I need advice please - what the fuck do I do about this?

[forfuckssake23]

I received a message on FB messenger from a 16 year old boy who claims to be a friend of my DD (also 16). They live in opposite ends of the country and have never met but have been messaging and FaceTiming and according to DD became "friends" over FaceTime.

He has messaged me directly saying "do you know what bad things your daughter has been doing?"

I asked him what and he alleges that she had accused an ex boyfriend of "trying to rape her". This sounds not remotely like my daughter at all, so I spoke to her straight away and she was tearful saying "he's pissed off with me because I didn't message him all day, he's trying to get me in trouble". Apparently he has messaged her ex boyfriend to tell him that my DD has falsely accused him of trying to rape her. My DD looked me in the face and swore to me on her baby sister's life that she has done nothing of the sort and he is just trying to stir up trouble for her because she didn't message him today and they had an argument about this. I believe her.

This kid is however continuing to message me things like "so what are you going to do about it then?" etc.

How the fuck do I handle this? I mean obviously I could just block him but I am SO angry that he is invented this story about my daughter.

The latest update is a clear flag to me she is shitting her pants because she HAS done something. Do not cancel. You need to parent her and this is a parenting moment.

I think she's done something too. It might be something as simple as 'remember that time we smoked at the end of the school grounds?' rather than something more major, but it's clear she is worried about her messaging history coming to light.

I mean, statistically speaking it is FAR more likely she was telling the truth about the exb and doesn't want that getting out.

you just need to spend five minutes looking at reported crimes, convicted crimes, and know that the police support societies general view that our standards for men our on the floor and it is always the females fault.

she sounds scared of what comes next. For anyone who isnt worshipping at the altar of penis, the most likely scenario is not the girl lying.

*are on the floor 🙄

Agreed.

The likelihood is that she's done nothing wrong, but fears "trouble" (or even just embarrassment) for expressing herself freely, & will be judged or held to account by cross adults.

None of us would like the police looking at out private comms, so OP, all you can do is keep offering reassurance that no matter what, you are on her team, will support her, & won't punish or disapprove, & will respect confidentiality as far as possible while complying with the police.

Maybe it's also wise to keep the fact of PP's advice about getting the SnapChat emailed to you to yourself for now. Back to my boring mantra - never mind her dignity & personal autonomy for this sole issue: until you have a satisfactory conclusion, she is a CHILD who doesn't yet know enough about the world to keep herself safe.

Also - thanks for your tag a page earlier, it was kind of you to run the tally of post-counts, as well as smart! (I don't have the tally function as don't use the app, so it wouldnt have occurred to me). Not that it matter how many posts anybody makes on a thread ffs, MN are hardly begging content contributors to limit the money-maker, are they? 😂

Honestly, even if she has done something stupid, it is important to learn that you don't pick up friends on the internet on the risks and you certainly don't start talking about your sexual past with strangers for these reasons.

If she is old enough to have boyfriend, have sex, and own her phone, then she must also know that discussing this with a virtual stranger is stupid. Very stupid of her, even if this boy is manipulative.

If that's right, then you definitely need to talk to her. She really does not sound like she is up to having sex with someone else. That comes with a responsibility to the other person involved. She should know that

I wouldn't cancel the police visit but assure your daughter she's done nothing wrong, this "boy" or whoever he is needs to be stopped.

I'd probably cancel tbh - only because, from personal experience the police do fuck all in these situations so you're risking the relationship with your DD for nothing. That's not minimising the seriousness of it, I truly wish things were different and these things were given the attention they deserve, at the very least in an attempt to nip toxic male behaviour in the bud before he, and people like him, become even bigger abusive nobbers we read about everyday on here. In likelihood though the police will do a statement and you'll never hear from them again.

Most likely she's engaged in sexting, or something similar with this boy - or has confided in him some way about something she'll be embarrassed about which would explain her reluctance to engage. Most of us wouldn't want others reading what we've said in a private conversation, her reaction is totally normal I think. It's a good time to speak to her about never writing anything she wouldn't be happy with everyone reading - though I suspect this experience will have taught her that anyway.

I'd block him and cancel the police - it's depressing AF I know. I promise you, after years of unsatisfactory police responses to very serious abusive male behaviour towards my then 16 year old DD it'll just anger you more and make it less likely that your DD will confide in you. Shit but true

Just to add as a glimmer of hope, my DD was targeted by boys/men like this at your DDs age. She could never see the abuse when she was in the middle of it - it's the most frustrating thing in the world trying to protect your child when they're almost complicit in their own abuse  Nothing I said/did made a difference - for a period of about 2 years every relationship she had was abusive, not just boy/girlfriend relationships, even friendships. I used to really worry about her, that she'd always be used by these sort of people - she had a bit of a saviour complex I think, always fell for the sorry stories and wanted to 'fix' them. I was terrified that would be her life.

She's in her mid20s now though and takes no shit from anyone. She's more than happy on her own and has very strong boundaries, she spots red flags a mile off - I'm really proud of her.

Your DD has been caught out trusting some wanker that didn't deserve it; it's a shit way to learn not everyone is what they seem but a valuable lesson no less.

Give her a massive hug OP, she must be feeling really shit about it all.

Sounds like however it's come about she may have fine something wrong.
It won't drag out.and if you explain what you have said you have she wouldn't be this adamant.

Have the police been yet?

Or did you cancel?

My guess is your DD is terrified as there is more to this than she is telling you.
Maybe nothing dreadful, but certainly things on her phone she doesn't want you to know.

Why else would she kick off like this? If she sees you genuinely trying to protect her, she'd be compliant. She's not.