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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need advice please - what the fuck do I do about this?

236 replies

forfuckssake23 · 26/01/2023 20:42

I received a message on FB messenger from a 16 year old boy who claims to be a friend of my DD (also 16). They live in opposite ends of the country and have never met but have been messaging and FaceTiming and according to DD became "friends" over FaceTime.

He has messaged me directly saying "do you know what bad things your daughter has been doing?"

I asked him what and he alleges that she had accused an ex boyfriend of "trying to rape her". This sounds not remotely like my daughter at all, so I spoke to her straight away and she was tearful saying "he's pissed off with me because I didn't message him all day, he's trying to get me in trouble". Apparently he has messaged her ex boyfriend to tell him that my DD has falsely accused him of trying to rape her. My DD looked me in the face and swore to me on her baby sister's life that she has done nothing of the sort and he is just trying to stir up trouble for her because she didn't message him today and they had an argument about this. I believe her.

This kid is however continuing to message me things like "so what are you going to do about it then?" etc.

How the fuck do I handle this? I mean obviously I could just block him but I am SO angry that he is invented this story about my daughter.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 07:24

I've spoken to DD again this morning before she left for school. She's saying she only chatted to him on Snapchat and now she's blocked him all messages have automatically been erased as apparently that's what happens when you block someone on Snapchat? I wouldn't know, I've never used it. So there's no evidence of the messages between them. All other contact was FaceTime calls.

She's OK though and says she doesn't plan to have any more contact with him and has realised how "weird" he was. I asked if he has done or said anything else that made her upset or uncomfortable. She says there were times he "took things out on her" when he was in a "bad mood" and that made her think he's a bit strange, but nothing else like this. I plan to get to the bottom of these time he "took things out on her" after school today (didn't have time this morning before she left).

I've woken up with a renewed anger and he isn't getting away with doing this to my baby, whoever he is.

OP posts:
12345mummy · 27/01/2023 07:26

You need to block him. Your daughter will feel 100% better knowing you’ve blocked him, otherwise she’s probably on eggshells wondering what he might come up with next. Don’t try and contact him or his parents in any way - that’s a job for Police Officers and you don’t want to get drawn into a “he says she says” scenario.

Beautiful3 · 27/01/2023 07:32

Honestly, I'd block him and ignore. He sounds unhinged. Tell your daughter to stop talking to boys she doesn't know online.

Gh12345 · 27/01/2023 07:37

The fact he’s messaged you saying this, indicates he’s looking for trouble and therefore I wouldn’t believe it. Tell her to block and everyone too

happystory · 27/01/2023 07:55

Just a word of caution. DD has something similar (albeit someone she knew). Once blocked on everything possible, he started messaging from other numbers, PAYG phone, even his mother's phone. It was very distressing. Eventually it took a sternly worded message from her older brother and the threat of the police to make him stop. But I can see it's more worrying if you aren't even sure he's who he says he is.

LexMitior · 27/01/2023 08:03

This is horrible but your daughter is 16. She should use this incident to wise up. In a few years she will be navigating this stuff herself. People are not what they seem. What would have been the next stage? Meeting up without you knowing, I suspect, and a lot of sexual pressure. This could have been extremely nasty. Your daughter needs to realise with some force that this behaviour, not just this boy, is abusive.

This "boy" sounds like an arrogant little shit who has done this more than once. He will be doing this to others. It is an abusive technique and your daughter the victim: next would have been pressure to meet.

Alondra · 27/01/2023 08:25

I haven't read the whole thread, just your opening post.

Your first mistake was answering a 16 y.o. boy living on opposite ends of the country from your daughter. He's a teen, full of hormones, who has never met your daughter. Why on earth did you get involved in his teen drama?

Talk to your daughter, tell her all this is silly and she that should block him. And you do the same.

Alondra · 27/01/2023 08:33

forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 07:24

I've spoken to DD again this morning before she left for school. She's saying she only chatted to him on Snapchat and now she's blocked him all messages have automatically been erased as apparently that's what happens when you block someone on Snapchat? I wouldn't know, I've never used it. So there's no evidence of the messages between them. All other contact was FaceTime calls.

She's OK though and says she doesn't plan to have any more contact with him and has realised how "weird" he was. I asked if he has done or said anything else that made her upset or uncomfortable. She says there were times he "took things out on her" when he was in a "bad mood" and that made her think he's a bit strange, but nothing else like this. I plan to get to the bottom of these time he "took things out on her" after school today (didn't have time this morning before she left).

I've woken up with a renewed anger and he isn't getting away with doing this to my baby, whoever he is.

Frankly, your daughter seems more mature than you are.

How do you plan "to get to the bottom of these time he "took things out on her" after school today " when they live on opposite ends of the country?

And why on earth are you enjoying this teen drama so much? Just block and move on. FFS

Trixiefirecracker · 27/01/2023 08:34

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t block him too? This is a massive learning curve and I’ll never understand why parents aren’t more involved in their children’s phone usage.

Parky04 · 27/01/2023 08:37

NuffSaidSam · 26/01/2023 20:50

Screenshot the messages and then block him. Get your DD to block him. Then have a really good talk to her about manipulative men and red flags to look out for.

He's obviously got some issues. Don't get involved with it!

Agree with this.

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:38

Trixiefirecracker · 27/01/2023 08:34

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t block him too? This is a massive learning curve and I’ll never understand why parents aren’t more involved in their children’s phone usage.

