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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need advice please - what the fuck do I do about this?

236 replies

forfuckssake23 · 26/01/2023 20:42

I received a message on FB messenger from a 16 year old boy who claims to be a friend of my DD (also 16). They live in opposite ends of the country and have never met but have been messaging and FaceTiming and according to DD became "friends" over FaceTime.

He has messaged me directly saying "do you know what bad things your daughter has been doing?"

I asked him what and he alleges that she had accused an ex boyfriend of "trying to rape her". This sounds not remotely like my daughter at all, so I spoke to her straight away and she was tearful saying "he's pissed off with me because I didn't message him all day, he's trying to get me in trouble". Apparently he has messaged her ex boyfriend to tell him that my DD has falsely accused him of trying to rape her. My DD looked me in the face and swore to me on her baby sister's life that she has done nothing of the sort and he is just trying to stir up trouble for her because she didn't message him today and they had an argument about this. I believe her.

This kid is however continuing to message me things like "so what are you going to do about it then?" etc.

How the fuck do I handle this? I mean obviously I could just block him but I am SO angry that he is invented this story about my daughter.

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 27/01/2023 00:03

gravyriceandchips · 26/01/2023 20:52

Message him back ask for his parents details and say he's now involved in an ongoing enquiry. Police want his details.

He will shit a brick or provide

I love this. Scare the crap out of the little shit.

whynotwhatknot · 27/01/2023 00:10

he maybe older but cant be that much the dd has facetimed him so she must know roughly what age he is

he just sounds very immature and needy

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 00:12

whynotwhatknot · 27/01/2023 00:10

he maybe older but cant be that much the dd has facetimed him so she must know roughly what age he is

he just sounds very immature and needy

Just immature & needy?

WTF is this, some boys will be boys bullshit?

He is a bully on a targeted campaign of harassment, abuse & control.

LexMitior · 27/01/2023 00:17

Report this little shit immediately. You will be glad you did.

And next time, do it straight away. He will certainly try this with someone else.

lemmein · 27/01/2023 00:35

Oh ffs, I written a long reply but it disappeared 😩

Briefly, I've got 2 adult DDs OP so have dealt with variations of this over the years. What I wanted to add is, please make sure (which I'm sure you do) that your DD knows no matter what, whatever she does, whatever mistakes she makes along the way you're her mum and you love her and that will never change. Don't let evil little wankers like this use your relationship to threaten her; remove that power from him.

I'm guessing you've already done that because your DD obviously hasn't given in to his threats or he wouldn't have contacted you - but for others with DDs reading this...actually, for others with DC whatever the sex, it's very common for abusers to use their victims close relationships against them, cut that shit off immediately!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2023 00:49

Absolutely vile behaviour. I had similar happen to me pre mobile phone. I had recently started university and was visiting my home town. Apparently I was going around claiming this 19 yo had made me pregnant. That was the 19 yo I’d had to fight off me the evening before as he locked me in a car with him and was pulling down his and my jeans and underwear to try to rape me. After a fraught couple of minutes I managed to escape. He apparently was annoyed with me as he had a gf. Looking back, I think probably his mate made it up as a wind up. He was driving so no one else knew and did nothing to stop the assault. Total victim blaming and it really affected me.

In hindsight I wish I’d reported the bastards but we didn’t in those days. I hope he leaves your dd alone now and I totally agree to report him if he doesn’t. I understand why your dd is so upset and hope she won’t be left too scarred by this.

kateandme · 27/01/2023 02:11

call his bluff. message him saying thankyou so muhc for telling us. we shall be talking to the daughter seriously about this and there will be consequences for whatever lies she has told.maybe taking her phone off her!?
watch his ass fall out of his mouth.

KettrickenSmiled · 27/01/2023 02:14

kateandme · 27/01/2023 02:11

call his bluff. message him saying thankyou so muhc for telling us. we shall be talking to the daughter seriously about this and there will be consequences for whatever lies she has told.maybe taking her phone off her!?
watch his ass fall out of his mouth.

Don't play games. You will lose. Especially if the police act as referee, & blow the whistle at you.

MissTrip82 · 27/01/2023 03:14

Don’t play games. Screenshot and block. Daughter blocks also.

And no more silly hyperbole about swearing on a child’s life. Someone in this scenario needs to act like an adult and this nonsense isn’t it.

