to do. It's very sweet to watch my 76 yr old FIL coo and kiss DS. Also DS has started settling into the creche. The babies in there kiss each other and put EVERY toy into their mouths so try relax a small bit because she is going to exposed to everything.