Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

[SebHH]

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

Totally get where you're coming from OP. We too have a holiday home which we allow certain people to use for just the basic cost of fuel etc., when we don't have our normal 'paying' guests. I would really feel taken advantage of if we let to a friend and then they took other friends too. I think it is as 'Andsoforth' says, there’s an enormous difference between inviting people you know to spend time in your house, and having it used by people you don’t know. Tell him you've become uncomfortable about him taking other people when he borrows your holiday home, so in future you would prefer it to just be him. If he doesn't like it, well tough, after all, you're already doing him a big favour, so don't feel obliged to do that same favour for others who you may not know, or don't know as well as you know him. Hope that makes sense?

Me too, and I'm not sure why either. Maybe it's because it's multiple friends? I think if he's single then one friend should be allowed, but yes either charge extra for extra people or just say no to many additional guests. He doesn't sound like a pisstaker but it does seem a bit off to be inviting lots of friends but I too don't know why I'm thinking that

YANBU

Tell friend you don't want people you don't know in the cottage.

Logic or not I know how you feel. We had a caravan and I really didn’t mind my friends benefitting from my generosity but I did mind when their friends did. Because in truth if they had said can I invite my friends and they will pay the going rate I would have said yes and then my friend would have gone for free. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It doesn’t even have to make sense, though in my case it was more bedding to wash and change so I had a no guest rule. But it was still amazing how many times a certain friend used to bump into people she knew while at my caravan and they just popped in.

I wouldn’t like this with any of my holiday homes. You lose control, somehow. When it’s your friend, you know who’s there, they’re accountable. When it’s a stranger, you don’t know how they’ll behave and any damage or disrespect will annihilate the friendship.

I have a holiday property.
Family & friends can have "mates' rates" & are told that they will do xyz when they vacate.
Sorts out the wheat from the chaff.

It simple...your house, your rules.. you have every right to tell your friend you are not comfortable with this arrangement and you should feel you have to justify why.

Sorry I mean "shouldn't"...

This, if that's a boundary don't keep trampling over it and tell him that going forward only people you know can visit. If he currently has a date you've already agreed too this rule would apply to new visits after that happens. Your boundary is not unreasonable, but whether it is or not doesn't really matter. It's your cottage, it's your boundary, state it and stick to it.

I'd feel really uncomfortable about this

I'd make up some new ground rules

I'd actually flat out lie and say I've rented it out to a family member who needs a place to live after a divorce / break up

Your holiday cottage is your second home, your haven

When you let family members or close friends stay there, it's because you are close to them, know them all well including their families and it won't feel like they're invading your space as you care for/ love and trust them.

When he invites friends he acting as if it's his second home and he decides who he can invite not you. All the downsides of your second home being commercially used and the risk, but none of the benefits of financial rent that it would gain. I doubt your insurance would cover it if they had an accident as you're accepting some money even. If a small amount.

I'd Start saying no or make the cottage unavailable when he asks.

We can understand why it's bothering you but I doubt he will as his mind doesn't see it the same way rest of us do.

He's misunderstanding as doesn't realise that it's your second home from home and is treating it like a social place for him and his mates to hang out for a free holiday, not your home. He wouldn't be allowed to invite extra ransoms to your home if you invited him over so why is he doing same to your second home from home?

Start saying no, if he asks, you're not comfortable with his inviting others to your second home. You prefer to stick to family only using it. (You don't need to tell him if your close friend & their family does too.., )

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s as if he’s the one with the holiday home and being all bountiful in inviting his friends to stay! Definitely blurring some kind of boundary. I think you ought to say that because of the cost of everything going up, heating, water, insurance, you name it, plus wear and tear, you’re not offering freebies anymore. You could maybe set a mates rates price and charge him that. Or just say we’re not lending it out any more at all and stick to it. You give some people an inch and they take a mile!

Don't do that to yourself, your boundaries matter, trying to convince yourself they're irrational and should be ignored means you're undermining yourself to keep others happy. State your boundary and stick to it. if he can't stick to it he can holiday somewhere else. If you stay in someone's home or holiday home it's their rules that apply. He's not owed a stay in your cottage, no one is.

Or just say that it's not available. You don't need to go into detail.

A friend would accept that and be glad of the times you had already lent it. A user would get cross and argue back with you ... bear that in mind

Also get a Ring doorbell cctv for your holiday cottage

It's lovely of you to share it but it's normal to bring friends on holiday. A holiday alone isn't very much fun and they do ask you.

Oh I was assuming it was one or two known friends. But if it's a general free for all then I would say no.

It's OPs second home though. Not a holiday cottage for commercial rent. If OP wanted to rent it to a group strangers she would. She doesn't.

I suspect he's a bit of a user

Remember the Mexican house thief thread?

I agree 100%

I get you op. It's cheeky as assume these friends of friends are not paying you anywhere near as much as a holiday let would normally cost them. He really shouldn't have asked you in the first place. It's very kind of you to let him stay there for mates rates anyway.

I think it's a tricky one to get out of now other than maybe saying you need to up the insurance for 'strangers stopping???' So he can stay there for mates rated but any others pay full price as a holiday let??? That would probably stop it

Dear All
cant work out how to reply to individual messages (new to mumsnet!) and would have liked to… have found lots of the replys really helpful
just to clarify a couple of things… when I smash he goes alone I mean with his partner/family so has company
also the friends he takes are people I know vaguely ie not total strangers but not my friends/not people I’d invite…
totally see points people making about respecting my own boundaries, not diminishing them as irrational… and importance of stating them and sticking to them
big thanks!

I'd be a bit miffed at this too - extending your largess ( not sure that's the right word but can't find another) to your family and close friends is one thing, but his mates ( as opposed to just a partner) getting a free holiday as well just seems to take the piss a bit. And I do realise that's irrational, but there you go.

I'd be tempted to put the price of end of tenancy clean/ energy bills etc up by a hefty margin for that particular friend and see if that makes any difference.

This.

He's treating it as a rental.

I wouldn't be interested in my home being treated as a free rental to Mr. Bountiful🤨.

Time to cut him off.

YANBU, I would hate this. Just stop letting him using it.