WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

[Mumto4MO]

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

Very few babies get to have regular contact with their great grandparents. I adored mine, and they absolutely loved us - I feel blessed to have had that relationship.

Placing a boundary around her having to sit to hold baby, is sensible and best for safety.

Saying not to kiss or touch baby’s hands/face if Great Grandma is ill, is equally sensible and appropriate.

Have some wipes and wipe baby’s hands and face at end of visit, as you would do if out and about anyway.

Enjoy your baby and let others adore her too (safely of course). Parenting is a balancing act between paranoia and reality, and is learned on the job. Asking for perspective is a good thing, as experience is a great teacher.

What do you mean understand how new mums worry? I've been a new mum- it kind of goes with the territory of having children. My first is now 18, and whilst I adored him (still do) and was a bit wary of other drivers for the first month or so, I had no worries per se (apart from getting him to stop vomiting up all my breast-milk with reflux or how to get out the house in one piece) and certainly not about his grandma holding him. Seriously, it's irrational.

He's out clubbing tonight and I'm not climbing the walls worrying about him. I didn't see him for 3 days in the week as he was at uni/ sleeping at friends/ his girlfriend's but I wasn't pacing the floor in agony.

It's not all new mums that worry, it's the way you deal with it.

Hey @Mumto4MO

You are getting a hard time on here and that's unfair.

Your feelings are totally natural. I'd feel the same.

Issue is, you messaging the GMIL will cause uncomfortableness. So I suggest not acting on it and just venting.

My sister acted on a lot of feelings like this and her son misses out on so much because the family are scared to go near him.

Germs are crap but I bet you LO licks the floor don't they?

You need to pick your battles.

What are you on about?

Not being rude but I was brought up by a mother with extreme phobias and health anxiety and it wasn't fun. Perhaps go away and ask some sensible medical professionals - a health visitor for instance - about what is and isn't sensible with a baby. Maybe read up a bit from sensible sources on children and infection transmission.
I can promise you that your child will be ill a lot and that it is part of her growing a strong immune system. It's no reflection on your parenting. A loving kiss on the cheek is a good thing.

It is. Happy for you that you’ve never experienced it, because it truly is horrible.

In my case, it made me snappy, irrational and probably quite unpleasant to be around until I got it under control with medication.

You have it right on the nose- people call a worry about something 'anxiety'. It dilutes the real, anxiety disorders like yours. I'm glad to hear things are getting better, it must be very hard.

I get the anxiety. But perhaps to help put it in perspective: 1) Exposure to "general" germs is good for kids, it's how they build up immunity 2) That's why kids being occasionally (but not really seriously) poorly is a normal thing 3) They spend more time with you and you are a more intimate link to the outside world, so more likely germs come from you (this is a good thing!!!) and 4) Hugs and kisses that are well intentioned and make a child feel loved? Hard to see that as a bad thing.

OP I say this with nothing but kindness...

CHILL. THE FUCK. OUT.

Glad you got the help.you need. I'm glad all those who need help get it.

It does seem that in our society anything which feels difficult or uncomfortable or a bit worrying gets labelled as anxiety.

I thought everyone recognised that there was an anxiety pandemic!
Everyone is worried about everything all of the time. Have you not noticed?

Its hardly surprizing given that the world is on fire, we've just been through a major pandemic, the NHS is in crisis, housing is broken and energy prices are through the roof. People are worried about how they and their children are going to survive, that produces anxiety.

We are all very anxious.

Great grandma wasn't infectious. It was baby that had been ill, not her.

I don't think you should text her, that will likely cause an argument in the family. You are being ridiculous, she kissed her cheek.

If your baby was that sick maybe you were the one being unreasonable by taking her shopping and then to visit an elderly family member.

No, not everyone is anxious. I certainly wasn’t aware of any “anxiety pandemic”

I think there’s a lot of overthinking and dramatising of situations from things I see online but, thankfully, not in real life. I think I only know of 1 person with actual anxiety.

literal lol 😂

I smell teen spirit.

We're pretty much all mothers here. We've been that new mother. But most of us didn't freak out at a perfectly healthy person touching our four month old baby's hands.

And some of us have daughters who are new mothers. My newest DGD is two months old. My DD gladly passes her around us all, including baby's 94 year old great great aunt. She knows the value of a loving and affectionate family.

Please talk to your GP and health visitor about your maternal anxiety, before you take action (such as that text) that will unnecessarily hurt people and damage your family relationships. And ultimately damage your child.

Wow what a precious CRANK!

To be fair to OP, Covid has done a number on a lot of people. Germ phobia has become a thing. It's very sad.

Very over the top. Babies get unwell, often a person can be unwell without even showing any symptoms, are you going to be like this with everyone else who might want to hold/kiss baby on the cheek?

if grandma is a falls risk then ask her to sit down and hold baby in a comfy chair. Please dont send her a text there is absolutely no need

I was just about to say similar. But even if we were all anxious, we wpuldn't all have clinically diagnosed anxiety. There's a really, really big difference.

I have a DC with significant ASN. Our lives are very hard and incredibly stressful a lot of the time. I sometimes worry about the future when l let my thoughts go too far ahead. I don't have 'anxiety' because I sometimes worry. I'm not labelling a completely understandable emotion of stress and worry, it just is what it is.

Your baby will catch germs from everywhere. Wait until she starts nursery/school!

You sound very anxious and paranoid. Your DD's grannie wants to hold her. If you're worried about her being frail and dropping her then sit them both on the sofa and go and put the kettle on.

If you're not happy with this situation then ask your DH to have a word.

I think it’s understandable with all this stuff on the news about different illnesses that people who might be a little anxious anyway are feeling particularly vulnerable.
It’s your first child and you are naturally going to be protective but i promise one day you will look back and think you were being ridiculous (just like many of us mothers of slightly older children feel when we look back)

I know where you're coming from OP, but it could just be because of the hard time you've had with little one in the last week may have made you more anxious than normal. Mine's not very well at the moment, and I hate it, I feel so bad for her, so can understand why you'd be so on edge about illnesses.

However, GMIL was just doing what comes naturally to her, with no bad intentions, and from the sound of it, wasn't ill herself, I do think you're letting your anxiety get the better of you on this one. saying that, the not steady on her feet would be a worry to me more and you're right to be concerned, but you may need to work on your assertiveness at the time, rather than let it bother you so much after the fact, if I got text like that after what I thought was a lovely afternoon with a grandchild I'd be devastated.