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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I need advice please - what the fuck do I do about this?

236 replies

forfuckssake23 · 26/01/2023 20:42

I received a message on FB messenger from a 16 year old boy who claims to be a friend of my DD (also 16). They live in opposite ends of the country and have never met but have been messaging and FaceTiming and according to DD became "friends" over FaceTime.

He has messaged me directly saying "do you know what bad things your daughter has been doing?"

I asked him what and he alleges that she had accused an ex boyfriend of "trying to rape her". This sounds not remotely like my daughter at all, so I spoke to her straight away and she was tearful saying "he's pissed off with me because I didn't message him all day, he's trying to get me in trouble". Apparently he has messaged her ex boyfriend to tell him that my DD has falsely accused him of trying to rape her. My DD looked me in the face and swore to me on her baby sister's life that she has done nothing of the sort and he is just trying to stir up trouble for her because she didn't message him today and they had an argument about this. I believe her.

This kid is however continuing to message me things like "so what are you going to do about it then?" etc.

How the fuck do I handle this? I mean obviously I could just block him but I am SO angry that he is invented this story about my daughter.

OP posts:
AngryGoblin · 26/01/2023 21:38

Poor dd. Ask her to be honest with you and assure her you’ll support her no matter what. I bet there’s more to it. She may have sent photos, or more and he may have threatened her with telling you stuff if she didn’t do xyz. If she tells you there is no threat. Keep calm and don’t be cross with her, teenagers are often manipulated

AngryGoblin · 26/01/2023 21:41

Also, maybe something awful has happened with her ex and she hasn’t told you? I hope not but you don’t know for sure.

Tannedandfake · 26/01/2023 21:42

Have you even checked the messages on your daughters phone? And the FT info?

TheSnowyOwl · 26/01/2023 21:42

I don’t think it matters at all whether what he has said about your DD is true or not. He is now continuing to message you and it’s unwelcome. Tell him to stop contacting you and if he carries on that you will report him for harassment and find his parents so you can tell them the same thing.

Whippetlovely · 26/01/2023 21:46

Stressful!, My niece had a horrible x bf who she had sent body pics . When she dumpt him he sent these to her new school friends (she’d moved schools) and kept harassing her, turning up at her friends and threatening her friends because she tried to get away from him. Police came and told her he had form and to stay away from him but he was never charged with anything and not deterred by police . He continued to harass her on socials and her new friends but eventually he moved away and most likely found a new victim. It was a frightening time for her. Luckily if this is real then he doesn’t live near your daughter but make sure she doesn’t send pics to him. Report to police but they’re not likely to do anything so you will just need to protect her as best you can. Block him from her phone and all social media. she will probably need to change accounts too ,there are some horrible people out there and befriending strangers is never a good idea but in my niece case it can be someone you know who is a physco. Hope she is ok

GiveUsAMinute · 26/01/2023 21:47

The accusation that "X said her ex raped her" seems to be the thing that (locally to me at least) is used by teenagers to try to turn others against X. I've heard three cases of this in the last fortnight alone.

I have no idea why it's a thing but it seems to be the latest method for stirring up trouble for the girls.

I can't add to the advice offered here already by helpful MNers but just wanted you to know that what this FB person has said isn't necessarily the truth.

5128gap · 26/01/2023 21:47

I think it matters if there is even a remote possibility the OPs DD has disclosed rape.
This person's message does mean there is a remote possibility of that. There could be many valid reasons why DD would feel she needed to deny it to OP. I would want to see the messages.

DragonsFurry · 26/01/2023 21:47

On a side note, I have drummed into my DC that people they’ve never met before and don’t know in real life are not actually real friends - you can’t really know someone without meeting them.

Beingrealistic2022 · 26/01/2023 21:50

Sounds like a fake profile or a hacked Facebook account to me to get money. Easily done

Nimbostratus100 · 26/01/2023 21:54

10-1 he is not 16

Whippetlovely · 26/01/2023 21:54

And as an aside these controlling types hate to be ignored. So the best thing you can do is not respond to him and block. Do not bow down to the threats and bullshit they come out with. Much as you’d like to give them what for that’s giving them the attention they crave and only makes it continue.

ElfHasBeenSilly · 26/01/2023 21:57

Whippetlovely · 26/01/2023 21:54

And as an aside these controlling types hate to be ignored. So the best thing you can do is not respond to him and block. Do not bow down to the threats and bullshit they come out with. Much as you’d like to give them what for that’s giving them the attention they crave and only makes it continue.

