WIBU - Grand MIL totally disrespected boundaries

[Mumto4MO]

I was visiting her today with the baby without my husband. This was an unplanned visit as I was with MIL food shopping and she wanted to pop in before we went home. LO just got over a viral infection.

GMIL comes up like “are you coming to me? Are you coming?” And I am visibly uncomfortable explaining how she was sick and she insists and insists that she’s not contagious so I oblige. Then she says “I will only kiss her on the side of the head” and I SEE her kiss her on the cheek. She then picks her up and goes walking around with her, this frail woman who falls and injures herself all the time. I said no she’s heavy and she whined “but I never get to hold her I want to hold her”. She sees her once a week. She was touching her hands the whole time which go straight into her mouth. I told her that I was the one sitting up with her all night all week while she screamed and cried in pain.

I feel disgusted at myself that I didn’t just put my foot down and say NO after she ignored me several times and now I feel like giving her a text or something to explain that I feel disrespected. I wrote one out but I don’t know if I should send it or just leave it and don’t visit her for a while. If my husband was there she never would have acted like this.

WIBU to send her a text detailing why I am upset and ask her not to do this again?

So you're a fantastic mother with extreme anxiety about mil holding your babys hand? Do you not think this will impact your DD later on?

Sadly not.

OP unless there is some back story or vulnerability about this child specifically, you need to chill.

Your child will get ill from time to time. Kisses from a loving grandparent are the least of your worries.

Being carried around by a frail person is another thing but is your assessment of her frailty reasonable? What does your dh think? Does he think it is unsafe also? If so then focus your energy there.

I think we should all try to remember when we all had our first child and just how protective and anxious first time Mums can feel. I certainly remember thinking I didn’t want anyone to hold my baby but by my fourth child I was so much more relaxed. Goodnight x

Every 2nd person on here seems to have 'anxiety'. Is there an anxiety pandemic? What is happening in our modern world? I genuinely worry for people.

OP listen to the majority- you're not thinking straight, this poor woman has done nothing wrong and you're being ridiculous about your 'wishes not being 'respected '. When I'm a grandma (a while away yet!) I'll, quite rightly, call out ridiculous behaviour like objecting to a baby being lovingly held. YABVVU.

You took a chunk of my post out of context. It’s about spreading germs not holding a hand. You can prove your point in other ways. Also where did I say extreme. It’s plastered everywhere nowadays don’t let people kiss your baby don’t let people touch your baby and all these sicknesses that are going around putting babies in hospital. I can’t help not to worry. I can’t say whether or not this will affect my child growing up.

You were very unreasonable, but I think you’ve probably realised that now, but one thing I don’t understand is if she’s such a fall hazard why you didn’t suggest she sat down with the baby. That’s the one thing that wouldn’t have been unreasonable to ask.

Exactly what I was just thinking.

And anyway, having anxiety is not a licence to act alike a dick.

Maybe? I can only speak for myself. I pray that you at least have compassion for your future daughter/daughter in law and understand how new mothers worry.

Just want to say that I WILL NOT be bringing this up again. I understand your comments while harsh. I am going to bed now. I have a lot to learn. Been a mother for only 4 months.

I thought I'd be flamed for that, so thanks.

There's just so much over thinking about every, little thing. It must be exhausting.

Unfortunately your child is going to be more affected by your anxiety and your irrational way of thinking than by being kissed on the cheek by the great grandmother. You need to relax and enjoy your child instead of being on high alert for every touch or kiss your child receives. And I’m not a grandmother btw either.

YABU OP. But I would hope that you’ve maybe realized that a bit by now considering the majority of replies think that too.

Come back in a year or so when your child is rolling around soft play licking the floor or picking up lolly sticky from the floor at the park and popping them in their mouth.

If she's really unsteady and falls, then I support you in say no to her walking around with your baby. You can insist she sits down with her explaining why kindly.

As far as sickness, it seemed your baby was the one more likely to make GMIL sick on this occasion. I wouldn't worry about her holding her. Babies get sick all over the place. Sick babies and being up at night with them is just parenthood.

Agree with this.

You do realize we're a species designed to play pass the baby? There's a reason for it.

Not sure how I acted like a dick.

I think it's a combination of people realising that they way they feel is hindering their lives and may need help coupled with other people confusing being worried or preoccupied with a worry as being the same as a medical condition. The public call all of this anxiety.

I personally have an anxiety and panic disorder. It makes traveling more than about ten minutes from my home difficult. Sometimes I can't even manage that. I've recieved years of therapy and tried medications. I am slowly making progress but it is very slow. It is debilitating and physically painful.

I think sending a retrospective text would be a bit too far, yes, but I think you’ve had some unkind responses here too. I can still vividly remember the horror that was my DC’s first stomach bug and it was a good 3 years ago, so I can understand why you’re feeling extra cautious in the aftermath. It is true that your child needs to build their immune system, they will get ill a lot more sickness and unless the GMIL was ill herself she’s no higher risk than anyone else, but I think that misses the point of what you’ve said - it sounds more like you felt like you’d said no and you got overridden, which is very frustrating and made my blood boil as a new mum too.

I think what you could do is work on a polite but firm “no” for future instances where you don’t feel comfortable handing your baby over, as I’m sure there will be more. How about, “oh not now actually great grandma, she’s just had a bug and isn’t herself today”, would that work? And then if they pressed, I’d go for a gentle, but firm, “I said not this time, no.” I know it’s hard to do, but it’s better than being annoyed at yourself for the rest of the day for not making what you felt was the right parenting choice, whatever anyone else on mumsnet thinks of it.

No. I didn’t know this.

Fa la la la la, la la la la

Don't send it. Just decide what you will do differently next time.

I think you're visiting too frequently as you'll become locked into it and you're clearly seething. As I would be.

I don't know why you've had such a hard time on this thread either. Nothing odd about wanting to keep infectious people from touching and kissing your child.

The text you wrote.

If you'd have sent it, that would've been a massive dick move and having anxiety wouldn't excuse it.

People can be dicks and happen to have anxiety. It's not a mutually exclusive thing.