WIBU to have asked for a favour?

[NothingOnTopButABucketAndAMop]

My car failed it’s MOT on Tuesday, I could not afford the repairs so it’s off the road basically.
I don’t go many places anyway but I did need shopping so I messaged a friend telling her my car was off the road and could she take us shopping sometime this weekend.
Initially she said she would then a few hours later (when her husband got home if that means anything!) she messaged back saying actually she had too much on. It would have taken her an hour and a half max.
Now I’m thinking WIBU to have even asked at all??!

I think given she’s half an hour away, plus 15 minutes to Tesco (so that’s at least 1.5 hours just for the driving) and then she’d have to wait for you to shop, checkout and then unpack from the car I am not at all surprised she doesn’t have time. I’m not being arsey but couldn’t you get public transport or an online shop? Or is there a smaller corner shop any nearer? You might not be able to do a big shop in person until the car is back on the road.

Not unreasonable to ask, but you are unreasonable to not have thought about alternatives like online shopping delivery e.g. if you'd looked on Tuesday, you'd probably have been able to get a cheap fixed time delivery slot from Tesco easily. Even today at my local Tesco, there are flexi saver delivery slots available for £1.50 tomorrow evening. If you aren't 'wedded' to Tesco, Iceland does free delivery on orders over £40.

I think mumsnet is odd sometimes. Or the town I live in is.

Around here, people do this for other school mum's even if we barely know them. If you need a lift somewhere, someone will do it. The town is still using the covid support Facebook page we set up and people will ask for help and strangers will give them a loft for shopping or to an appointment or whatever.

It's lift. it is a couple hours out of your life max. Who cares?

I hope you people never need a favour from your fellow man.

Now YABU. You don't want to pay a £5 delivery charge but expect for her to drive for 20 minutes each way to pick you up and then another 15 mins to get to the supermarket. You are spectacularly being a CF.

£5 delivery is cheaper than her petrol costs. What a cheek. Her husband probably justpoined out what a liberty taker you were being.

Truthfully, I would say your town is unusual.

So you wanted her to do 90 minutes' driving plus either waiting for you or trailing around the shops with you. I might ask a friend if I could have lift if they were going to that shop anyway, but I do think it's a bit cheeky to ask for this rather than just doing an online shop.

Honestly you're town is an anomaly. Would you genuinely give several hours of your weekend to take a stranger shopping for not even petrol money? You must realise that's unusual.

I think you are better off paying for a home delivery rather than asking her to pay for petrol and use her time if she lives 30mins from you.

I think a couple of hours out of someone else’s weekend is quite a lot, especially if they’ve both worked all week and if they have children it’s a real pain.

Remember that this is probably on top of her needing to do her own shopping and weekend chores. 2 hours may not seem a lot but it is quite a chunk out of your weekend for something that isn’t a social event and not on your to do list. It is ok to ask but definitely not unreasonable for her or her husband to say no. Don’t let her see that you are annoyed at all.

I have a pact with a local friend, that we both give each other lifts to garages for MOT or repairs. We both know the other will help and so that works because it's equal and so both sides are happy with this arrangement. If you did that then maybe it would be ok to ask.

Your timings are focused on the round-trip drive itself, once you are both sitting there with your seatbelts on and the engine running.
It's ALWAYS longer than people say it is and they never accept that and always think it's the very least you could do.

before you even add in the drive from her house to you. There's:
re arranging her plans for that day,
getting ready to go to you, locking up,
parking outside your house, waiting for you to get in
The drive to Supermarket Parking.
Waiting for you to shop queue up and pay She'd have to rely on you being very well prepared with a list, better still You could order a click and collect.
Loading up the car,
driving back to your house. helping to unload
before driving back to her house and getting on with her day.
perhaps having to squeeze in chores she would have been doing otherwise.

Compare that to you ordering online and having it delivered at the cheapest time slot. That's often the cost of petrol. I got pushed into doing a Christmas Eve shop for a friend in this way - even tho it was one year I wasn't hosting and I'd done all my shopping already. It took up hours of precious Xmas Eve time. She couldn't have cared less and I felt like a mug.

It’s not a couple of hours. It’s at least 3.

I find it odd that so many people in your town have time on a weekend at short notice. Or don’t mind their petrol being used. Are there people just on stand by?

And that so many people in your town would expect someone to take 3 hours out, at quite short notice not pay for the petrol and think it’s entirely reasonable request that someone has to be happy to do.

what town is this?

Not unreasonable to ask, so long as you accept the need to fit in with the driver's family timetable.

You seem slightly miffed at her response, can't think why.

Tesco normally have 'saver' lots so you pick a time say between 12-4pm they.then narrow it down based on what other deliveries they have in your area.

40min round trip is still a big ask esp when it's not going to be a one-off it's going to be weekly indefinitely.

You need to find an independent solution

That's 1.5hrs travelling, PLUS the time you spend in Tesco (an hour?). That's a big ask, considering taxis/online shopping exists.

YABU.

" a few hours later (when her husband got home if that means anything!) she messaged back saying actually she had too much on"

I'm guessing you're single. A couple who live together mesh their timetable arrangements around each other.

People who live alone often have no need to consider any wishes/plans but their own and develop a very self-centred outlook.

Sorry OP, you weren't being unreasonable in asking her but you were being unreasonable in taking it personally when she said she couldn't.

You're saying you couldn't afford the £5 for delivery, but were expecting her to use her petrol without any reimbursement to drive you to and from the shops, plus her time. It's not wrong/rude for someone who may not have had much spare time anyway, or may also be tight on cash, to simply not be able to do you that much of a favour.

It do agree that it was pretty poor of her originally saying yes but then coming back and saying no later, but I imagine she felt put on the spot when you asked so had to say yes, but when she figured out the logistics and costs etc, she realised it wouldn't work so would rather let you know so you could make alternative arrangements than bail on you last minute.

Were you planning to pay for petrol for the 90 minute journey in your friend's car?

This is really unfair when OP has already said she would struggle to pay the extra £5 for delivery. She may have done her friend similar favours in the past. Can we stop piling on a disabled woman who is struggling to find a way to get food that she can afford?

No. Asking someone to take three hours out of their day and to spend £10 on petrol to save you a £3 delivery charge is a ludicrous request.

Initially she said she would then a few hours later (when her husband got home if that means anything!) she messaged back saying actually she had too much on.
What does her changing her mind when her husband returned mean to you? Clearly something as you wouldn’t have mentioned it. Im guessing you hate her husband, and are blaming this on him.

If the delivery charge is an issue, as far as I know Iceland don't charge for delivery, and other supermarkets' fees can be much lower if you're prepared to have a late night delivery, or a half-day (rather than one hour) delivery slot.

No. Asking someone to take three hours out of their day and to spend £10 on petrol to save you a £3 delivery charge is a ludicrous request.

This

No, I don't think you were unreasonable to ask, that's what friends do for each other, help each other out when in a bind (assuming she was a good friend and not just a casual acquaintance)

I'd help out a friend in these circumstances and would like to think I have good friends who would help me out too.

It would be OK to ask a good mate for a lift to the hospital as a favour, because it can be difficult getting a taxi for a set time, plus often you need the emotional support.

To take you to the shops? That's literally what online shopping exists for. I'd never dream to ask that kind of favour. I just don't see why you need the help when there's a self-sufficient solution available?