I was waiting to see what else he would say. He was sending message after message saying "well are you going to deal with her then?" etc. I didn't reply but I wanted to see if he would further incriminate himself so I have more evidence for the police. He's sent nothing more since last night so I will block now and contact the police to report.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:38

DD has totally blocked him though.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:41

I usually don't need to micromanage her phone usage, she's very open with me. She tells me lots of things I never would have told my parents at her age, that's for sure. I did know about this guy - she was FaceTiming him and saying he was her "friend". I warned her off back then and told her he's not a friend as she's never met him and knows nothing about him. I said he could be anyone. She said he's not I've seen him on FaceTime; he's my age and he's nice, etc. i told her to be careful and under no circumstances was she arranging to meet him. She said that's fine I don't have any plans to meet him etc, we're just chatting as "friends".

Fast forward a couple weeks and he's done this and turned on her. I think she's upset enough to have learned her lesson. I asked her last night if she understood now why I advised her to keep her distance and that he is not a friend. She said yes she understands this now.

OP posts:
Alondra · 27/01/2023 08:43

forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:38

I was waiting to see what else he would say. He was sending message after message saying "well are you going to deal with her then?" etc. I didn't reply but I wanted to see if he would further incriminate himself so I have more evidence for the police. He's sent nothing more since last night so I will block now and contact the police to report.

Show quote history

Why the hell are you waiting on a response from a 16 y.o. boy, who has never met your daughter and only had a few Snapchaps with her, just because he tells you "how are you going to deal with her"?

Can't you just see how crazy your position is?

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:45

@Alondra

I plan to ask my DD about it, obviously. What the fuck has the fact he lives in the opposite end of the country got to do with anything? I'll speak to her and ask her exactly what he did / said. Thought that much was obvious.

And sorry but - how fucking dare you accuse me of "enjoying" that fact that some prick has upset my daughter and spread malicious lies about her? You're out of order.

Far from "enjoying" it, I am engaging with it in order to attempt to get to the bottom of it, to make sure that little shit gets what he deserves (ie police involvement), and to protest my child!

Do you have teens yourself? Please do enlighten me as to your expert approach to such matters as you do seem to fucking know it all.

🙄

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Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:47

@Alondra

For fucks sake are you being deliberately obtuse?

I am not waiting on anything from him!

I answered a pps question as to why I didn't immediately block him! To see what else he said about my child as it could be more evidence for the police.

I'm not engaging with you further, you are immensely unhelpful and I don't need it right now. You haven't got a clue.

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AIBUYesYesSometimes · 27/01/2023 08:54

You don't know he is a 16 year old boy, for certain, do you?

He could be anyone unless you can see his entire profile with his friends and posting history.

And your DD has never met him I assume?

One of my DCs friends got into a social media chat with someone it turned out they were a paedo. The friend was very savvy and set a honeypot, the man was arrested and convicted, as the police were there.

Not saying for a minute this is the case here but just warning you that you can't always take anyone at face value.

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:55

No, I don't know anything about him and neither does he, that's the whole point. That's why I warned her away weeks ago.

What I do know is the little fucker is spreading malicious lies about my daughter of a serious nature and he's not going to get away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:55

*neither does she

OP posts:
Alondra · 27/01/2023 08:57

forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 08:45

@Alondra

I plan to ask my DD about it, obviously. What the fuck has the fact he lives in the opposite end of the country got to do with anything? I'll speak to her and ask her exactly what he did / said. Thought that much was obvious.

And sorry but - how fucking dare you accuse me of "enjoying" that fact that some prick has upset my daughter and spread malicious lies about her? You're out of order.

Far from "enjoying" it, I am engaging with it in order to attempt to get to the bottom of it, to make sure that little shit gets what he deserves (ie police involvement), and to protest my child!

Do you have teens yourself? Please do enlighten me as to your expert approach to such matters as you do seem to fucking know it all.

🙄

You've already spoken to your daughter...

She's saying she only chatted to him on Snapchat and now she's blocked him

She's OK though and says she doesn't plan to have any more contact with him and has realised how "weird" he was.

What else are you going to ask her? They've only had a few Snapchats, and they are 16 y.o. What's unbelievable is you're feeding teen drama when, if your daughter has blocked him, and you have blocked him, the whole sorry saga stops. No need for more drama.

Your daughter and the boy are 16. But you are supposed to be the mature adult.

AIBUYesYesSometimes · 27/01/2023 08:58

You have had good advice here. Block him, take screen shots, and , unless he knows where she lives I'd ignore it (or take it to the police although quite what law is broken is unclear.)

The lesson your DD needs to learn is not to get into chats with strangers online.
As I said, it's not hard to appear as someone very different.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/01/2023 08:59

My advice is tell him to stop messaging you. Screenshot it. If he contacts you again it constitutes harassment so you can then report to the police. Also make sure you do. Don't make threats and not see it through. Don't engage other than that.

dolor · 27/01/2023 08:59

Oh this is so awful. I'm so glad she's been open with you about this.

I suspect this is a grown man playing a sixteen year old in an attempt to groom her, which means you really do need to go to the police. He's probably extremely angry that she won't do what he wants anymore and he will try everything to upset her. Sad thing is that he will move onto someone else pretty quickly. That part isn't your responsibility though. That's for the police to handle.

Justalittlebitduckling · 27/01/2023 09:00

Keep the possibility open that your daughter may have lied, even if she swore blind that’s she’s being honest and you think she never lies. These safeguarding internet issues come up in school almost every day and parents are often horrified their child lied when the truth eventually comes out.

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 09:01

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/01/2023 08:59

My advice is tell him to stop messaging you. Screenshot it. If he contacts you again it constitutes harassment so you can then report to the police. Also make sure you do. Don't make threats and not see it through. Don't engage other than that.

I have. I told him to stop messaging me and DD and that if he continued to make false allegations about her I'd be going to the police.

He continued to message me after that point and I haven't replied to anything else from that point.

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