Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

[SebHH]

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

Hmmm I don't think you are being unreasonable but I don't think I would mind as long as they aren't trashing the place and you know about it. I can understand why it would bother you though

So you expect them to holiday alone?

I voted you are being unreasonable because if it is an issue for you then set out the basis upon which you are prepared to let them borrow it.

I think you need to decide what you’re doing about it. Either…
a) allow them to continue bringing their friends and accept that you have chosen to do so and try to let go of the frustration
or
b) say no next time and feel better knowing that you have set a
Boundary about what your comfortable with.

I don’t think they are unreasonable because they have been asking and you have been saying yes. So they probably think you are totally fine with it.

If he has a big gang of friends they could hire somewhere between them?
He doesn't have to take op's cottage for nothing.

Is it any different to family taking their husbands, wives and kids?

I understand as then it's like strangers staying there. Do you also rent out to strangers? If not, then I'd probably say no if it was bothering me for that reason? I think you should figure out why it bothers you as he does ask and it sounds like they're taking care of the place

Husbands, wives and kids are all one household. Not a gang of individuals.

Is it because he’s your friend, but takes other friends to your holiday let - so it’s a bit like because it’s yours he doesn’t include you or maybe you feel excluded ??

This would irritate me but I know it’s irrational as it doesn’t really make any difference to you. I think you need to make a decision either to accept it or to say no. Once you have decided let it go.

I think there’s an enormous difference between inviting people you know to spend time in your house, and having it used by people you don’t know.

I think it just feels different if they take their friends (sometimes known to me and sometimes not) as if they are treating it as their home rather than borrowing ours- probably irrational… and take everyone’s points about being clear and them not acting unreasonably if I haven’t been
Helpful to get feedback- thanks!

I don’t feel excluded, more that he’s treating it as his own and that feels like it pushes a boundary… I feel probably irrational of me but irritates, maybe because it’s a friend who’s often a bit blurry about boundaries so touches a bit of a nerve

Maybe charge them a little extra when they take friends?

😂

I think YABU. Many people enjoy a holiday more with friends, and would always book a holiday home on that basis.

If you don't want strangers staying there that is totally reasonable, and you should say so, and he should of course respect that. But if you haven't said it I don't see how he could know?

I don’t quite get why if he goes alone he’s treating it as yours but if he goes with friends he’s treating it as his. Do you think he’s having too much fun there, so it annoys you.?

i sould check that your insurance covers this if you’re not there, too.

What's the financial arrangement, OP?

I get doing 'mates rates' for mates.

But mates rates for mates of mates just takes it to another level, doesn't it'.

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable, I would absolutely hate this and wouldn’t allow it. It may not sound logical at all but there you go.

It's your place. Do what you like. You do not have an obligation to let your friends have all his friend to stay.

It does feel a bit cheeky somehow for a reason I can’t quite pinpoint!

I think it’s helpful to remember that a boundary is something you set for yourself and it’s not really about anyone else so your house, your rules.

However, if this friend is single, then he doesn’t have a family to share the place with, so it makes sense for him to bring someone along, as long as he pays the nominal charge x2 as they will be using more heating, hot water etc. I think it’s easy when you are in a family to forget how difficult holidays are for single people sometimes.

YANBU - if they take others there is more wear and tear to your cottage and you may not want randoms on your home.
perhaps make this clear?

I think get how you feel , i understand it as it's your house and he's inviting people to your house where you should be doing the inviting not him , have I got that right ?
I have it with a friend who says within a group "let's go to almondflake's house next weekend for the evening " and I feel bad when I say no but it's my house not yours .
It is daft the way you feel but perfectly valid .
Like others say if you don't want strangers there then tell him or start renting the house out on a proper basis rather than doing favours .

YANBU. The wear and tear from a larger (and unfamiliar) group of people is likely to be higher. Therefore it probably feels like the small contribution that you'd normally ask for should instead be quite a bit closer to commercial market rate!