MavisMcMinty · 27/01/2023 03:24

Horrible, but a valuable teaching/learning experience for you both.

changeme4this · 27/01/2023 04:23

XelaM · 26/01/2023 23:16

Screenshot all of his messages and report him to the police

This 100%…. His next victim might not have such a supportive family and feel very much on their own…

oh and I received an abusive email via our business addy from the husband of a client. I’ve never met either of them, correspondence has been with her and professional. I filed it with the police (not uk) on line reporting option and they were out the next day to see him, a neighbour who was involved in another issue and then called us.

the local community cop certainly was interested.

AppleWax · 27/01/2023 04:34

Please report this to the police and get some support and advice. You cannot believe anything about this person including their location. They may have said they are hundreds of miles away, but could be living within a mile of you. You and your daughter cannot believe a single thing they have written or spoken about.

Good luck x

GingerScallop · 27/01/2023 05:47

XelaM · 26/01/2023 23:16

Screenshot all of his messages and report him to the police

OP you've had lots of good advice but I second the screenshot and reporting to police. That way if it escalates there is a paper trail already. This mist be scary for you and your DD. Sorry you are going through this

ThatshallotBaby · 27/01/2023 06:20

This kind of thing does happen. I’ve had similar. Screenshot, block him on both your phones, and involve the police. I hope you and dd are ok.Flowers

NapoliTutti · 27/01/2023 06:32

This is really chilling behaviour, I would report him to the police, this is stalker like behaviour and has red flags all over it. It wouldn't surprise me if blocking him on everything is not the end of this. Report him to the police so there is an evidence trail.

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 06:41

MissTrip82 · 27/01/2023 03:14

Don’t play games. Screenshot and block. Daughter blocks also.

And no more silly hyperbole about swearing on a child’s life. Someone in this scenario needs to act like an adult and this nonsense isn’t it.

That would be me - I am the one acting like an adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 06:41

Thanks all for the useful advice. I'm going to report this today. I've had no more messages from him as yet.

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 27/01/2023 06:43

gravyriceandchips · 26/01/2023 20:52

Message him back ask for his parents details and say he's now involved in an ongoing enquiry. Police want his details.

He will shit a brick or provide

That’s really bad advice, don’t bluster about police involvement if there is none. It’s all a bit billy big balls
Will he be scared? You presume so, maybe not.

Zone2NorthLondon · 27/01/2023 06:44

Cross post I see op will contact police.
Hope that goes well

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 27/01/2023 06:45

Hagpie · 26/01/2023 23:34

OP I am begging you please get your daughter away from this person.

A child close to me had an online “friend” who claimed was 15/16 and similarly made up horrible accusations about her dad saying he was raping her and all sorts. They said the girl had told them this but she denied it to me. This person messaged loads of people in her life. It was his way of exerting control because she made a move to stop talking to them. They wanted to accuse all the main people in her life of doing things to her so ss would take her away and she would be even more isolated. At one point they even had social services, her school, the police and a psychologist on the pedo’s side because the child became so brainwashed and told them things the pedo said to say. They were grooming her. Wouldn’t let her go, made her send pictures of herself, lick the inside of a toilet bowl, cut themselves for their own pleasureful viewing and told her what to do every waking second through her phone.

You need to talk to your daughter and really get to the bottom of this. If I could get on my knees and beg you I would. This person is a shell even so many years on and has deep emotional issues to this day. They will never be the same but your child could be. I’m sorry if this is incoherent I am typing in a panic.

This is horrific.

I will most certainly be having an in-depth conversation with her about this to find out what else he has said / done.

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/01/2023 06:46

Brefugee · 26/01/2023 20:44

contact his mum and dad and tell them he's harassing your DD and if it doesn't stop you will take it to the police?

This.

Els1e · 27/01/2023 06:47

That’s horrible and definitely on line bullying/intimidation. Glad you are reporting to the police. He could do the same with another girl. But she might not have the good relationship you and your daughter have. Consequence for her could be devastating.

Bakeacaketoday73 · 27/01/2023 06:55

Realise before you do anything that this person is NOT 16 and may not even be male....

Then "telling his parents" becomes redundant. ID'ing "him" and reporting 2him" for stalking may be a way forward.

Start by explaining in detail to your DD about how this all works possibly using older people as an example - I have an older relative who was taken in by an online boyfriend. She may take quite some time to come around to the idea she has been duped.

dogdaydown · 27/01/2023 07:07

NuffSaidSam · 26/01/2023 20:50

Screenshot the messages and then block him. Get your DD to block him. Then have a really good talk to her about manipulative men and red flags to look out for.

He's obviously got some issues. Don't get involved with it!

This totally

A great opportunity to open up that conversation.

PriamFarrl · 27/01/2023 07:09

Poor DD. Please be supportive of her and try not to judge too much. It must be so hard being a teen now.