I agree with this. Personally I’d block. Check DD’s messages though.

MrsMoastyToasty · 26/01/2023 22:01

16 year old boy? More likely that it's a perverted old troll.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 26/01/2023 22:19

I've had something similar happen, but I am a tenacious internet researcher so I tracked the kid down (and indeed it was a 16 year old). I immediately involved the police - they went to his house at 4am and got everyone out of bed. Gave him a warning. I was lucky in some ways in that he lived in a rural area (about 2 hours drive from us) and the local police were ok to get involved. I also notified his head teacher.

I was happy with the outcome, and it showed my DD I had her back. I think you call his bluff - tell him you will involve the police and sit back and see what happens. Its just hateful bullying, only difference is its online.

saraclara · 26/01/2023 22:21

I'm sorry, but your DD has to let you read her messages before you take any action. I know she 'swore on her baby sister's life' (and sorry, but I hate it when people use swearing on someone's life that way, it's grim, and to be honest, I swerve towards disbelieving people who say that).

If by any chance she's not being absolutely frank with you, and action you take will land you in hot water.
If she doesn't let you see the messages (and don't give her chance to delete any) then I'd be very cautious.

I'm sorry to introduce that note, but if you're going to contact the police or track down his parents, every single thing she says he/'s said has to be 100% accurate and provable

somoslagente · 26/01/2023 22:21

screenshot everything to start with and keep her off facebook for the time being - even if it means removing her devices (for her own good)

ask the police for advice.

AffIt · 26/01/2023 22:22

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 26/01/2023 22:19

I've had something similar happen, but I am a tenacious internet researcher so I tracked the kid down (and indeed it was a 16 year old). I immediately involved the police - they went to his house at 4am and got everyone out of bed. Gave him a warning. I was lucky in some ways in that he lived in a rural area (about 2 hours drive from us) and the local police were ok to get involved. I also notified his head teacher.

I was happy with the outcome, and it showed my DD I had her back. I think you call his bluff - tell him you will involve the police and sit back and see what happens. Its just hateful bullying, only difference is its online.

That's awesome!

Hopefully it gave the we prick enough of a scare (and a metaphorical kicking from his parents) that he won't try that again in a hurry.

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 22:31

Have you checked her messages op? This lad has issues and I would totally contact his parents, but I’d also be sure so i can support your daughter too

somoslagente · 26/01/2023 22:32

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 22:31

Have you checked her messages op? This lad has issues and I would totally contact his parents, but I’d also be sure so i can support your daughter too

i would hedge my bets on it not being an actual kid.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/01/2023 22:33

I wouldn't get into a discussion with a kid. I'd screenshot in case needed in the future, and block the little toad. If they were at school together I would let the school know in the hope that they'd pass the concern (which I'd frame as harassment) to the parents.

KettrickenSmiled · 26/01/2023 22:34

This kid is however continuing to message me things like "so what are you going to do about it then?" etc.

How do you know the arsehole behind the screen is a 16 year old kid?

As he is continuing his sick game, you need to involve the police.

EmmaDilemma5 · 26/01/2023 22:36

"If I, or anyone else, receives one more threatening or harrassing text off you, I'm going to report you to the Police."

I would advise your daughter to block him (perhaps take away her phone and internet access for a while if need be). He's developed an obsession which could get worse.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/01/2023 22:37
  1. I'd speak to your daughter and ask if you can see the messages between them. Or try to get out of her if he has anything over her that he can blackmail her with .
  1. Is he actually a 16 year old boy ?
Irishfarmer · 26/01/2023 22:44

You've had loads of great advice. I'd just add you must be a good mum that she was able to come to you with this

Original poster
forfuckssake23 · 26/01/2023 22:47

Lots of messages, haven't been able to read them all.

I have no idea if he's really a 16 year old boy. I've told him that he needs to stop messaging her and me and if he continues to spread malicious lies about my daughter I will be taking it further. He responded saying he's telling the truth and why would he lie. He says DD told him this via FaceTime call so no messages to prove it.

He's sent me further messages saying "do you know she also vapes"? I'm ignoring him now. I've asked him to stop messaging me and told him what I plan to do if he continues.

DD has blocked him.

OP posts: