Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

[SebHH]

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

I would start charging rental. It does have to be the market rate for a holiday let but around half of that seems perfectly reasonable to me. That way you are making some money out of it so won’t feel taken advantage of.

YANBU. Seems to me that what's happening is that your friend is not just accepting the thing you're generously offering (use of the holiday cottage) but your very quality of generosity.

I'd be bothered by it too. Maybe there's something you could say or do to put some limits around it? e.g. leaving a prominent note for the group welcoming your friend and by extension his friends and leaving your contact details. If they don't get in touch to thank you directly, then you'll have to decide whether to let it go or not lend it to him again.

How is he disrespecting anything? He asks permission and you say yes…. So you’ve set the boundaries by saying yes…
if it bothers you that much say no

I think you need to sit down and change the rules here.
The cost of living is spiralling so I'd say that going forward, you're going to need to start charging people for renting the property.
He's taking the piss inviting other people to an essentially 'free' holiday but you're allowing it and agreeing to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

No. You need to set one rule for all and stick to it. People will accept that.

If you allow exceptions you're laying yourself open to years of whining pleas and excuses on behalf of any Tom Dick and Harry you never met.

to mrshutch3029
i do know who they are/know them peripherally through the friend who borrows cottage- so May for example bump into them at a drinks party of his… they’re all decent people to be fair
its less I think that I worry about them being there and more that my friend inviting his friends shifts the feel of it from him borrowing our home to him treating it as his home where he can invite his friends… it’s a subtle shift but it grates!

I totally get that. All I can really suggest is talking to your OH about how you’ve been feeling and ask if you can stick to “family only” in the future, or another way around it? I hope you manage to sort this out, nothing worse than feeling your space is being invaded.

Set up a group chat to all the friends that borrow the cottage and put a message up there that any future bookings will be a maximum of a week at a time and will also only be to family and close friends.
friends partners and children are obviously welcome however you do not wish for friends of friends to be invited along in the future, state that you think this is fair since you charge so little for the accommodation and say you feel that inviting friends along increases your costs (showers etc) and is now costing you money to accommodate people having what is essentially a free holiday!….
OR state that in future the cottage will be charged per stay and that if people want to invite others along you expect the ‘guests’ of your friends to pay essentially what a cottage would normally cost!!

I don’t think people always realise how cheeky they’re being…. But I would set the rule that the cottage is a ‘cheap’ let for friends and family only and that any ‘extras’ should be paying for their stay as they would on any other holiday!!!

Message your friend and say you’ve given it consideration and as there are now more people staying you are going to charge double to cover the costs of the extra running water etc.
This is my mind would be fair as it is still very likely an incredibly cheap week away! And you need to cover your bills and mortgage etc…

THIS is the exact reason why we never loaned out our motorhome to anyone and why the person asking about lending their motorhome to her SIL got told to say no from the start!

I wouldn’t tell anyone if I ever afforded myself a holiday home!

Not sure if anyone's mentioned liability insurance and whether you need it, or if it's actually OK for guests to stay in the property, as haven't read whole thread. Would this be an issue? You never know these days.

What's the actual problem with this?

We are very lucky to have a holiday home in Portugal. I used to go to a fitness class and got friendly with the instructor. It was her 50th birthday coming up and she asked if she could borrow our home. It felt a bit odd but as I went every week I said yes! Her mother then got Ill the week before she was going so she sent her son and his girlfriend instead as didn’t want to waste the week! We didn’t even get a thank you card let alone any money for cost of using it and the clean we had to pay for! Her mother was quite ill so I didn’t want to raise it and then it was forgotten I guess.
We now only give to family and perhaps very close friends. I just think people don’t think of the costs involved in added people and if you pay for
cleaners the added cost of changing all the beds etc. If it’s for family we just quietly cover these costs but for friends they now pay for
the cleaning costs.

@Luckypoppy
I don’t understand why you think the OPs friends would be alone if they didn’t bring other friends? She said friends rather than friend. So, it’s a couple at a minimum and possibly children too. That’s not going on holiday alone. I think 95% of our holidays have been just DH and I or our children, nobody else. I don’t regard that as having a holiday alone and it rarely occurs to me to think we should bring others.

@DelurkingLawyer
"He’s the beneficiary of your generosity but there is that sense he is swanning around like Lady Bountiful, when the person actually doing all these randoms a favour is you".
This is the crux of it to me. Even if they do contribute to some of the costs this is nowhere near what it actually costs to run the place for a week or however long they stay.

We never rent our place out but do occasionally lend it to people we know if it's convenient for us and I know they would value and appreciate it.

However there are some I'd never consider: I have a rather mean friend who I know would like to stay there but wouldn't consider perhaps leaving a bottle of wine or writing to say thanks. She's the type who goes out for a meal with us, deliberately has the most expensive things on the menu then says we should just split the bill down the middle.

I find it weird that you have a problem with this.
It's like you don't want your friend to be well thought of by their friends for doing something nice,because ,well it's not their holiday home so you want all the gratitude and acknowledgment. It's weird.

You are being a great friend in extending your holiday home to your friends, sharing the wealth so to speak, I'm not sure why them taking a few of their friends is a problem.
Obviously providing they haven't had any instances of disrespect or damage and they know they pay if their is, I don't really see a problem.

Even if it is an issue, it’s an issue with all the friends OP lets use it, not just the one who makes her uncomfortable by inviting along others. So it’s a useful thing to point out on a general thread about lending out a holiday home, but not of much use to to someone who’s trying to tease out the finer points of her feelings about one particular friend’s use.

Reframe this OP. Your friend feels so lucky to have friends with this beautiful holiday home, he wants to show off his connections and boast about you a little bit. I think it’s quite flattering that he wants to bring friends along and show off what a lovely cottage his other friends gave kindly allowed him to use.

Those of you who commented on it being different having strangers staying there than friends- what you’d feel if they were people you knew to say hi to because they’re friends of friends (but not friends of yours)… in other words not total strangers but not friends as such… and not people you would invite to stay … would you still feel the same way?

Yes, I'd feel exactly the same way
It's the "speading" nature of the favour which would grate on me too, and when offering something as generous as this I'd rather keep it to my nearest and dearest

My friend asked if she and her very new partner could use our holiday home. It wasn't a problem she was really nice about it, said thank you, left it clean etc so all fine.

Three months later I was introduced to her partner for the first time. Not once did he acknowledge that he'd had a free holiday in my place not even when he started discussing the holiday. For me that was what annoyed me not that he had been there. Maybe there's some other behaviour associated with the situation which is what annoys you?

I think this would irritate me too. If I was the visitor in question I might ask to bring extras once as a huge favour but otherwise I wild think it cheeky. That said you’ve let this happen now and a precedent has been set, so that’s on you. If you address it now then I’m guessing your friend might be offended. What are they like?

This. But it’s not a formal rental arrangement so I guess you could argue that it’s like a loan which should mean others aren’t loaded in. We don’t know friend’s situation are they in a family of any kind? The way you let others use it is kind but on the basis of your question you would be favouring your friends with family or single people wanting to holiday alone?

We do know. OP says upthread that friend comes with family and then invites others. So he wouldn’t be there alone if his add-ons weren’t allowed.

Your friend asks if it is ok. You tell him Yes its ok. So the cause of the problem is you not him! Personally as long as your cottage is respected I cant see a problem anyway other than you are saying Yes and then resenting what you have said Yes to!

@angela99999 we actually ask our family to take their own towels and bedding. Still a pain to take off ours though and remake the beds every time but it's worth it for our family to enjoy a little break away. X

@Anonymouseposter
I agree with you.