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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend invites friends when borrowing my holiday home

176 replies

SebHH · 26/01/2023 18:47

We're lucky (I know!) to have a holiday cottage… When we're not using it we're happy for family and friends to make use of it and ask for a small contribution really just to cover costs, bills etc… Generally that works fine but we have one friend who borrows it and then takes friends of his own (he always asks)… I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it, but find myself feeling rattled by it… when they invite their friends it feels like it shifts it from them borrowing our cottage to them treating it as their own and I feel a bit invaded or something… I know I could say no but that feels small minded when really makes no difference to me (I’m not there after all!) so I don't but then I'm left feeling like they're not respecting a boundary or something- would anyone else feel the same? AIBU??

OP posts:
Tiggernpoo · 27/01/2023 13:58

YANBU - they are taking the piss. You don’t rent it out to strangers for money so why would they think you are happy to give it to strangers for free? I would find an excuse next time they ask to borrow it.

BMrs · 27/01/2023 15:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable as can understand why you feel that way but as other have said, if you're uncomfortable you need to set boundaries.

We have a holiday cottage too and we allow family to stay but don't open it up to friends to avoid any issues like this. We use it most weekends anyhow, it's a pain when anyone staying as we have to strip the bed and make room for clothes and belongings when we leave most things there. For family, they don't mind just shoving my clothes along and putting there's in the wardrobe too but o wouldn't want that situation with friends.

I would perhaps just decide what you a tree comfortable with and the next time they ask have a frank discussion or avoid it altogether saying you've decided to stop letting it to others. If anyone asks me about the house I say 'we don't let it out' as family just give us a very nominal fee to cover has and electrics they use and that's it.

angela99999 · 27/01/2023 17:59

We're also lucky enough to have a holiday home for our family. My son goes there with his family and sometimes takes friends. Once he asked if his friend could stay on for a few days without him and the result was that the friend left the heating on constant at 25°. Costs a fortune as no-one was there for a few weeks, so now we say no.

angela99999 · 27/01/2023 18:04

@BMrs
We never let ours out either, it really isn't worth it. And the bedlinen and towels are a hassle if our family can't wash them before they leave because of bad weather. I sometimes spend ages washing linen when I go down there, not much of a holiday!

Village48 · 27/01/2023 18:16

Are the friends, friends staying for free or are your friends charging them. I would find it a bit uncomfortable.

Cottagewitch · 27/01/2023 18:16

I can see where you're coming from. We used to have a static caravan and my Mum used to use it sometimes, again just covering cost of electric and stuff. One time she'd been down and she phoned me a few days later and randomly started talking about deodorant for no apparent reason saying 'I much prefer men's deodorant as it's so much better than women's' then it was 'oh and razors too, I always use men's razors and shaving foam'. Sure enough when we next visited the caravan there was a collection of men's toiletries that had been forgotten in the bathroom. Clearly she'd had a guest. I knew she had a new partner but no one was ever allowed to meet him. It annoyed me a stranger had been in 'my space' without even being asked.

PontifiKaty · 27/01/2023 18:27

Voted YANBU because it’s your cottage! But I don’t think it’s rational really.. natural though, possibly a bit of jealousy?

Johnnysgirl · 27/01/2023 18:30

PontifiKaty · 27/01/2023 18:27

Voted YANBU because it’s your cottage! But I don’t think it’s rational really.. natural though, possibly a bit of jealousy?

Op owns the cottage, what's to be jealous of?

MarvellousMonsters · 27/01/2023 18:31

Andsoforth · 26/01/2023 18:59

I think there’s an enormous difference between inviting people you know to spend time in your house, and having it used by people you don’t know.

I think this is the issue. I'd only be happy if it was people I knew spending time there.

csigeek · 27/01/2023 18:37

I can see what you mean but I don’t think I’d mind if everything was well looked after and there had been no issues. I would feel very differently if I didn’t know they were doing it though.

Gingerodgers · 27/01/2023 18:37

I have a house at the beach and I allow friends to use it. Totally get what you’re feeling. I reckon it’s worth not taking a nominal fee to cover costs. It’s either so little that it makes no difference to you, or it’s high enough that your friend feels he is renting your house, and therefore feels entitled to use it as his own. I think the fee is what blurs the boundaries.( haven’t read full thread, sorry if this has been said)

Original poster
SebHH · 27/01/2023 18:41

thank You so much mumsnetters for all ur comments, I’ve found them super helpful…
I wondered- those of you who commented on it being different having strangers staying there than friends- what you’d feel if they were people you knew to say hi to because they’re friends of friends (but not friends of yours)… in other words not total strangers but not friends as such… and not people you would invite to stay… would you still feel the same way?

OP posts:
Remona · 27/01/2023 18:45

You are not BU and I’d be feeling pretty miffed about this too.

You said
I know I shouldn't really care, that if they've covered any costs it's up to them really how they use it,

No, it really isn’t up to them how they use it. It’s your cottage, it’s up to YOU how it’s used and who uses it.

I think they key here is who he’s inviting. You have every right to know up front who’s staying in your property. If he was asking to go with his partner and children for instance, that would be okay and I would assume you knew them. If, however, he simply asks to borrow it, doesn’t let on that he’s taking anyone else and then it transpires that he’s inviting several people who you may know vaguely or not at all, then that’s quite a different ball game altogether. If it’s the latter then yes, he’s treating it as his own personal holiday home.

This is YOUR property, remember, not his. You and you alone get to decide who stays there.

Hmm1234 · 27/01/2023 18:47

I think you’re bothered because they are not in your friendship group/ including you with the other group. Get over it

Remona · 27/01/2023 18:48

SebHH · 27/01/2023 18:41

thank You so much mumsnetters for all ur comments, I’ve found them super helpful…
I wondered- those of you who commented on it being different having strangers staying there than friends- what you’d feel if they were people you knew to say hi to because they’re friends of friends (but not friends of yours)… in other words not total strangers but not friends as such… and not people you would invite to stay… would you still feel the same way?

Yes, I’d still feel the same way.

It’s yours, not his. You are agreeing to HIM using the property, not the various people tagging along for a cheap holiday.

For what it’s worth, I think he’s taking the piss and I’d be putting a stop to it if it were me.

Gymnopedie · 27/01/2023 18:56

It feels like he's taking advantage of your goodwill and saying to his mates 'I know this great place where we can have a week's holiday for 20 quid all in'. And I can't quite articulate why that would bug me but it would. It's your holiday home, if you wanted to let it out to groups you would and charge the going rate. He and his friends are taking advantage, because there's more wear and tear even if they don't do anything that could be classed as damage.

At least he asks - that's your chance to say no, not this time. And if he gets annoyed or tries to get you to change your mind, he's straying into cf territory. (And proves your theory that he feels he has a right to be there, and him asking is only a formality, he doesn't mean he expects you to actually say no.)

TonTonMacoute · 27/01/2023 19:01

It annoys you, and I can understand why. It's a lovely thing to have but it does cost you to keep it and maintain it. Your friend is taking advantage

I would tell your friend (and other friends) that due to increasing energy costs you will have to charge more for the use of the cottage.

Sorted!

WilburTheIron · 27/01/2023 19:02

I think it's reasonable to feel that way even if it's hard to pinpoint the reason. Also - if I was borrowing a friend's property in this way I think I'd feel cheeky to ask to do this too - I would only do so if they proactively offered up front to 'feel free to invite your friends.' I think a lot of people, maybe men especially, wouldn't understand why because of the logic 'what difference does it make' part.

I think it feels like such a big and 'complete' favour in itself, that you would only do for a very good friend, that adding anything extra to that is uncomfortable. Taking it from you feeling like you're offering a nice thing on your own terms, to having more taken on top.

Original poster
SebHH · 27/01/2023 19:04

Would you feel differently if it were SIL (who Is single and who helps me out a lot looking after my dog!) who wanted to take friends when staying there with her mother (my MIL)
And would you have a time limit- when she asked for this she wanted the cottage for 2 weeks…

OP posts:
2bazookas · 27/01/2023 19:07

Send friend a message to say

" For reasons we don't want to air, open house at the cottage is over . From now on, it's only available to relatives and our own friends, nobody else."

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 27/01/2023 19:10

Hmm1234 · 27/01/2023 18:47

I think you’re bothered because they are not in your friendship group/ including you with the other group. Get over it

Oh don’t be so ridiculous. Not everyone is as petty-minded as you.

MrsMikeDrop · 27/01/2023 19:12

Hmm1234 · 27/01/2023 18:47

I think you’re bothered because they are not in your friendship group/ including you with the other group. Get over it

It could be this subconsciously OP, I was wondering this myself as I think it might bother me, but I don't know why. Or maybe it feels like the friend is taking advantage by bringing more than one friend

ihaveopinions · 27/01/2023 19:15

SIL & MIL are closer family and if she's helped you with the dog then it's a reward to let her use the cottage. How many of her friends would go too and do you know them at all? This is your DH's family so what does he think?
I'd say generally one week at a time, two weeks blocks it off too much. What if you fancy a spur of the moment visit to your bolt hole? As for your friend I think there is a bit of third party freeloading going on there! Set some boundaries.

Cactusmad · 27/01/2023 19:27

It’s such a shame a lovely place to rest and relax has been high jacked by grabby people. It must make u want to keep quiet about it. I bet the friend wouldn’t reciprocate the kindness. It’s full of your stuff and it’s fine not to want to share it. Let them hire a rental. Regarding the family situation a week is enough. Use the mumsnet answer, just say no when asked if it’s available.

Remona · 27/01/2023 19:30

I think SIL and MIL on their own is one thing but them inviting friends is also a bit cheeky really. I also think 2 weeks at a time is a bit much.

To be honest, OP, it sounds like your friends and family are taking liberties and are using the holiday cottage more than you. Everyone is using your generosity for an extremely cheap holiday. It sounds like you’ve been too generous with it and now people are just taking the piss.

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